2006,2007
Very depressing years
My personal walk to find myself started around 2006 and 2007, as I was getting into heated debates, discussions, and arguments with different people on IMDB. I had been a member of IMDB since 2005, always made regular comments there, and had many interesting discussions and arguments.
But 2007 was different; my discussions principally mainly involved "2001: A Space Odyssey", and it was also first time that I had ever heard of an anime called "Neon Genesis Evangelion."
One of the members named Eva Yojimbo, just constantly kept recommending to watch the anime "Neon Genesis Evangelion." I couldn't understand why he was so obsessed over it, or how he could compare a cartoon to great cinema like "2001: A Space Odyssey", "Blade Runner", "Seven Samurai", "Mulholland Drive", or "Vertigo." And not only did he rank them next to those films, he put it above them! I was shocked, and became curious with this obsessive love he had towards "Evangelion."
While I was through all these different discussions and debates in 2007, my life was in a constant state of depression. I kept feeling like I was going down a black hole, and couldn't find a way out. All four walls were crushing me and I didn't know what to do. My heart was filled with sorrow, and despair. I hated the fact that I couldn't get a girlfriend, and that I was a recluse. I would avoid the pain, by playing video games all day, or just expressing my anger towards my family and what few friends I had during that time. My depression didn't get any better, as my geek world seemed to be falling apart around me. Comic-books felt empty, shallow, and repetitive to me. I subjected myself to awful comic-book adaptations like "Ghost Rider", and "Spiderman 3." And even video games didn't seem to fill that emptiness within my heart.
So my geek life was in hades during that time. I had to endure the bloated and mindless "X-Men 3" one of the worst experiences of my life. I was disappointed in "Superman Returns" for having a boring story, and no action at all. It was basically a CGI version of Richard Donner's original movie, without a good story, more plot-holes, and a nonexistent interesting love story.
Then the very next year came the dreadful "Ghost Rider" flick, with Nicholas Cage. It made excellent money at the box office, but I felt as if I had completely wasted my time and money on one of the most empty experiences of my life. And then came "Spiderman 3", one of the biggest cinematic disappointments in recent memory.
It just felt like everything was crashing around me. My personal life was uninteresting, my geek life with comic-books wasn't that exciting, and superhero films were getting worse. In fact, the only great comic-book adaptations that I saw during that time, came out in 2005. And those films were "Batman Begins" and "Sin City."
Yet that year also had these dreadful flicks, "Elektra" and "Fantastic Four."
2005 wasn't a great year for comic book fans like me, yearning for just ONE great year at the cinemas for superhero films, and comic-book adaptations. No, 2005 was not the year, when my walk toward spiritualism really got started; it definitely began in late 2006, and the summer of 2007.
That summer was an intense time and anxious time in my life. I was 20 years old, and I had a crush on a girl named Addie, but we couldn't stop arguing. We almost began to fight each other at Barnes N Noble at Union Square, which is one of the biggest, and most beautiful Barnes N Nobles that I have ever seen.
Yes, we caused a scene that day in late June of 2007, and we haven't talked much since then. We reconciled for a bit, but she became very busy with her political campaign work and that took up most of her time.
She was so such a cute girl, with an incredible body and a spirited personality. She was always open about her sex life, political views, and many other things. I loved her so much, but I had to argue with her. I had to constantly debate her, and I had to win those debates. I wanted her to bow down, and acknowledge my intelligence and masculinity as a man. But that never happened.
I remember we got into a huge argument about George W. Bush. I claimed that he was a do nothing President. She became angry, and called my argument one of the most idiotic, and asinine things that she had ever heard spoken by anyone. Well, technically, she was right. George W. Bush was never a do nothing President. He fought a war in Afghanistan post 9/11/2001, he started an unnecessary war in Iraq, and cut taxes for the rich.
Yet I loved it when Addie got mad, because it turned me on. Seeing her get angry, her face turning red gave me immense satisfaction, and made me want her even more. Therefore, I didn't try to correct my statements and tell here that I did think Bush had performed and promoted legislation to assist people who were poor or in need of help."
