2008
Anime and friends
After I was done with "Neon Genesis Evangelion" and "End Of Evangelion", I saw the world differently. As I looked at the bright sun, the world around me started to evolve and uncover itself. I became to see the brighter side to things, and see a new alternative to my life. That my life can be functional, positive, and meaningful. The summer of 2008 was an excellent summer for all comic-book geeks. "Iron Man" turned out to be a fun and accessible film for both geeks and people who don't even read comic-books. Robert Downey jr. made one of the greatest comebacks I have ever seen. "The Incredible Hulk" was a solid action flick, that gave me all the hulk smash that I could imagine seeing on the big screen. It was just a dumb action flick, with a good performance by Edward Norton. And then there was "The Dark Knight."
"The Dark Knight" was one of the best, and most powerful experiences I have ever had in a movie theater. I saw it 5 other friends of mine, and it was an excellent commentary on terrorism. It basically showed what America would look like if a terrorist like the Joker truly existed. Heath Ledger died that year, and my mother and I mourned his passing. We didn't know him too well, but I grew up watching him grow as an actor. So to see somebody around my generation die, right as their career was blooming, was very depressing to me. And my mother liked him as a sweet kid, since he was young enough to be her grand child. But his performance in "The Dark Knight" healed those wounds, since it was one of the most terrifying and iconic performances in cinematic history.
I started to enjoy New York City a bit more in 2008, and wanted to make new friends.
I learned a lot about "Evangelion", and it's creator Hideaki Anno. He suffered four years of depression, and had a nervous break down when he was making "Evangelion." And it shows during the second half of the series. It felt good to know that the creator of "Evangelion" had the same problems that I go through.
And not only did he persevere, he became one of the most successful and controversial artists in the medium of anime. If he could do it, I knew that I could do it. Which is a cliche statement, but it's true.
During the summer of 2008, I visited San Antonio TX for two weeks, and I was really bored out of my mind. I had a great time playing video games with my friend Michael, and seeing his family again. But there was simply nothing for me in San Antonio anymore. I wanted to go back there, and find a reason to move back there. But I didn't find anything.
I remember having dinner with Michael's sister and her husband. And I told them that there is nothing for me in San Antonio. I realized that I needed to go back to New York City, because it is my real home now. She seemed happy that I discovered that about myself, and that my dreams were waiting for me in the big apple.
During those two weeks, I got see "Wall-E" with Michael and his family. It was a good film, but I disappointed with the amount of humans that were in the movie. They felt unnecessary, and were extremely annoying. But I was engaged with the love story, so it turned out to be a really good experience. I saw "Evangelion" all over again. And after reading many different theories and interpretations. I learned that towards the end of "End Of Evangelion", Shinji and all of humanity in instrumentality, became a liquid substance called LCL. And when Shinji rejected instrumentality, and was brought back to his physical human form.
And well, "End of Evangelion" is just the ultimate mind boggling experience. And I agreed with Eva Yojimbo's theories on the series and the film. That there are different visual motifs like the hand motif, the eye motif, the train motif and the color motif. The hand motif can be interpreted in different ways.
Like a way of giving comfort, or guidance to somebody. The eye motif can be interpreted differently as well. The train motif is very common in asian cinema, but I never really noticed it until I saw "Evangelion." The trains can represent either Shinji's hell, or salvation. You'll notice that when he runs away, he isolates himself on a train and whatever is around him, shows how he is feeling.
Like in episode 4, when he is riding on the train, he is distant from everybody and feels empty. And the color motif has to do with the colors Red and Blue. Red means the harsh reality of our existence, while the color blue is synonymous with bliss or joy. This interpretation echoes both finales. "Neon Genesis Evangelion" ends with a more optimistic ending, with a blue coloring.
While "End Of Evangelion" ends with a red coloring.
I was astounded by Yojimbo's interpretations and theories. And many other interpretations by different fans as well. Like me, they seemed to love "Evangelion" and have dissected it on a daily basis. I went to Evageeks.org to express my love for "Evangelion", to write about my own opinion of the series, and how it was such a life altering experience. And so far, Evageeks has been a great site.
There are some intense discussions here and there, but nothing to break everybody apart. "Evangelion" is the type of art that brought us all together.
We talked about some of our favorite moments in the series, and the best episodes. To me, the best episode is probably a tie between "Hedgehog's Dillemma" and "Splitting of the Beast." "Hedgehog's Dillemma" is the greatest display of visual characterization I have ever seen. But "Splitting of the Beast" impacted me on a more personal level, because it reminded me of the great friendship that I have with my mother. That no matter what, she'll always be there for me, to protect, and to help me during the toughest moments in my life.
That's basically what Shinji's mother does for him. His mothers name is Yuri, and her soul lives within the Evangelion known as Unit 01. So when Shinji seems to be in trouble, and looks like he's about to die. She always come to his rescue, by going into berserk mode, and destroys whatever is trying to kill Shinji. This is one of the most fascinating episodes. And on repeated viewings, it continues to impact me emotionally.
I learned about the AT fields as well. Their not just a force field that Angels and Evangelions use during battle. AT fields are things that humanity uses to protect themselves from being hurt. The reason that nobody can be truly intimate with one another, is because of our AT fields within our own hearts. Once we break down the AT fields, we become one entity, which starts instrumentality, and live in an eternal state of peace. Like Shinji, that's a world that I wish for.
A world where everything is united.
But it doesn't exist. And since it's a fake world, it shouldn't exist. Because reality is just so much sweeter. When I feel pain, I feel human. The Bible even shows that pain is a good thing. Without the pain that Jesus had to endure, we would not have our salvation. So that concept in "Evangelion" is nothing new, but it is based on genuine truth.
I learned that "Evangelion" could also be seen as satire. In a way, it constantly picks on mecha animes. Shinj takes on the cliche female role, while the female characters have the traditional male roles. Shinji is shy, introverted, and whines alot. While Rei is the strong, silent type. Misato is the leader, with an attitude. And Asuka is the loud, macho character. These three female characters, should be male characters, but I guess Hideaki Anno wanted to be more unconventional.
Shinji's sexuality is up for debate. In the beginning of "Evangelion", he masturbates to Asuka's comatose body. Which was a stab at hentai fans. Asuka represents the life less bodies of anime girls, and Shinji represents how sick and demented some hentai fans really are, for masturbating to the hentai. Hentai is basically porn for anime fans.
Now I'm not a judgmental person, and everybody has their taste. I guess falling in love with an anime character is less stressful and drama free, then being with a real woman. But if this interpretation is true, then I agree with Anno. It's just not healthy to be in love with an imaginary character in an anime, and isolate yourself from the real thing. But back to Shinji's sexuality.
In episode 24, Shinji has an attraction towards Karowu. Who seems to be gay, and Shinji falls in love with him. Now is Shinji bi-sexual? Or did he simply fall in love with somebody, who happened to be of the same sex? Let's face it, Shinji didn't have a lot of love. And the people who seem to like him, or love him didn't show any affection. So the minute somebody shows him affection, it makes sense that he would fall in love with that person.
I don't think Shinji should be classified as gay, straight, or bi sexual. He simply needed somebody who loved him unconditionally. And Kaworu fulfilled that need. Sadly, Kaworu turned out to be an Angel, who was about to start third impact. Which meant that Shinji needed to kill him, in order to save humanity from dying. But instead, Kaworu sacrificed his life, because he loved humanity and realized that we needed to live on. So he allowed Shinji to kill him, which destroyed Shinji psychologically.
Kaworu was the only person that Shinji loved, and he killed him to save the world. Who wouldn't go insane?
More satire is actually displayed during the first episode. Where Shinji is the cliched teenage boy who is called upon to pilot a mecha and save the world. Except in "Evangelion", Shinji refuses to pilot the mecha and whines about it. That's taking a cliche in anime, and subverting it to create a breath of fresh air. Which is something that Anno does throughout the entire series.
Now I don't consider "Evangelion" to be satirical, but I could see how somebody could come away with that interpretation. Personally, I feel that "Evangelion" is an allegory of deep depression and anxiety. This is an interpretation from Eva Yojimbo, and many other fans. I completely agree with this interpretation. It makes sense, since it fits with how the anime evolves into something chaotic and pessimistic during it's second half.
As I was reading these different interpretations, I decided to look for anime events. Or some place where I can meet other anime fans, or people who love "Evangelion" as much as I did. So I typed in anime viewing, or anime events in google. And I stumbled upon Metro Anime.
The first time I went to Metro Anime was in September of 2008. When I arrived at it's location around 33rd and 5th avenue, I met Adams. He started Metro Anime and has been an anime fan for 20 or 25 years. He was a nice man and definitely knew the history of anime.
Other people arrived, and put together the sound system, a big screen to view the anime. And this showing lasted for 6 hours. One of the animes that stood out for me was "Miname-Ke", which was an amazing slice-of-life anime. And I loved "Bamboo Blade."
After getting done with an anime, we would take 10 minute breaks. During those breaks, people were telling me about the New York City Comic-Con, and the New York Anime Festival. I really wanted to check out these events, and meet other anime fans. So the next couple days, I bought a 55 dollar weekend pass to the New York Anime Festival, and then I joined the New York Anime meetup.
During this time, the New York Anime Festival was a very young anime con. 2008 might of been it's second year. And while it had many problems, I still had a fascinating experience. I got to see cosplayers, youie and yuri fans yelling at each other, anime fans screaming for their favorite animes and celebrities. It was a fantastic weekend, and something that I want to experience every year.