That would of been the right thing to say, since it had merit. Emphasizing that Bush didn't do anything, was completely false on my part. He did do many things for all American citizens albeit more for the rich...his base...but he accomplished much in his administration, and that's an absolute fact!
Our argument happened late 2006. It must of been in December, because two of my best friends Anthony and Edie became a couple around November, and were just getting closer to each other , and couldn't stop making out in public. I envied Anthony for having her, because I had a crush on her too. I envied Anthony, for being better looking then me. But then I started envying his relationship with Edie, and the connection they had, the love and compassion. It was all there, and I really needed that in my life. This was basically three years before God would find that special person who would fill that void in my life, and bring me back to him. So in 2006, I was an emotional wreck. Two of the girls that I wanted the most were with somebody else. One of them probably felt like I was an annoying little brat(Addie), while the other just liked me as a friend(Edie). And I felt like my life just SUCKED!
Still, 2006 wasn't an entirely bad year. I got to see some great films like "Babel" and "Pan's Labyrinth." "Pan's Labyrinth" one an incredible experience, and one of the most violent fantasy films ever written. And basically most fantasy tales are pretty violent, even the ones that are dumbed down by Disney movies. Therefore, "Pan's Labyrinth" hit the mark when it got made.
Guillermo Del Toro did an excellent job and I gained genuine faith in him as a filmmaker. Because while his other film "Blade 2" was an awesome spectacle, it had no substance, and it was basically emotionless screen drivel so I didn't really care about the journey.
I rooted more for the villain in that movie, than I rooted for "Blade." And I was a huge "Blade" fanboy during that time. I loved the comics, and read alot of them, and the original film was one of the greatest marvel adaptations to this day. Probably even better then "Spiderman 2" in some cases.
"The Descent" was a fantastic horror flick, that actually scared the crap out of me. One of the great modern horror films, in an era where torture porn still seems popular among so-called horror fans. I'm sorry, but "Saw" and "Hostel" are not horror films. They're snuff flicks, dressed up as horror films.
My personal favorite films that year were "Inland Empire", "Brick", and "Half Nelson." I saw "Brick" like 5 or 6 times in the theater. I would go to the Anjelika Theater, and it was always an incredible experience. It's one of the most absorbing, original, and perfectly acted film-noirs ever made. And it showed Joseph Gordon Levitt's incredible strength as an actor, and fascinating charisma. I saw "Inland Empire" around the fall of 2007. It was a blind-buy, but that didn't matter, because I was already well educated on David Lynch during that time and knew that I was going to love. And as far as I'm concerned, it's still the best film of 2006, and you can't really find a film to compare it too. It's just a three hour dream sequence.
The best performance of 2006 was "Half Nelson" starring Ryan Gosling, who showed an astounding range of emotions in every scene.
Forrest Whittaker's performance in "The Last King Of Scotland", was phenominal but the Oscar should of gone to Ryan Gosling, for giving one of the most convincing performances of a drug addict that I have ever seen. I also felt that Clint Eastwood deserved the Oscar that year for best director instead of Martin Scorsese, but I was happy Scorsese won, because of all the great work that he's done in his career so far. I'm sure he still has a more great films left in him.
There were other good or films that year. "Letters From Iwo Jima", "Children of Men", "The Prestige", "The Departed", "Volver", "Little Miss Sunshine", "The Queen", "The Pursuit of Happiness", "Little Children", "Notes on a Scandal", "United 93", "The Last King of Scotland", and many others. There were powerful documentaries like "When the Levees Broke", and "Jesus Camp." So overall, 2006 was a really good year for cinema. Much better then 2005 in my opinion, but none of this is really important. I'm just giving you a window into my love for cinema. This is barely the tip of the Ice Burg. But my main focus is on how God put together so many crazy things in line, in order for me to get back to him. And not just my geek life, but in my personal life as well.