I got to see the love and dedication of my fellow anime fans. There was a connection, and a common love for the medium that can't really be describe. We might disagree on the animes that we love and hate, but we're all united with our love for the medium itself. And to this day, I feel nobody can take it away from us.
After that event, I was ready for the New York Anime Meetup. I had dealt with thousands of different fans, which was a challenge, because I don't love crowds. But like Randal from "Clerks", I love gatherings. So while I get anxious around lots of people, I can still enjoy great events like Comic-con and New York Anime Festival.
So almost two weeks go by after the Anime Festival, and I take a trip to the New York City Anime meetup. It's usually located at the Skylight Dinner on 34th and 9th avenue, and I was both excited and nervous to meet new people. I saw a group of people that looked like they were anime fans, but I couldn't tell. So I waited outside until one of them said hello. Finally, one of them noticed me and asked me if I was there for the meetup, and I said yes.
I introduced myself, and I started discussing and debating about different animes. We talked about "Dragon Ball Z", had a moment of silence of "Toonami", and talked about other animes. I told everybody that I was a big fan of "Evangelion", and that it got me back into anime.
This was the first time where I met my homeboy name Jay, who liked "Evangelion", but wasn't much of a fan. He a bigger fan of "Gurren Lagaan." Which was an instant classic during that time, and it is one of the most entertaining animes that I've seen.
After our discussions, we decided to go into the Dinner. And after about an hour, it was packed. There was probably 70 anime fans in that one dinner. I spend most of my time talking to Jay and other fans around me, but I couldn't talk to everybody. It was crowded, and a lot of sensory over-load. But I had a great time. That night, I made four new friends, and talked to different anime fans. I even had a conversation about "Sailor Moon", which was one of my childhood favorites.
I met the organizer named Sal, who was an albino. I shook his hand, and he kinda looked like Master Roshi from "Dragon Ball Z", but I didn't think of it at that time. I met the assistant organizers named Jackie, and Willow, who seemed nice and welcoming.
As some people started to leave, I met a guy named Jonnelly, who was a big "Transformers" fanboy. He lived, slept, dream, and ate "Transformers" like nobody I had ever seen before. He use to be the organizer of the "Transformers" meetup and organized them at the old Virgin Mega Store on 14th street, at Union Square. I might of seen his meetup a couple times, but I didn't know about meetup.com until I heard about it through Metro Anime.
During the anime meetup, we all talked about "Evangelion", "Sailor Moon", "Dragon Ball Z", "Gurry Lagaan", and many other anime titles. After awhile, everybody decided to leave the dinner and go to a Karaoke Bar called "Wicked Willies."
I didn't go inside, because Jay didn't have his ID, so he couldn't go in. And I wanted to walk around a bit more. So I decided to hang out with Ant, his friend, Jay, and Jonnelly. That night was hilarious. We talked to an old man who claimed to have played with Jimmi Hendrix, and that it was "electric." He was really drunk, but the way he delivered the word "electric" was priceless.
After awhile, Ant and his friend called it a night. While Jay, Jonnelly, and I stayed out until 3 or 4 in the morning, playing Pool. I think it was the first time that I stayed up late in the City. When I'm awake at night, I'm usually up at home, watching TV, or playing on the computer. This time, I was actually hanging out with people, and doing social things. It was a good time, and I hope to never forget it.
After that, I wanted to go to more meetups and get closer to everybody. Not knowing that there would be plenty of drama along the way.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
My Walk with God and Evangelion: Chapter 2
2008
A better year
Once I made the decision to watch "Evangelion", I went to Best Buy on 23rd street and broadway. And bought the whole series. Now the series consists of 26 episodes, and a movie called "End of Evangelion." But "End of Evangelion" is sold separately from the series. And at the time I bought the series, the movie was out of print.
Luckily, I was told that it was available at Netflix.com, so I had plenty of patience. I just wanted to watch the series and see what all the hype was about. So I bought the series for almost 60 dollars, and brought it home to watch. The cover was gorgeous, and I couldn't stop looking at it. Before I bought the series, I use to just browse around Best Buy and look at it for many minutes.
So when Eva Yojimbo kept talking about it, I was very pleased that it was this anime that had the beautiful silver coloring to it. And when I finally watched, it was very addicting. The first episode wasn't as engrossing as I was hoping it would be, but it became more absorbing over the course of it's length. And like most anime series, the episodes were only 20+ minutes long. For awhile, I became cold turkey to anime and forgot how short an episode could be.
So when the first episode had ended, I was pretty startled, because I didn't want it to end. The first episode just kept getting better, and better. The character development was really intelligent, and it was refreshing to see an anime that didn't have a cliche hero who wants to save the entire world, or a one-dimensional tough guy.
The anime is about a teenage boy named Shinji Ikari. He was abandoned by his own father, his mother died at an early age, and he was deeply depressed. On the surface, he's a typical anime character. But underneath, he was really ground breaking for the anime medium. He didn't want to save the world, or pilot a giant mecha.
What teenage boy wouldn't want to pilot a giant mecah?! When I was a 14, I would of loved to pilot a mecha. Shinji not only refused to pilot the robot, but he was whining about it. He didn't want to fight in battle, because his father told him too. If it was anybody else who asked him to pilot the mecha, he would of done it. But since he was told by his own father, he didn't want to do it.
I have never seen anything quit like that in anime. Especially one that involved giant mechas. Which made me even more interested in "Evangelion." Right from the jump, it was turning into one of the most original and unique pieces of cinema I have ever seen.
When Shinji was done whining and telling his father that he didn't want to pilot the giant mecha, they decided to use Rei Ayanami to pilot the giant mecha. She was badly injured after some training session, and could barely get out of the hospital bed that was carrying her. Shinji saw her and had pity on her.
While all of this was happening, a monster called an "Angel" was attacking Tokyo 3. You see, the setting for "Evangelion" takes place during the year 2015 in a city called Tokyo 3. The old Tokyo was destroyed 15 years prior to the events that take place during the anime. An explosion in the year 2000 caused a catastrophe of epic proportions. It was called "Second Impact."
The "Second Impact" almost destroyed Antarctica, and killed half of the human population. During the first half of the series, it's believed that "Second Impact" was caused by a meteorite. Which landed in Antarctica, caused tsunamis, and lead to a global climate change. This also lead to a nuclear war, and Tokyo was nuked during that war.
In the year 2010, an organization called Gehirn changed into the paramilitary organization called Nerv which is headquartered in Tokyo 3. Which is a militarized civilian city located on one of the dry sections of Japan. And that's basically the whole setting of the series during it's first half. What it evolves into during the second half, is incredible.
The job for Nerv, is to fight against the Angels. And the opening of the first episode, shows the third Angel attacking Tokyo 3. Regular weapons prove to be ineffective, which is why giant Mechas are created to fight against them. These mechas are called "Evangelion's."
The characters who were introduced in the first episode were Shinji Ikari, Misato Katsuragi, Rei Ayanami, Gendo Ikari(Shinji's father), Ritsuko Akagi, Kozo Fuyutsuki, and the entire Nerv staff. I just wanted to explain the setting of this anime, so that there is not a lot of confusion. But this is a very complicated work of art. It twists and turns when you least expect it. And has multiple layers within it's narrative.
Now back to the main events that took place during the first episode. Shinji is called upon to pilot an Evangelion called Unit 01.. When he refuses the job, his father decides to use Rei Ayanami. She is physically unable to pilot or do anything, due to the injuries that she received during a training session. Shinji feels pity towards her, and tries to help her out.
But when the Angel attacks, the impact of it's weapon shakes the headquarters and causes it to break a little. So when it attacks, pieces of the roof top are about to fall on both Shinji and Rei. When suddenly, the Evangelion that Shinji was going to pilot, moves it's hand to save Shinji and Rei from dying. It used it's hand to cover both Shinji and Rei, and saved their lives.
When I saw that scene, I was amazed. The Eva was not functional, nor did it move until that moment. So how was it able to move it's own hand? Misato and Ritsuko were asking the same thing. After that moment, Shinji looks at his hand, and it's covered with Rei's blood. He says tom himself, "I'm not gonna run away, I'm not gonna run away, I'm not gonna run away."
Again, I was amazed by the emotional depth of the characters. To me, Shinji was an easy character to root for, and connect with. And once he gained the courage to pilot the Eva, I was hooked. I knew that I would be watching this series to the very end. It was at that moment, I knew that this anime would make some type of impact in my life.
As Shinji got into Unit 01, I was amazed at the amount of details that went into the animation of the Eva, and it's design. The music, and the editing had perfect timing. It just didn't seem to miss a beat.
As the Eva was lifted from Nerv headquarters, to the surface of Tokyo 3, I became more intrigued by the visuals and aesthetics of each shot. And as my anticipation of seeing the Evangelion fight the angel, the episode came to it's conclusion.
I was annoyed because I wanted to see the battle, but I was very intrigued. So I popped in episode 2, and it showed the beginning of the battle, but not the thing until somwhere around the middle of the episode. The first couple scenes show Shinji getting beat down by the angel. This part really shocked me, because in most mecha animes, the hero usually either knows how to pilot the mecah, or figures it out very quickly and destroys the enemy. But this has some more realism to it.
In real life, a teenager with no military experience, would be killed during his(or her) first time in battle. So it made sense that Shinji didn't do so well during his first battle. In fact, it looks like he gets killed by the angel, or knocked unconscious. Misato screams Shinji's name and then it cuts to a shot of Shinji in a Hospital room.
That was some of the best quick-cutting I have ever seen in cinema. I was really into that Battle sequence and kinda on the edge of my seat. So when the quick cut happened, I was shocked, but never got annoyed. I wanted to dee where this series was going, and I was completely engrossed into the tone and atmosphere that it was creating.