By the end of 2006, I didn't feel like I had a purpose, I was obsessed with movies, obsessed with girls, and obsessed with Bragelina! When I would I see my therapist, I wouldn't really talk about myself, because I never felt like there was anything of interest to talk about. I was thinking about girls, masturbating alot, watching porn, playing video games, watching movies, thinking about whatever Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were doing. And that was it. I didn't feel like talking about the fact that I was yelling and arguing with my mother most of the time. I didn't want to talk about my depression, sadness, or my anger towards God. I didn't want to talk about the fact that I wanted to be with Addie, Eddie, or whatever girl that went past me.
I was pissed that Addie wasn't my girlfriend. She was beautiful, articulate, quirky, had a great body, and was very opinionated. And we were so opinionated, that it basically ruined whatever friendship that we could of had. I also use to feel bullied by her as well. She use to pick on me for being a virgin, and just poked fun at me for any reason. But when I finally lost my tempter and told her to "eff off", our friendship just ended. We didn't fight, or have a huge yelling match. But that episode was enough for us to realize that we couldn't be around each other anymore. Our falling out happened around June of 2007. Which made me sad, because she was a good friend of mine
The last time I talked to her was during April or March of 2008. We bumped into each other and caught up with some of the things we were doing. I told her that I was making new friends on meetup.com, and she told me that she was busy with campaigning for the upcoming election. She wanted Hillary to win, and I wanted Obama to win. For all I know, we could have been married in another lifetime, with the amount of differences that we had, because let's face it, opposites attract, but she definitely wasn't attracted to me, since she still had a boyfriend.
We discussed who was the better candidate, Barack Obama or Hilary Clinton. She basically admired Hilary because she's an accomplished woman candidate. And Addie is the perfect feminist, open with her sexuality, her political views, and her opinions. That she was a Hilary supporter did not surprise me. She knew who I was voting for, she knew my stance on racism in politics, and she knew that I felt that America was one of the most racist state in the world. I told her that I was voting for Obama, and that my entire reason for voting for him was because he is an African-American.
I didn't care about his political views, even though I agreed with a lot of them, I didn't care about his life story, his nice family, or the fact that he grew up as a mix of different races and cultures in his blood, just like me. I'm part West Indian, Danish, Native American, and Jewish. So while I loved his political views, and could relate to how he grew up, I didn't care about that:. I wanted to see a Black man as President. I wanted to grow up in a world where I could say, "My President is black and be proud of it!"
I told her that I couldn't vote for Hilary, because I just couldn't vote for another Presidential candidate who wasn't cognizant of simple state politics. Hilary has been in politics as long as her husband, Bill Clinton, yet she didn't know that Texas had both a State primary, and a State Caucas? How could she not know that? Obama had only been actively working national politics since 2002, which means 2008 was his sixth year in politics, but he knew enough about Texas politics, to beat Hilary Clinton. If I'm gonna vote for a candidate, they have to be an articulate an educated leader. Obama possessed all of the requisite traits that I considered necessary for President, Hilary did not.
Addie didn't know that Hilary could be that incompetent, nor did she know that Hilary had admitted her incompetence by mentioning that she didn't know Texas had both a primary and a State Caucus. Addie and I didn't have time to argue about that situation, because she was busy with with her campaign field work , but I felt like I'd finally won a discussion with her. I said to myself, "I won!"
I had great times with my old friends, some whom remain my friends still. We spent many joyful moments together, especially going to the movies. I would usually buy the tickets for all of us, gratis. Our superficial friendships began to develop in a deep personal and emotional level, because of the different issues and personal problems we had in common. So after many weeks of getting to know one another, we began to hang out more, watch movies, and have more fun. I went to a house party once, which was held by my old friend Addie at her home for all of us.. We'd usually butt-heads a lot, and we never got along, but I learned from her, and I'm eternally grateful that she was my friend. And that goes for my other close friends, Antony, Janet, and Theo, who gave me great advice, and cared about my well being.
But by April of 2007, I wasn't really thinking about Addie anymore. Granted, I was distracted with the awfulness of "Ghost Rider", the new homo erotic action flick called "300", and trying to actually hang out with Anthony and Edie without feeling like choking myself since I had a huge crush on Edie.
Soon my attention turned towards another girl, a Puerto Rican spit fire! By the early summer of 2007, I was falling in love with a gorgeous Puerto Rican girl named Cassie, who had no interest in me at all. But I loved her. I loved her alot! Actually, it wasn't love, it was lust! I lusted after her, and I think she knew it. Women know when men are looking at them and lusting after them, they have a sixth sense about that sort of thing.
At that time, she might have been the most beautiful person who had ever spoken to me,. She had incredible multicolored eyes, and amazing curves. She had one of the best bodies I had ever seen. She said that she exercised a lot, and took kick-boxing classes. I was like, "Kick me, kick me!" I just couldn't stop looking at her. She was my dream girl, she was a Latina, and she was hot! I obsessed over her, I wanted her, I couldn't stop thinking about her, and I was in lust with her all the time; one of the seven deadly sins.
She had this dangerous beauty about her that only the best poet would dare write about. She was beautiful with a dangerous edge with excited me all the more. She looked as if she would give you a sweet hug and kiss, and then tear you to pieces the next moment. I loved that! I wanted her to punch me, hurt me, or bite me. And she did bit my finger once, because I was annoying her, and it was painful, but I really liked it. It was a fond memory to remember her by. But sadly, she just wasn't that into me.
We flirted at times, but that's all it was. In the end, I wasn't her type, and my heart was broken. My crush on her started around April of 07, and it didn't stop until early 2008. But she broke my heart in October of 2007, and I was deeply depressed. I've basically obsessed over women most of my life. I wanted a girlfriend, I wanted to move in with a woman, I wanted to get married, and maybe have kids. Personally, I wanted women to worship me, and follow every word that I spoke, and every move that I made. I wanted to be Robert Pattison, Brad Pitt, and Johnny Depp all mixed into one. But it wasn't happening, and I was stuck with my pathetic little life.
To make things worse, I had an argument an ex-girlfriend of mine, Nikki. We dated in San Antonio she was and really cute. She had nice eyes, and was very curvy. She was bi-racial Black and Mexican.
She had many personal problems. In 2002 she wanted to commit suicide, but with the help of others, I managed to keep her from killing herself. We began to date in 2003, but we had many breakups.
We did have one great date when we went to see a terrible movie, "You Got Served." It absolutely sucked. Because it was so awful, it became the perfect time for us to make out. I loved kissing her; she had so much passion and pain behind her kisses. I could almost feel the yearning, and anguish within her soul every time we kissed, and that made my buying the two tickets worthwhile. If anyone else suffered through that flick, I want to apologize for reminding you of it's existence.
Anyway, since my mother and I were moving to New York City, we broke up, . I wasn't going suffer long distance relationship drama, wondering what your girl is doing, while in another state, trying to meet and date other girls in New York. I wasn't going play her like that, or lie to her. So after awhile, we separated but remained friends.
Later in the year, during the summer of 2007, she called me and wanted to visit me. She asked me if I had any girlfriends or if was interested in somebody. I didn't tell her the number of women that I was interested in, but I did tell her that though I had crushes on a few girls, I could put them aside for her. I was lonely, and willing to have my ex-girlfriend come up to New York for a while so that I might finally lose my virginity, and have sex. Then we would go our separate ways, and I'd try to meet other women, with a bit more confidence, knowing that I was finally a man, and that I had finally slept with a woman. Well that didn't happen.
After Cassie broke my heart, then Niki told me that she had found a new guy, and that they were getting close, because he became close to her mother. He went from being a friend and a shoulder for her to cry on, to boyfriend. I was angry, and told her so on Myspace.I did some name calling, and said some things that I shouldn't have.
I think her older brother threatened to kill me, as did her boyfriend. They were Latin Kings, and could of actually killed me, but I didn't care. I was too depressed to live, so I just kept cursing all three of them out until I finally got bored, removed her from my friends list on Myspace, and stopped talking to her for good. She was also a good friend of mine, and I wish things could ofended differently
Yet 2007 wasn't all that bad a year. Eva Yojimbo couldn't talking about and recommending "Neon Genesis Evangelion" to me. I was so lonely, that I almost had Jehovah Witnesses coming over to study the Bible with me, which my mother absolutely refused , and kept them away from our house. I think she told security to keep them from our apartment. I didn't have any ill feelings towards them. They were just trying to reach out, and the conversation helped me out a lot during that time.