Once Shinji gets out of the Hospital. He moves in with Misato, and we get to learn more about her life. She's a complete slob, and a drunk. She doesn't clean up her house, and all she has is beer in her fridge. But it was some very interesting character development, and not something that I had expected.
In most animes and stories from cinema and literature, one of the main heroes is usually not a drunk. And I didn't know that during the time I was watching the anime, because I didn't know a whole lot about literature or anime. But in most cases, the heroes in a story are conventional. While the characters in "Evangelion" were unconventional and didn't seem to fit a single category.
In the second episode, we're introduced to Pen Pen. Who is a hot spring penguin, with a high degree of intelligence. And he's Misato's pet. We get to see the rest of the battle scene, which are both violent, and shocking. Just when you think Shinji and his Evangelion had lost the battle, the Eva goes into berserk mode and starts attacking relentlessly. It's starts operating without any power, or support from Nerv. And it beats the Angel to point where the angel decides to commit a kamikaze of some sort, in order to destroy the Evangelion. It didn't work. The angel exploded, and the Eva survived.
So while it had a lot of realism, it still had that fantasy element behind it. I wasn't expected that. In the third episode, we see how the war against the angels effects the psychological and emotional aspects of Shinji. We're introduced to Toji and Kensuke. Toji hated Shinji at first, because his sister was injured during the battle between Shinji and the angel. The kids at the school figured out that it was Shinji who piloted the Evangelion.
So Toji punched Shinji a couple times to teach him a lesson. He was basically taking out his anger and frustration of Shinji, since he couldn't do anything to help his sister. Kensuke is an otaku and military buff who's hobbies involve camping in the mountains of Tokyo 3, and doing simulated war reenactments by himself. When the fourth Angel comes to attack Tokyo 3, Kensuke solidifies his friendship with Shinji, after Shinji saves both Kensuke and Toji. Kensuke would love to pilot an Evangelion, since he was completely oblivious the physical and psychological stress that the pilots have to endure.
Kensuke is the cliched anime hero, in a mecha anime. He's spirited, and wants to pilot a giant mecha and fight in a war. He's a cliche, but he bounces off of Shinji perfectly, because Shinji is the main hero. We kinda get to see the anti-hero, reflect off of the ordinary anime character during episode 4. Which to me, is the best episode of the first half. Because we finally got to see the series go into a different route.
"Evangelion" is one of the few pieces of cinema that develops it's protagonist through visuals, aesthetics, and images. This is done with Shinji, during the fourth episode. He's completely developed by the end of that episode, and he doesn't have a lot of dialogue. His whole character development is done with the narration other characters like Ritsuke, and Misato. We learn about the Hedgehog dilemma that many people suffer from.
The Hedgehog's dilemma is a concept described by philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer and later adopted by Freud. It's the title of the fourth episode, and it is mentioned in the episode by Misato, to describe her relationship with Shinji. This is a fascinating philosophy that has a lot of truth to it. That many people are like hedgehog's. We want to get close to each other, but we're afraid of hurting one another, so we back away. It's an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy.
When the fourth episode came to an end, I was blown away. I've never seen anything like that in cinema, nor anime. It was one of the most beautiful, emotional, and powerful pieces of visual story telling I have ever seen. I'm a Terrence Malick fan, so I'm well aware of a films tone and atmosphere being used to tell a story. And that's exactly what happened in the fourth episode of "Neon Genesis Evangelion." It used nature, the tone, and the atmosphere to show the isolation and loneliness that Shinji was going through.
It's an episode that displayed a lot of truth about the psychological struggles that people go through. About the challenges of intimacy, and how uncomfortable it makes us feel. It showed that both Misato and Shinji needed one another, and had to deal with the pain and struggles of intimacy.
Many of the characters in "Evangelion" deal with deep psychological traumas, in relation to their parents. Shinji's introversion and social anxiety comes from the death of his mother at an early, and the abandonment of his father. In episode 7, we're introduced to Asuka Langley Soryu who pilots Unit 02. She was a target of her mother's insanity, and discovered her mother's body after she hanged herself. Asuka's tough, bullying personality is a means of distraction from her pain, and has made piloting Unit 02 her only source of pride and satisfaction.
Misato's father neglected her when she was a teenager, and after he was killed during Second Impact, she stopped talking for a couple years. Ritsuko saw her mother having an affair Gendo Ikari; after her mothers suicide, she felt both attraction and hate towards Gendo. The characters are basically walking contradictions. They hate, and love each other. They want to be next to each other, but can't stand to be near each other. Their very complex, and complicated characters, which makes them some of the most humane and realistic characters ever created in an anime.
Rei Ayanami is particularly complex. She starts off as a dream girl for any otaku fanboy. She's beautiful, quiet, and doesn't talk too much. She is a figure of a lot of mens dream girl. But the more she falls for Shinji, the most complex she becomes. During the training session, she is locked in the capsule that goes into the Evangelion, and Shinji's father saves her. So when Shinji saves her in episode 6, he looks like his father, which makes Rei connect with him a lot more. Rei might be the most ambiguous character, because her emotions and actions are entirely open for interpretations.
As the series progresses, we see the series evolve into something darker, sinister, and depressing. It goes from being just another mecha anime with a couple innovative moments, and one ground breaking episode like "The Hedgehog's Dilemma." And the design of the Evangelion's were highly ground breaking during the time the series premiered, and hasn't been replicated since. But the first half is definitely more conventional, then the second half. The first half has some filler episodes, which actually do well to contribute to the characterization of some of the characters like Asuka, and Rei. But the first half is nothing entirely special.
But the second half take things to a whole new level. We learn more about the psychological problems of the characters. And as they get become more mentally ill, the story starts to break apart. It begins to deconstruct itself from being a typical mecha anime, to becoming an allegory about the downward spiral of depression. The great thing about "Neon Genesis Evangelion" is that it can work on a number of different allegories. But it's primary allegory is it's realistic depiction of depression. And when you're depressed, you feel worthless, horrible, and completely insecure. Or at least have some form of social anxiety and fear of other people.
The depression that characters go through during "Evangelion", is the same depression that I went through. I was mostly a combination between Asuka and Shinji. Where I took pride and satisfaction in materialistic things, and had some social anxiety around people. And like most people, I'm a hedgehog. Which means that while I want to fall in love and be intimate with someone, I'm afraid too, because I'm afraid of being hurt. I also seem to be a walking contradiction, in the sense that I love and dislike the people that are the closest to me.
So "Evangelion" was hitting home with me, connecting with me, and showing me what I was going through. It also showed how I should change myself and become a better person. So it not only connected with me on a superficial, and visual level. But it also connected to me emotionally and spiritually. When I saw the whole series, I was brought to tears. The whole anime was an emotional roller coaster, and it touched my heart in a way that most animes have failed to do.
I think the only other anime that brought me to tears, was "Grave of the Fireflies." But it never got to me, on a more personal level. With "Evangelion", it almost like looking in a mirror. In fact, in the finale, it does become like a mirror. Because during the last two episodes, the characters are analyzed psychologically, with a voice asking the characters questions about their issues. The voice was the therapist, and the characters were patients. Then it starts feeling like I was getting analyzed, and that the questions for the characters, were questions for me.
During the last two episodes, Gendo and Rei initiate the Human Instrumentality Project. Forcing several characters to face their doubts, and fears and examine their self worth. By doing this, the series makes me do the same things. I started to face my fears, doubts, and examining my very existence. Not in a way that was conscious, but during my sub conscious. Somehow, the series made me thing in my sub conscious, and question myself.
The ending was made up of flash backs, sketchy artwork, and flashing text "over a montage of bleak visuals, that include black and white photos of desolate urban motifs such as a riderless bicycle or vacant park benches interspersed with graphic stills of the devastated Nerv headquarters in which Shinji's colleagues are seen as bloodstained bodies. There's also a brief interlude that depicts an alternate "Evangelion" world, where all of the characters are happy, and living normal lives that many anime characters live in a high school setting. The interlude is comedic, and very optimistic. It's jarring, but I loved how daring it was.
That interlude brought me to tears, because it reminded me of how I want my life to be a normal, happy life. A life with not a whole lot of pain, where I grew up as a normal kid, who everybody idolized, and that my parents loved each other and never got a divorce. At that time, I was an agnostic, so I didn't believe in God, but I couldn't deny his(or her) existence. So I'd sometimes wish that God had given me a different life, a better life.
The final episode concludes with Shinji realizing that life is worth living. Luckily, I came to that same conclusion as well. Life is worth living. Shinji realized that he didn't have to pilot an Eva to justify his existence. Then he is surrounded by most of the cast in the series, clapping and congratulating him. The introduction implies that this took place for everyone.
These complex questions that are brought up in the last two episodes, make us wonder who we are. These questions consist of our daily contemplation of our existence, relationships, friendships, and our spirituality. So while "Evangelion" is a very depressing and pessimistic work of art. It's also optimistic in the sense where it asks questions, and gives us hope with it's vague answers.
I also learned that the Second Impact wasn't caused by a meteorite. It was caused during an experiment that was being done on the first Angel: Adam. And that's what cause a cataclysmic explosion that changed the Earth forever. The whole plot in the first half was being torn apart and dissected. And I loved every minute of it.
Apparently, Second Impact was the result of an experiment being sponsored by the mysterious organization known as Seele. And carried out by the research organization Gehirn. This was a shocking revelation, and it made me look at the series from an entirely different point of view.