"Transformers" debuted during the Summer of 2007, and while it wasn't a good film, it was certainly better then "Spiderman 3", and "Pirates of the Caribbean 3." The Coen Brothers came out with "No Country For Old Men" one of the few films that I'd call an absolute masterpiece: It's a near perfect film. That movie couldn't of come out at a more perfect time, because my heart was crushed by Cassie, I'd had a traumatic separation from my ex-girlfriend, and my good friend Addie. And to make matters worse I still hated the fact that Anthony and Edie were still dating each other, and my other friend Jay now had a girlfriend too. And she was like one of my closest buddies, and we use to share our loneliness with each other, and deal with the fact that we were single, and didn't have anybody. And then when she began to see a girl, I basically just gave up on my life, and figured that I would never be with anybody.
I wasn't going to kill myself, but it was starting to get to that point again. I felt like dying when my grandmother passed away in November of 2004, the day before Thanksgiving day. And I chose to be hospitalized in March of 2005, because I knew that I needed help.
Therefore, in 2007 I was in a state of deep depression and "No Country For Old Men" was perfect for my mood. It was about despair, isolation, and a world with no God. It was nihilistic, violent, depressing, angry, frightening, terrifying: my life meant absolutely nothing. It showed me that my feelings were accurate; that I was right; that life means nothing, and that we're just living in a chaotic world, without meaning.
Sure, there are coincidences, fate, but in the end, life's just an illusion. We're born, we live, we die, and that's it. There's no purpose, no reason, and no life after death.
There's just this terrible life that I got for a short period of time, and then I will just wither away to nothingness. Nobody would remember me, nobody would miss me, nobody would even talk about me. "No Country For Old Men"demonstrated my world to me; a world with no hope, no God, and no salvation for anybody.
At that particular time in my life, spirituality was not real; it was a figment of my imagination, that life meant survival of the fittest survival and that a spiritual life had no place in the scheme of things.. Nobody cared, and I certainly didn't care about myself except to survive. During those times when I had to make myself survive, It was all about me, me and me. And nothing more. The Coen Brothers did a masterful job with "No Country For Old Men", it spoke to me, during a time when I was in great despair.
Then another great nihilistic film debuted, "There Will Be Blood." It's an extraordinary film, with great performances, great aesthetics, brilliant direction, and probably the most unique musical score of the last 10 years. The ending demonstrates shows what the title's meaning. That with the discovery of oil, there will be blood. That when our greedy nature gets the best of us, there will be blood.
Personally, at times, I thought the film was an attack on God. Daniel Plainview was one of the few characters in this movie to challenge God, and survive, but with a major cost to his sanity, and the relationship he had with his son. Yet as I watched the film, I just exalted in his anger towards God and a hypocrite preacher, Eli Sunday.
I hated Eli Sunday. He reminded me of those disgusting priests who were exposed as having abused children, which the Catholic Church then covered up by allowing them to get away with it again at another Parish. Eli was disgusting creature who revealed just how morally corrupt religion can become. .If you hate religion and was as angry at God was much as I was, you might enjoy "There Will Be Blood." It definitely spoke to me.
I was angry with God for not giving me the best father in the world, who gave me a father attacked my faith when I was a l child , and who physically,emotionally and spiritually abused me.
I was angry at God, for not saving those 3,000 lives that were taken during those terrorist attacks on September 11th of 2001. I was angry at God for not saving those poor people who died in New Orleans in August of 2005. I was angry at him, for not giving me a girlfriend, and for not giving me the perfect life that my mother was hoping for in New York City.
My mother and I moved from San Antonio Texas to New York City, because she was scared for her life. My father hit her right arm, she locked herself in the bathroom, called the cops to get him thrown out, and we moved. She also called me and told my to stay at my friend MIchael's house and talked to his mother and told her the circumstances. After the police told him to move, we packed his belongings, and left them outside for him to pick up later.