After I got done with the series, I was ready to watch "End of Evangelion." The series ended in an abstract way, with different visual layers that were suppose to be symbolic and not to really to be taken literally. While "End of Evangelion" ends the narrative.
I got "End of Evangelion" from Netflix, and it was an emotional roller coaster that I might never forget. It was a layered, in depth character study of Shinji Ikari. The last two episodes in the series, took place in Shinji's mind, while "End of Evangelion" took place outside of his mind. Many scenes are very abstract, create different metaphors, and can be interpreted in different ways.
In the series finale, third impact finally happens. But while it's happening, we're only seeing what's happening inside of Shinji's mind. And the ending is both up-lifting and confusing at the same time. "End of Evangelion" shows everything that happens during Third Impact. It shows what happens during Instrumentality and other events that are prophecised in the Dead Sea Scrolls.
In instrumentality, every person's soul becomes one entity. All the people who had suffered in their lives, were being put into a state of bliss for eternity. No more pain, anguish, hurt, anger, or hate. The fate of the world was left in Shinji's hands and he decided to end it, by allowing Third Impact to happen, in order to create instrumentality.
Now this type of plot could of been done in a conventional way. But because Shinji is a teenage boy with psychological and emotional problems, there is an added depth to the out come of instrumentality. Because if I felt depressed, suicidal, and was given the choice to end the world, I would do it. It's the only logical option in my opinion.
But during instrumentality, Shinji realizes that all the pain that he went through was a good thing. That pain and depression he went through, were the very things that made him human. So instead of allowing everybody to be in instrumentality forever, he decided to allow everybody to come back to Earth, whenever they choose to come back.
He realized that pain is a good thing, and something that we all must go through in order to be a stronger person. But Shinji will always wonder where will he find his true happiness. That's something I use to ask myself a lot, until I found God again. Before God, I didn't really have a purpose. But now I do have a purpose in life, which means that I can find my happiness through God.
Like the series, "End of Evangelion" is like a puzzle, within a puzzle, within a puzzle. You can put together one piece, but there are many pieces to the puzzle that can be put together in one way or another. And while "End of Evangelion" ends the narrative and brings everything to a satisfying conclusion, the last scene is still entirely open for interpretations.
It is one of my favorite scenes in cinema. It is called "One more final: I need you." The message at the end of this scene is that life is hard. It can be so hard that I would want to curl up and cry. But even when it's hard, there is that ray of light shining for all of humanity. There is hope for all of us, and hope will last for an eternity.
That's the message behind "Evangelion." After all the philosophy and the spirituality, the message is that there is hope for all of us. But "Evangelion" doesn't try to express that message in way that's easy. It doesn't try to tie everything up in a neat bow. It shows the reality of life, and shows it's true message in the midst of a lot of violence and disturbing scenes.
In the last scene of "End of Evangelion", Shinji and Asuka wake up on a beach. I guess this scene is showing the viewer that Shinji and Asuka will be the new Adam and Eve for Earth. But Shinji starts choking Asuka. But Asuka stops him from killing her, by rubbing his cheek with her hand.
That moment sums up the entire message. That even within the midst of despair and suffering, there is still hope for humanity. This is why I consider Shinji to be one of the greatest and most complex characters in cinematic history. Because after all of his whining and pessimistic attitude towards life, he decides that he would go through that pain all over again. Because those moments were the most important moments in his life.
I came to that realization as well. I had to live through these painful moments in my life, because that is what makes me human. And when I'd persevere, I would become stronger and gain deep knowledge of myself and who I can become. That life isn't a punishment, it's a gift from God. A gift that I must not take for granted, and appreciate every day of my life.
Looking back on my experience with "Evangelion", I think God created "Evangelion." He created it, to help me with my emotional state, my social issues, and how I can over come them. Back then, I didn't believe in God. But there was something powerful happening, that went beyond my understanding. And at that time, I called it "Evangelion."
Now don't get wrong. I still had to deal with my depression, and my life didn't immediately get better after I was done watching "Evangelion." It's a depressing show, and some episodes could ruin your day. In fact, I was watching "Evangelion" and another show called "Twin Peaks." And both of these series are very heavy, emotionally draining, and highly disturbing.
But with "Evangelion", I realized that my life is not worthless, and that I shouldn't run away from my problems. And that knowledge didn't hit me, until over the summer of 2008. When I decided to get off my butt, and socialize with other people who love anime, and "Evangelion."
A better year
Once I made the decision to watch "Evangelion", I went to Best Buy on 23rd street and broadway. And bought the whole series. Now the series consists of 26 episodes, and a movie called "End of Evangelion." But "End of Evangelion" is sold separately from the series. And at the time I bought the series, the movie was out of print.
Luckily, I was told that it was available at Netflix.com, so I had plenty of patience. I just wanted to watch the series and see what all the hype was about. So I bought the series for almost 60 dollars, and brought it home to watch. The cover was gorgeous, and I couldn't stop looking at it. Before I bought the series, I use to just browse around Best Buy and look at it for many minutes.
So when Eva Yojimbo kept talking about it, I was very pleased that it was this anime that had the beautiful silver coloring to it. And when I finally watched, it was very addicting. The first episode wasn't as engrossing as I was hoping it would be, but it became more absorbing over the course of it's length. And like most anime series, the episodes were only 20+ minutes long. For awhile, I became cold turkey to anime and forgot how short an episode could be.
So when the first episode had ended, I was pretty startled, because I didn't want it to end. The first episode just kept getting better, and better. The character development was really intelligent, and it was refreshing to see an anime that didn't have a cliche hero who wants to save the entire world, or a one-dimensional tough guy.
The anime is about a teenage boy named Shinji Ikari. He was abandoned by his own father, his mother died at an early age, and he was deeply depressed. On the surface, he's a typical anime character. But underneath, he was really ground breaking for the anime medium. He didn't want to save the world, or pilot a giant mecha.
What teenage boy wouldn't want to pilot a giant mecah?! When I was a 14, I would of loved to pilot a mecha. Shinji not only refused to pilot the robot, but he was whining about it. He didn't want to fight in battle, because his father told him too. If it was anybody else who asked him to pilot the mecha, he would of done it. But since he was told by his own father, he didn't want to do it.
I have never seen anything quit like that in anime. Especially one that involved giant mechas. Which made me even more interested in "Evangelion." Right from the jump, it was turning into one of the most original and unique pieces of cinema I have ever seen.
When Shinji was done whining and telling his father that he didn't want to pilot the giant mecha, they decided to use Rei Ayanami to pilot the giant mecha. She was badly injured after some training session, and could barely get out of the hospital bed that was carrying her. Shinji saw her and had pity on her.
While all of this was happening, a monster called an "Angel" was attacking Tokyo 3. You see, the setting for "Evangelion" takes place during the year 2015 in a city called Tokyo 3. The old Tokyo was destroyed 15 years prior to the events that take place during the anime. An explosion in the year 2000 caused a catastrophe of epic proportions. It was called "Second Impact."
The "Second Impact" almost destroyed Antarctica, and killed half of the human population. During the first half of the series, it's believed that "Second Impact" was caused by a meteorite. Which landed in Antarctica, caused tsunamis, and lead to a global climate change. This also lead to a nuclear war, and Tokyo was nuked during that war.
In the year 2010, an organization called Gehirn changed into the paramilitary organization called Nerv which is headquartered in Tokyo 3. Which is a militarized civilian city located on one of the dry sections of Japan. And that's basically the whole setting of the series during it's first half. What it evolves into during the second half, is incredible.
The job for Nerv, is to fight against the Angels. And the opening of the first episode, shows the third Angel attacking Tokyo 3. Regular weapons prove to be ineffective, which is why giant Mechas are created to fight against them. These mechas are called "Evangelion's."
The characters who were introduced in the first episode were Shinji Ikari, Misato Katsuragi, Rei Ayanami, Gendo Ikari(Shinji's father), Ritsuko Akagi, Kozo Fuyutsuki, and the entire Nerv staff. I just wanted to explain the setting of this anime, so that there is not a lot of confusion. But this is a very complicated work of art. It twists and turns when you least expect it. And has multiple layers within it's narrative.
Now back to the main events that took place during the first episode. Shinji is called upon to pilot an Evangelion called Unit 01.. When he refuses the job, his father decides to use Rei Ayanami. She is physically unable to pilot or do anything, due to the injuries that she received during a training session. Shinji feels pity towards her, and tries to help her out.
But when the Angel attacks, the impact of it's weapon shakes the headquarters and causes it to break a little. So when it attacks, pieces of the roof top are about to fall on both Shinji and Rei. When suddenly, the Evangelion that Shinji was going to pilot, moves it's hand to save Shinji and Rei from dying. It used it's hand to cover both Shinji and Rei, and saved their lives.
When I saw that scene, I was amazed. The Eva was not functional, nor did it move until that moment. So how was it able to move it's own hand? Misato and Ritsuko were asking the same thing. After that moment, Shinji looks at his hand, and it's covered with Rei's blood. He says tom himself, "I'm not gonna run away, I'm not gonna run away, I'm not gonna run away."
Again, I was amazed by the emotional depth of the characters. To me, Shinji was an easy character to root for, and connect with. And once he gained the courage to pilot the Eva, I was hooked. I knew that I would be watching this series to the very end. It was at that moment, I knew that this anime would make some type of impact in my life.
As Shinji got into Unit 01, I was amazed at the amount of details that went into the animation of the Eva, and it's design. The music, and the editing had perfect timing. It just didn't seem to miss a beat.
As the Eva was lifted from Nerv headquarters, to the surface of Tokyo 3, I became more intrigued by the visuals and aesthetics of each shot. And as my anticipation of seeing the Evangelion fight the angel, the episode came to it's conclusion.
I was annoyed because I wanted to see the battle, but I was very intrigued. So I popped in episode 2, and it showed the beginning of the battle, but not the thing until somwhere around the middle of the episode. The first couple scenes show Shinji getting beat down by the angel. This part really shocked me, because in most mecha animes, the hero usually either knows how to pilot the mecah, or figures it out very quickly and destroys the enemy. But this has some more realism to it.
In real life, a teenager with no military experience, would be killed during his(or her) first time in battle. So it made sense that Shinji didn't do so well during his first battle. In fact, it looks like he gets killed by the angel, or knocked unconscious. Misato screams Shinji's name and then it cuts to a shot of Shinji in a Hospital room.
That was some of the best quick-cutting I have ever seen in cinema. I was really into that Battle sequence and kinda on the edge of my seat. So when the quick cut happened, I was shocked, but never got annoyed. I wanted to dee where this series was going, and I was completely engrossed into the tone and atmosphere that it was creating.
Once Shinji gets out of the Hospital. He moves in with Misato, and we get to learn more about her life. She's a complete slob, and a drunk. She doesn't clean up her house, and all she has is beer in her fridge. But it was some very interesting character development, and not something that I had expected.
In most animes and stories from cinema and literature, one of the main heroes is usually not a drunk. And I didn't know that during the time I was watching the anime, because I didn't know a whole lot about literature or anime. But in most cases, the heroes in a story are conventional. While the characters in "Evangelion" were unconventional and didn't seem to fit a single category.
In the second episode, we're introduced to Pen Pen. Who is a hot spring penguin, with a high degree of intelligence. And he's Misato's pet. We get to see the rest of the battle scene, which are both violent, and shocking. Just when you think Shinji and his Evangelion had lost the battle, the Eva goes into berserk mode and starts attacking relentlessly. It's starts operating without any power, or support from Nerv. And it beats the Angel to point where the angel decides to commit a kamikaze of some sort, in order to destroy the Evangelion. It didn't work. The angel exploded, and the Eva survived.
So while it had a lot of realism, it still had that fantasy element behind it. I wasn't expected that. In the third episode, we see how the war against the angels effects the psychological and emotional aspects of Shinji. We're introduced to Toji and Kensuke. Toji hated Shinji at first, because his sister was injured during the battle between Shinji and the angel. The kids at the school figured out that it was Shinji who piloted the Evangelion.
So Toji punched Shinji a couple times to teach him a lesson. He was basically taking out his anger and frustration of Shinji, since he couldn't do anything to help his sister. Kensuke is an otaku and military buff who's hobbies involve camping in the mountains of Tokyo 3, and doing simulated war reenactments by himself. When the fourth Angel comes to attack Tokyo 3, Kensuke solidifies his friendship with Shinji, after Shinji saves both Kensuke and Toji. Kensuke would love to pilot an Evangelion, since he was completely oblivious the physical and psychological stress that the pilots have to endure.
Kensuke is the cliched anime hero, in a mecha anime. He's spirited, and wants to pilot a giant mecha and fight in a war. He's a cliche, but he bounces off of Shinji perfectly, because Shinji is the main hero. We kinda get to see the anti-hero, reflect off of the ordinary anime character during episode 4. Which to me, is the best episode of the first half. Because we finally got to see the series go into a different route.
"Evangelion" is one of the few pieces of cinema that develops it's protagonist through visuals, aesthetics, and images. This is done with Shinji, during the fourth episode. He's completely developed by the end of that episode, and he doesn't have a lot of dialogue. His whole character development is done with the narration other characters like Ritsuke, and Misato. We learn about the Hedgehog dilemma that many people suffer from.
The Hedgehog's dilemma is a concept described by philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer and later adopted by Freud. It's the title of the fourth episode, and it is mentioned in the episode by Misato, to describe her relationship with Shinji. This is a fascinating philosophy that has a lot of truth to it. That many people are like hedgehog's. We want to get close to each other, but we're afraid of hurting one another, so we back away. It's an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy.
When the fourth episode came to an end, I was blown away. I've never seen anything like that in cinema, nor anime. It was one of the most beautiful, emotional, and powerful pieces of visual story telling I have ever seen. I'm a Terrence Malick fan, so I'm well aware of a films tone and atmosphere being used to tell a story. And that's exactly what happened in the fourth episode of "Neon Genesis Evangelion." It used nature, the tone, and the atmosphere to show the isolation and loneliness that Shinji was going through.
It's an episode that displayed a lot of truth about the psychological struggles that people go through. About the challenges of intimacy, and how uncomfortable it makes us feel. It showed that both Misato and Shinji needed one another, and had to deal with the pain and struggles of intimacy.
Many of the characters in "Evangelion" deal with deep psychological traumas, in relation to their parents. Shinji's introversion and social anxiety comes from the death of his mother at an early, and the abandonment of his father. In episode 7, we're introduced to Asuka Langley Soryu who pilots Unit 02. She was a target of her mother's insanity, and discovered her mother's body after she hanged herself. Asuka's tough, bullying personality is a means of distraction from her pain, and has made piloting Unit 02 her only source of pride and satisfaction.
Misato's father neglected her when she was a teenager, and after he was killed during Second Impact, she stopped talking for a couple years. Ritsuko saw her mother having an affair Gendo Ikari; after her mothers suicide, she felt both attraction and hate towards Gendo. The characters are basically walking contradictions. They hate, and love each other. They want to be next to each other, but can't stand to be near each other. Their very complex, and complicated characters, which makes them some of the most humane and realistic characters ever created in an anime.
Rei Ayanami is particularly complex. She starts off as a dream girl for any otaku fanboy. She's beautiful, quiet, and doesn't talk too much. She is a figure of a lot of mens dream girl. But the more she falls for Shinji, the most complex she becomes. During the training session, she is locked in the capsule that goes into the Evangelion, and Shinji's father saves her. So when Shinji saves her in episode 6, he looks like his father, which makes Rei connect with him a lot more. Rei might be the most ambiguous character, because her emotions and actions are entirely open for interpretations.
As the series progresses, we see the series evolve into something darker, sinister, and depressing. It goes from being just another mecha anime with a couple innovative moments, and one ground breaking episode like "The Hedgehog's Dilemma." And the design of the Evangelion's were highly ground breaking during the time the series premiered, and hasn't been replicated since. But the first half is definitely more conventional, then the second half. The first half has some filler episodes, which actually do well to contribute to the characterization of some of the characters like Asuka, and Rei. But the first half is nothing entirely special.
But the second half take things to a whole new level. We learn more about the psychological problems of the characters. And as they get become more mentally ill, the story starts to break apart. It begins to deconstruct itself from being a typical mecha anime, to becoming an allegory about the downward spiral of depression. The great thing about "Neon Genesis Evangelion" is that it can work on a number of different allegories. But it's primary allegory is it's realistic depiction of depression. And when you're depressed, you feel worthless, horrible, and completely insecure. Or at least have some form of social anxiety and fear of other people.
The depression that characters go through during "Evangelion", is the same depression that I went through. I was mostly a combination between Asuka and Shinji. Where I took pride and satisfaction in materialistic things, and had some social anxiety around people. And like most people, I'm a hedgehog. Which means that while I want to fall in love and be intimate with someone, I'm afraid too, because I'm afraid of being hurt. I also seem to be a walking contradiction, in the sense that I love and dislike the people that are the closest to me.
So "Evangelion" was hitting home with me, connecting with me, and showing me what I was going through. It also showed how I should change myself and become a better person. So it not only connected with me on a superficial, and visual level. But it also connected to me emotionally and spiritually. When I saw the whole series, I was brought to tears. The whole anime was an emotional roller coaster, and it touched my heart in a way that most animes have failed to do.
I think the only other anime that brought me to tears, was "Grave of the Fireflies." But it never got to me, on a more personal level. With "Evangelion", it almost like looking in a mirror. In fact, in the finale, it does become like a mirror. Because during the last two episodes, the characters are analyzed psychologically, with a voice asking the characters questions about their issues. The voice was the therapist, and the characters were patients. Then it starts feeling like I was getting analyzed, and that the questions for the characters, were questions for me.
During the last two episodes, Gendo and Rei initiate the Human Instrumentality Project. Forcing several characters to face their doubts, and fears and examine their self worth. By doing this, the series makes me do the same things. I started to face my fears, doubts, and examining my very existence. Not in a way that was conscious, but during my sub conscious. Somehow, the series made me thing in my sub conscious, and question myself.
The ending was made up of flash backs, sketchy artwork, and flashing text "over a montage of bleak visuals, that include black and white photos of desolate urban motifs such as a riderless bicycle or vacant park benches interspersed with graphic stills of the devastated Nerv headquarters in which Shinji's colleagues are seen as bloodstained bodies. There's also a brief interlude that depicts an alternate "Evangelion" world, where all of the characters are happy, and living normal lives that many anime characters live in a high school setting. The interlude is comedic, and very optimistic. It's jarring, but I loved how daring it was.
That interlude brought me to tears, because it reminded me of how I want my life to be a normal, happy life. A life with not a whole lot of pain, where I grew up as a normal kid, who everybody idolized, and that my parents loved each other and never got a divorce. At that time, I was an agnostic, so I didn't believe in God, but I couldn't deny his(or her) existence. So I'd sometimes wish that God had given me a different life, a better life.
The final episode concludes with Shinji realizing that life is worth living. Luckily, I came to that same conclusion as well. Life is worth living. Shinji realized that he didn't have to pilot an Eva to justify his existence. Then he is surrounded by most of the cast in the series, clapping and congratulating him. The introduction implies that this took place for everyone.