I had a good friend, Rudy, who's mother helped us during that time. She drove my mother to pick me up from my friend's Michael's
house. My mother was in shock at what my father had done and couldn't drive. My friends wouldn't let me leave their house alone. I wanted to go and fight my father for hitting my mother, but they wouldn't allow me to leave. Michael and his sister kept me from going home to fight my father, get arrested, and go to prison. For a while I didn't know if my mother was alive..
But when I look back at that moment, I realize God wanted to protect me. He used Michael and his sister Chantel to shelter me, and keep out of harms way, because if I had found a way to leave their house, get to my house and confront my father, the situation would have been immensely worse.
That situation gave my mother PTSD, or Post-Tramatic-Stress-Disorder. She began having nightmares about him, she couldn't sleep at night, and once she even screamed for her life and attacked me, when I tried to wake her up to have breakfast.
My father had frightened her, and we had to move to New York City, because she was scared for her life. And she had wanted to be with her family ever since the terrorist attacks happened on September 11th, 2001. While a lot of the people didn't want to be in New York City during that time, my mother needed to come back to New York, to be with her family. I don't know if she felt like her presence would keep the terrorists from doing anything else, or if that anything were to happen, she would be there to either die with our family, or help our family in need. I don't really know, she just had to come to New York City and live there. So we did, and it was not all what she hyped it up to be. It was a long struggle. I was very reclusive, and afraid to go outside sometimes. But I manage to get through it, and become a real New Yorker.
But even with some of that joy, I still couldn't ignore the pain that I was going through. I had some crushes on the girls who were going to the group therapy sessions. And they either had a boyfriend, another boyfriend, or just weren't interested in me at all. I had thoughts of suicide, but realized that wouldn't of been fair to my mother, who would've mourned me, and probably killed herself.. So I continued with my pain, and attempted to be content with it. Sometimes I think I probably enjoyed being depressed, looking at life from my bleak empty existence. Which is why I appreciated the joyful moments, because I knew they wouldn't last.
But during all of these things that were happening during my personal life, Eva Yojimbo kept recommending "Neon Genesis Evangelion." to me. He basically couldn't stop talking about it. I guess God realized that I needed something to bring me out my despair. I had debates with different people online about "2001: A Space Odyssey", even about how many chapters were in the film. I tried to pay attention to the facts that were given to us within the film, and that there were three chapters, not four.
But my friends would argue that there were four, once Bowen starts going through his Stargate sequence, but would still say three chapters and nothing more nothing less.
Because of Yojimbo, when did shop at Best Buy, I always come across theDVD and its cover image "Neon Genesis Evangelion." While I never felt the need to buy it and watch it, the cover was gorgeous. You see, it was the Platinum Edition with a cover of silver paint and a great picture of Rei Ayanami. I was becoming intrigued.
I couldn't get the cover out of my read, nor theDVD reviews on the back of it. On the back cover, there was a review by www.aintitcoolnews.com, that mentioned it considered "Evangelion" to be anime's perfect storm. A phenomenon on par with "The Matrix", "Harry Potter", and "Star Wars." It said that that plenty of works might try to reproduce the story , but that ultimately it would stand alone.
That review really pegged my interest, because I love aintitcoolnews. They're geeks are just like me, and proud of it. They love films, anime, graphic novels, books, and comic-books. Finally after all of Yojimbo's recommendations, I decided to blind-buy "Evangelion. " That was a scary thing to do: I don't have alot of money, so paying 60 bucks for a 26 episode anime title that I didn't really know anything about, was risky and I hadn't seriously watched an anime in a couple years. I had gotten bored with anime. Naruto was uninteresting, I was tired of "Dragon Ball Z", "Death Note" seemed very dull, and "Bleach" just never caught my interest. All the newer animes didn't interest me.
Acutally looking at the cover and plot synopsis of "Evangelion", one would think it was just another story about kids who pilot mechas, but I was pleasantly surprised.
"Evangelion" turned out to be the greatest blind-buy I would ever purchase, a anime with a story that I would never forget or regret.
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