These complex questions that are brought up in the last two episodes, make us wonder who we are. These questions consist of our daily contemplation of our existence, relationships, friendships, and our spirituality. So while "Evangelion" is a very depressing and pessimistic work of art. It's also optimistic in the sense where it asks questions, and gives us hope with it's vague answers.
I also learned that the Second Impact wasn't caused by a meteorite. It was caused during an experiment that was being done on the first Angel: Adam. And that's what cause a cataclysmic explosion that changed the Earth forever. The whole plot in the first half was being torn apart and dissected. And I loved every minute of it.
Apparently, Second Impact was the result of an experiment being sponsored by the mysterious organization known as Seele. And carried out by the research organization Gehirn. This was a shocking revelation, and it made me look at the series from an entirely different point of view.
After I got done with the series, I was ready to watch "End of Evangelion." The series ended in an abstract way, with different visual layers that were suppose to be symbolic and not to really to be taken literally. While "End of Evangelion" ends the narrative.
I got "End of Evangelion" from Netflix, and it was an emotional roller coaster that I might never forget. It was a layered, in depth character study of Shinji Ikari. The last two episodes in the series, took place in Shinji's mind, while "End of Evangelion" took place outside of his mind. Many scenes are very abstract, create different metaphors, and can be interpreted in different ways.
In the series finale, third impact finally happens. But while it's happening, we're only seeing what's happening inside of Shinji's mind. And the ending is both up-lifting and confusing at the same time. "End of Evangelion" shows everything that happens during Third Impact. It shows what happens during Instrumentality and other events that are prophecised in the Dead Sea Scrolls.
In instrumentality, every person's soul becomes one entity. All the people who had suffered in their lives, were being put into a state of bliss for eternity. No more pain, anguish, hurt, anger, or hate. The fate of the world was left in Shinji's hands and he decided to end it, by allowing Third Impact to happen, in order to create instrumentality.
Now this type of plot could of been done in a conventional way. But because Shinji is a teenage boy with psychological and emotional problems, there is an added depth to the out come of instrumentality. Because if I felt depressed, suicidal, and was given the choice to end the world, I would do it. It's the only logical option in my opinion.
But during instrumentality, Shinji realizes that all the pain that he went through was a good thing. That pain and depression he went through, were the very things that made him human. So instead of allowing everybody to be in instrumentality forever, he decided to allow everybody to come back to Earth, whenever they choose to come back.
He realized that pain is a good thing, and something that we all must go through in order to be a stronger person. But Shinji will always wonder where will he find his true happiness. That's something I use to ask myself a lot, until I found God again. Before God, I didn't really have a purpose. But now I do have a purpose in life, which means that I can find my happiness through God.
Like the series, "End of Evangelion" is like a puzzle, within a puzzle, within a puzzle. You can put together one piece, but there are many pieces to the puzzle that can be put together in one way or another. And while "End of Evangelion" ends the narrative and brings everything to a satisfying conclusion, the last scene is still entirely open for interpretations.
It is one of my favorite scenes in cinema. It is called "One more final: I need you." The message at the end of this scene is that life is hard. It can be so hard that I would want to curl up and cry. But even when it's hard, there is that ray of light shining for all of humanity. There is hope for all of us, and hope will last for an eternity.
That's the message behind "Evangelion." After all the philosophy and the spirituality, the message is that there is hope for all of us. But "Evangelion" doesn't try to express that message in way that's easy. It doesn't try to tie everything up in a neat bow. It shows the reality of life, and shows it's true message in the midst of a lot of violence and disturbing scenes.
In the last scene of "End of Evangelion", Shinji and Asuka wake up on a beach. I guess this scene is showing the viewer that Shinji and Asuka will be the new Adam and Eve for Earth. But Shinji starts choking Asuka. But Asuka stops him from killing her, by rubbing his cheek with her hand.
That moment sums up the entire message. That even within the midst of despair and suffering, there is still hope for humanity. This is why I consider Shinji to be one of the greatest and most complex characters in cinematic history. Because after all of his whining and pessimistic attitude towards life, he decides that he would go through that pain all over again. Because those moments were the most important moments in his life.
I came to that realization as well. I had to live through these painful moments in my life, because that is what makes me human. And when I'd persevere, I would become stronger and gain deep knowledge of myself and who I can become. That life isn't a punishment, it's a gift from God. A gift that I must not take for granted, and appreciate every day of my life.
Looking back on my experience with "Evangelion", I think God created "Evangelion." He created it, to help me with my emotional state, my social issues, and how I can over come them. Back then, I didn't believe in God. But there was something powerful happening, that went beyond my understanding. And at that time, I called it "Evangelion."
Now don't get wrong. I still had to deal with my depression, and my life didn't immediately get better after I was done watching "Evangelion." It's a depressing show, and some episodes could ruin your day. In fact, I was watching "Evangelion" and another show called "Twin Peaks." And both of these series are very heavy, emotionally draining, and highly disturbing.
But with "Evangelion", I realized that my life is not worthless, and that I shouldn't run away from my problems. And that knowledge didn't hit me, until over the summer of 2008. When I decided to get off my butt, and socialize with other people who love anime, and "Evangelion."
My Walk with God and Evangelion: Chapter 1
2006,2007
Very depressing years
My personal walk to find myself started around 2006 and 2007, as I was getting into heated debates, discussions, and arguments with different people on IMDB. I had been a member of IMDB since 2005, always made regular comments there, and had many interesting discussions and arguments.
But 2007 was different; my discussions principally mainly involved "2001: A Space Odyssey", and it was also first time that I had ever heard of an anime called "Neon Genesis Evangelion."
One of the members named Eva Yojimbo, just constantly kept recommending to watch the anime "Neon Genesis Evangelion." I couldn't understand why he was so obsessed over it, or how he could compare a cartoon to great cinema like "2001: A Space Odyssey", "Blade Runner", "Seven Samurai", "Mulholland Drive", or "Vertigo." And not only did he rank them next to those films, he put it above them! I was shocked, and became curious with this obsessive love he had towards "Evangelion."
While I was through all these different discussions and debates in 2007, my life was in a constant state of depression. I kept feeling like I was going down a black hole, and couldn't find a way out. All four walls were crushing me and I didn't know what to do. My heart was filled with sorrow, and despair. I hated the fact that I couldn't get a girlfriend, and that I was a recluse. I would avoid the pain, by playing video games all day, or just expressing my anger towards my family and what few friends I had during that time. My depression didn't get any better, as my geek world seemed to be falling apart around me. Comic-books felt empty, shallow, and repetitive to me. I subjected myself to awful comic-book adaptations like "Ghost Rider", and "Spiderman 3." And even video games didn't seem to fill that emptiness within my heart.
So my geek life was in hades during that time. I had to endure the bloated and mindless "X-Men 3" one of the worst experiences of my life. I was disappointed in "Superman Returns" for having a boring story, and no action at all. It was basically a CGI version of Richard Donner's original movie, without a good story, more plot-holes, and a nonexistent interesting love story.
Then the very next year came the dreadful "Ghost Rider" flick, with Nicholas Cage. It made excellent money at the box office, but I felt as if I had completely wasted my time and money on one of the most empty experiences of my life. And then came "Spiderman 3", one of the biggest cinematic disappointments in recent memory.
It just felt like everything was crashing around me. My personal life was uninteresting, my geek life with comic-books wasn't that exciting, and superhero films were getting worse. In fact, the only great comic-book adaptations that I saw during that time, came out in 2005. And those films were "Batman Begins" and "Sin City."
Yet that year also had these dreadful flicks, "Elektra" and "Fantastic Four."
2005 wasn't a great year for comic book fans like me, yearning for just ONE great year at the cinemas for superhero films, and comic-book adaptations. No, 2005 was not the year, when my walk toward spiritualism really got started; it definitely began in late 2006, and the summer of 2007.
That summer was an intense time and anxious time in my life. I was 20 years old, and I had a crush on a girl named Addie, but we couldn't stop arguing. We almost began to fight each other at Barnes N Noble at Union Square, which is one of the biggest, and most beautiful Barnes N Nobles that I have ever seen.
Yes, we caused a scene that day in late June of 2007, and we haven't talked much since then. We reconciled for a bit, but she became very busy with her political campaign work and that took up most of her time.
She was so such a cute girl, with an incredible body and a spirited personality. She was always open about her sex life, political views, and many other things. I loved her so much, but I had to argue with her. I had to constantly debate her, and I had to win those debates. I wanted her to bow down, and acknowledge my intelligence and masculinity as a man. But that never happened.
I remember we got into a huge argument about George W. Bush. I claimed that he was a do nothing President. She became angry, and called my argument one of the most idiotic, and asinine things that she had ever heard spoken by anyone. Well, technically, she was right. George W. Bush was never a do nothing President. He fought a war in Afghanistan post 9/11/2001, he started an unnecessary war in Iraq, and cut taxes for the rich.
Yet I loved it when Addie got mad, because it turned me on. Seeing her get angry, her face turning red gave me immense satisfaction, and made me want her even more. Therefore, I didn't try to correct my statements and tell here that I did think Bush had performed and promoted legislation to assist people who were poor or in need of help."
That would of been the right thing to say, since it had merit. Emphasizing that Bush didn't do anything, was completely false on my part. He did do many things for all American citizens albeit more for the rich...his base...but he accomplished much in his administration, and that's an absolute fact!
Our argument happened late 2006. It must of been in December, because two of my best friends Anthony and Edie became a couple around November, and were just getting closer to each other , and couldn't stop making out in public. I envied Anthony for having her, because I had a crush on her too. I envied Anthony, for being better looking then me. But then I started envying his relationship with Edie, and the connection they had, the love and compassion. It was all there, and I really needed that in my life. This was basically three years before God would find that special person who would fill that void in my life, and bring me back to him. So in 2006, I was an emotional wreck. Two of the girls that I wanted the most were with somebody else. One of them probably felt like I was an annoying little brat(Addie), while the other just liked me as a friend(Edie). And I felt like my life just SUCKED!
Still, 2006 wasn't an entirely bad year. I got to see some great films like "Babel" and "Pan's Labyrinth." "Pan's Labyrinth" one an incredible experience, and one of the most violent fantasy films ever written. And basically most fantasy tales are pretty violent, even the ones that are dumbed down by Disney movies. Therefore, "Pan's Labyrinth" hit the mark when it got made.
Guillermo Del Toro did an excellent job and I gained genuine faith in him as a filmmaker. Because while his other film "Blade 2" was an awesome spectacle, it had no substance, and it was basically emotionless screen drivel so I didn't really care about the journey.
I rooted more for the villain in that movie, than I rooted for "Blade." And I was a huge "Blade" fanboy during that time. I loved the comics, and read alot of them, and the original film was one of the greatest marvel adaptations to this day. Probably even better then "Spiderman 2" in some cases.
"The Descent" was a fantastic horror flick, that actually scared the crap out of me. One of the great modern horror films, in an era where torture porn still seems popular among so-called horror fans. I'm sorry, but "Saw" and "Hostel" are not horror films. They're snuff flicks, dressed up as horror films.
My personal favorite films that year were "Inland Empire", "Brick", and "Half Nelson." I saw "Brick" like 5 or 6 times in the theater. I would go to the Anjelika Theater, and it was always an incredible experience. It's one of the most absorbing, original, and perfectly acted film-noirs ever made. And it showed Joseph Gordon Levitt's incredible strength as an actor, and fascinating charisma. I saw "Inland Empire" around the fall of 2007. It was a blind-buy, but that didn't matter, because I was already well educated on David Lynch during that time and knew that I was going to love. And as far as I'm concerned, it's still the best film of 2006, and you can't really find a film to compare it too. It's just a three hour dream sequence.
The best performance of 2006 was "Half Nelson" starring Ryan Gosling, who showed an astounding range of emotions in every scene.
Forrest Whittaker's performance in "The Last King Of Scotland", was phenominal but the Oscar should of gone to Ryan Gosling, for giving one of the most convincing performances of a drug addict that I have ever seen. I also felt that Clint Eastwood deserved the Oscar that year for best director instead of Martin Scorsese, but I was happy Scorsese won, because of all the great work that he's done in his career so far. I'm sure he still has a more great films left in him.
There were other good or films that year. "Letters From Iwo Jima", "Children of Men", "The Prestige", "The Departed", "Volver", "Little Miss Sunshine", "The Queen", "The Pursuit of Happiness", "Little Children", "Notes on a Scandal", "United 93", "The Last King of Scotland", and many others. There were powerful documentaries like "When the Levees Broke", and "Jesus Camp." So overall, 2006 was a really good year for cinema. Much better then 2005 in my opinion, but none of this is really important. I'm just giving you a window into my love for cinema. This is barely the tip of the Ice Burg. But my main focus is on how God put together so many crazy things in line, in order for me to get back to him. And not just my geek life, but in my personal life as well.
By the end of 2006, I didn't feel like I had a purpose, I was obsessed with movies, obsessed with girls, and obsessed with Bragelina! When I would I see my therapist, I wouldn't really talk about myself, because I never felt like there was anything of interest to talk about. I was thinking about girls, masturbating alot, watching porn, playing video games, watching movies, thinking about whatever Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were doing. And that was it. I didn't feel like talking about the fact that I was yelling and arguing with my mother most of the time. I didn't want to talk about my depression, sadness, or my anger towards God. I didn't want to talk about the fact that I wanted to be with Addie, Eddie, or whatever girl that went past me.
I was pissed that Addie wasn't my girlfriend. She was beautiful, articulate, quirky, had a great body, and was very opinionated. And we were so opinionated, that it basically ruined whatever friendship that we could of had. I also use to feel bullied by her as well. She use to pick on me for being a virgin, and just poked fun at me for any reason. But when I finally lost my tempter and told her to "eff off", our friendship just ended. We didn't fight, or have a huge yelling match. But that episode was enough for us to realize that we couldn't be around each other anymore. Our falling out happened around June of 2007. Which made me sad, because she was a good friend of mine
The last time I talked to her was during April or March of 2008. We bumped into each other and caught up with some of the things we were doing. I told her that I was making new friends on meetup.com, and she told me that she was busy with campaigning for the upcoming election. She wanted Hillary to win, and I wanted Obama to win. For all I know, we could have been married in another lifetime, with the amount of differences that we had, because let's face it, opposites attract, but she definitely wasn't attracted to me, since she still had a boyfriend.
We discussed who was the better candidate, Barack Obama or Hilary Clinton. She basically admired Hilary because she's an accomplished woman candidate. And Addie is the perfect feminist, open with her sexuality, her political views, and her opinions. That she was a Hilary supporter did not surprise me. She knew who I was voting for, she knew my stance on racism in politics, and she knew that I felt that America was one of the most racist state in the world. I told her that I was voting for Obama, and that my entire reason for voting for him was because he is an African-American.
I didn't care about his political views, even though I agreed with a lot of them, I didn't care about his life story, his nice family, or the fact that he grew up as a mix of different races and cultures in his blood, just like me. I'm part West Indian, Danish, Native American, and Jewish. So while I loved his political views, and could relate to how he grew up, I didn't care about that:. I wanted to see a Black man as President. I wanted to grow up in a world where I could say, "My President is black and be proud of it!"
I told her that I couldn't vote for Hilary, because I just couldn't vote for another Presidential candidate who wasn't cognizant of simple state politics. Hilary has been in politics as long as her husband, Bill Clinton, yet she didn't know that Texas had both a State primary, and a State Caucas? How could she not know that? Obama had only been actively working national politics since 2002, which means 2008 was his sixth year in politics, but he knew enough about Texas politics, to beat Hilary Clinton. If I'm gonna vote for a candidate, they have to be an articulate an educated leader. Obama possessed all of the requisite traits that I considered necessary for President, Hilary did not.
Addie didn't know that Hilary could be that incompetent, nor did she know that Hilary had admitted her incompetence by mentioning that she didn't know Texas had both a primary and a State Caucus. Addie and I didn't have time to argue about that situation, because she was busy with with her campaign field work , but I felt like I'd finally won a discussion with her. I said to myself, "I won!"
I had great times with my old friends, some whom remain my friends still. We spent many joyful moments together, especially going to the movies. I would usually buy the tickets for all of us, gratis. Our superficial friendships began to develop in a deep personal and emotional level, because of the different issues and personal problems we had in common. So after many weeks of getting to know one another, we began to hang out more, watch movies, and have more fun. I went to a house party once, which was held by my old friend Addie at her home for all of us.. We'd usually butt-heads a lot, and we never got along, but I learned from her, and I'm eternally grateful that she was my friend. And that goes for my other close friends, Antony, Janet, and Theo, who gave me great advice, and cared about my well being.
But by April of 2007, I wasn't really thinking about Addie anymore. Granted, I was distracted with the awfulness of "Ghost Rider", the new homo erotic action flick called "300", and trying to actually hang out with Anthony and Edie without feeling like choking myself since I had a huge crush on Edie.
Soon my attention turned towards another girl, a Puerto Rican spit fire! By the early summer of 2007, I was falling in love with a gorgeous Puerto Rican girl named Cassie, who had no interest in me at all. But I loved her. I loved her alot! Actually, it wasn't love, it was lust! I lusted after her, and I think she knew it. Women know when men are looking at them and lusting after them, they have a sixth sense about that sort of thing.
At that time, she might have been the most beautiful person who had ever spoken to me,. She had incredible multicolored eyes, and amazing curves. She had one of the best bodies I had ever seen. She said that she exercised a lot, and took kick-boxing classes. I was like, "Kick me, kick me!" I just couldn't stop looking at her. She was my dream girl, she was a Latina, and she was hot! I obsessed over her, I wanted her, I couldn't stop thinking about her, and I was in lust with her all the time; one of the seven deadly sins.
She had this dangerous beauty about her that only the best poet would dare write about. She was beautiful with a dangerous edge with excited me all the more. She looked as if she would give you a sweet hug and kiss, and then tear you to pieces the next moment. I loved that! I wanted her to punch me, hurt me, or bite me. And she did bit my finger once, because I was annoying her, and it was painful, but I really liked it. It was a fond memory to remember her by. But sadly, she just wasn't that into me.
We flirted at times, but that's all it was. In the end, I wasn't her type, and my heart was broken. My crush on her started around April of 07, and it didn't stop until early 2008. But she broke my heart in October of 2007, and I was deeply depressed. I've basically obsessed over women most of my life. I wanted a girlfriend, I wanted to move in with a woman, I wanted to get married, and maybe have kids. Personally, I wanted women to worship me, and follow every word that I spoke, and every move that I made. I wanted to be Robert Pattison, Brad Pitt, and Johnny Depp all mixed into one. But it wasn't happening, and I was stuck with my pathetic little life.
To make things worse, I had an argument an ex-girlfriend of mine, Nikki. We dated in San Antonio she was and really cute. She had nice eyes, and was very curvy. She was bi-racial Black and Mexican.
She had many personal problems. In 2002 she wanted to commit suicide, but with the help of others, I managed to keep her from killing herself. We began to date in 2003, but we had many breakups.
We did have one great date when we went to see a terrible movie, "You Got Served." It absolutely sucked. Because it was so awful, it became the perfect time for us to make out. I loved kissing her; she had so much passion and pain behind her kisses. I could almost feel the yearning, and anguish within her soul every time we kissed, and that made my buying the two tickets worthwhile. If anyone else suffered through that flick, I want to apologize for reminding you of it's existence.
Anyway, since my mother and I were moving to New York City, we broke up, . I wasn't going suffer long distance relationship drama, wondering what your girl is doing, while in another state, trying to meet and date other girls in New York. I wasn't going play her like that, or lie to her. So after awhile, we separated but remained friends.
Later in the year, during the summer of 2007, she called me and wanted to visit me. She asked me if I had any girlfriends or if was interested in somebody. I didn't tell her the number of women that I was interested in, but I did tell her that though I had crushes on a few girls, I could put them aside for her. I was lonely, and willing to have my ex-girlfriend come up to New York for a while so that I might finally lose my virginity, and have sex. Then we would go our separate ways, and I'd try to meet other women, with a bit more confidence, knowing that I was finally a man, and that I had finally slept with a woman. Well that didn't happen.
After Cassie broke my heart, then Niki told me that she had found a new guy, and that they were getting close, because he became close to her mother. He went from being a friend and a shoulder for her to cry on, to boyfriend. I was angry, and told her so on Myspace.I did some name calling, and said some things that I shouldn't have.
I think her older brother threatened to kill me, as did her boyfriend. They were Latin Kings, and could of actually killed me, but I didn't care. I was too depressed to live, so I just kept cursing all three of them out until I finally got bored, removed her from my friends list on Myspace, and stopped talking to her for good. She was also a good friend of mine, and I wish things could ofended differently
Yet 2007 wasn't all that bad a year. Eva Yojimbo couldn't talking about and recommending "Neon Genesis Evangelion" to me. I was so lonely, that I almost had Jehovah Witnesses coming over to study the Bible with me, which my mother absolutely refused , and kept them away from our house. I think she told security to keep them from our apartment. I didn't have any ill feelings towards them. They were just trying to reach out, and the conversation helped me out a lot during that time.
"Transformers" debuted during the Summer of 2007, and while it wasn't a good film, it was certainly better then "Spiderman 3", and "Pirates of the Caribbean 3." The Coen Brothers came out with "No Country For Old Men" one of the few films that I'd call an absolute masterpiece: It's a near perfect film. That movie couldn't of come out at a more perfect time, because my heart was crushed by Cassie, I'd had a traumatic separation from my ex-girlfriend, and my good friend Addie. And to make matters worse I still hated the fact that Anthony and Edie were still dating each other, and my other friend Jay now had a girlfriend too. And she was like one of my closest buddies, and we use to share our loneliness with each other, and deal with the fact that we were single, and didn't have anybody. And then when she began to see a girl, I basically just gave up on my life, and figured that I would never be with anybody.
I wasn't going to kill myself, but it was starting to get to that point again. I felt like dying when my grandmother passed away in November of 2004, the day before Thanksgiving day. And I chose to be hospitalized in March of 2005, because I knew that I needed help.
Therefore, in 2007 I was in a state of deep depression and "No Country For Old Men" was perfect for my mood. It was about despair, isolation, and a world with no God. It was nihilistic, violent, depressing, angry, frightening, terrifying: my life meant absolutely nothing. It showed me that my feelings were accurate; that I was right; that life means nothing, and that we're just living in a chaotic world, without meaning.
Sure, there are coincidences, fate, but in the end, life's just an illusion. We're born, we live, we die, and that's it. There's no purpose, no reason, and no life after death.
There's just this terrible life that I got for a short period of time, and then I will just wither away to nothingness. Nobody would remember me, nobody would miss me, nobody would even talk about me. "No Country For Old Men"demonstrated my world to me; a world with no hope, no God, and no salvation for anybody.
At that particular time in my life, spirituality was not real; it was a figment of my imagination, that life meant survival of the fittest survival and that a spiritual life had no place in the scheme of things.. Nobody cared, and I certainly didn't care about myself except to survive. During those times when I had to make myself survive, It was all about me, me and me. And nothing more. The Coen Brothers did a masterful job with "No Country For Old Men", it spoke to me, during a time when I was in great despair.
Then another great nihilistic film debuted, "There Will Be Blood." It's an extraordinary film, with great performances, great aesthetics, brilliant direction, and probably the most unique musical score of the last 10 years. The ending demonstrates shows what the title's meaning. That with the discovery of oil, there will be blood. That when our greedy nature gets the best of us, there will be blood.
Personally, at times, I thought the film was an attack on God. Daniel Plainview was one of the few characters in this movie to challenge God, and survive, but with a major cost to his sanity, and the relationship he had with his son. Yet as I watched the film, I just exalted in his anger towards God and a hypocrite preacher, Eli Sunday.
I hated Eli Sunday. He reminded me of those disgusting priests who were exposed as having abused children, which the Catholic Church then covered up by allowing them to get away with it again at another Parish. Eli was disgusting creature who revealed just how morally corrupt religion can become. .If you hate religion and was as angry at God was much as I was, you might enjoy "There Will Be Blood." It definitely spoke to me.
I was angry with God for not giving me the best father in the world, who gave me a father attacked my faith when I was a l child , and who physically,emotionally and spiritually abused me.
I was angry at God, for not saving those 3,000 lives that were taken during those terrorist attacks on September 11th of 2001. I was angry at God for not saving those poor people who died in New Orleans in August of 2005. I was angry at him, for not giving me a girlfriend, and for not giving me the perfect life that my mother was hoping for in New York City.
My mother and I moved from San Antonio Texas to New York City, because she was scared for her life. My father hit her right arm, she locked herself in the bathroom, called the cops to get him thrown out, and we moved. She also called me and told my to stay at my friend MIchael's house and talked to his mother and told her the circumstances. After the police told him to move, we packed his belongings, and left them outside for him to pick up later.
I had a good friend, Rudy, who's mother helped us during that time. She drove my mother to pick me up from my friend's Michael's
house. My mother was in shock at what my father had done and couldn't drive. My friends wouldn't let me leave their house alone. I wanted to go and fight my father for hitting my mother, but they wouldn't allow me to leave. Michael and his sister kept me from going home to fight my father, get arrested, and go to prison. For a while I didn't know if my mother was alive..
But when I look back at that moment, I realize God wanted to protect me. He used Michael and his sister Chantel to shelter me, and keep out of harms way, because if I had found a way to leave their house, get to my house and confront my father, the situation would have been immensely worse.
That situation gave my mother PTSD, or Post-Tramatic-Stress-Disorder. She began having nightmares about him, she couldn't sleep at night, and once she even screamed for her life and attacked me, when I tried to wake her up to have breakfast.
My father had frightened her, and we had to move to New York City, because she was scared for her life. And she had wanted to be with her family ever since the terrorist attacks happened on September 11th, 2001. While a lot of the people didn't want to be in New York City during that time, my mother needed to come back to New York, to be with her family. I don't know if she felt like her presence would keep the terrorists from doing anything else, or if that anything were to happen, she would be there to either die with our family, or help our family in need. I don't really know, she just had to come to New York City and live there. So we did, and it was not all what she hyped it up to be. It was a long struggle. I was very reclusive, and afraid to go outside sometimes. But I manage to get through it, and become a real New Yorker.
But even with some of that joy, I still couldn't ignore the pain that I was going through. I had some crushes on the girls who were going to the group therapy sessions. And they either had a boyfriend, another boyfriend, or just weren't interested in me at all. I had thoughts of suicide, but realized that wouldn't of been fair to my mother, who would've mourned me, and probably killed herself.. So I continued with my pain, and attempted to be content with it. Sometimes I think I probably enjoyed being depressed, looking at life from my bleak empty existence. Which is why I appreciated the joyful moments, because I knew they wouldn't last.
But during all of these things that were happening during my personal life, Eva Yojimbo kept recommending "Neon Genesis Evangelion." to me. He basically couldn't stop talking about it. I guess God realized that I needed something to bring me out my despair. I had debates with different people online about "2001: A Space Odyssey", even about how many chapters were in the film. I tried to pay attention to the facts that were given to us within the film, and that there were three chapters, not four.
But my friends would argue that there were four, once Bowen starts going through his Stargate sequence, but would still say three chapters and nothing more nothing less.
Because of Yojimbo, when did shop at Best Buy, I always come across theDVD and its cover image "Neon Genesis Evangelion." While I never felt the need to buy it and watch it, the cover was gorgeous. You see, it was the Platinum Edition with a cover of silver paint and a great picture of Rei Ayanami. I was becoming intrigued.
I couldn't get the cover out of my read, nor theDVD reviews on the back of it. On the back cover, there was a review by www.aintitcoolnews.com, that mentioned it considered "Evangelion" to be anime's perfect storm. A phenomenon on par with "The Matrix", "Harry Potter", and "Star Wars." It said that that plenty of works might try to reproduce the story , but that ultimately it would stand alone.
That review really pegged my interest, because I love aintitcoolnews. They're geeks are just like me, and proud of it. They love films, anime, graphic novels, books, and comic-books. Finally after all of Yojimbo's recommendations, I decided to blind-buy "Evangelion. " That was a scary thing to do: I don't have alot of money, so paying 60 bucks for a 26 episode anime title that I didn't really know anything about, was risky and I hadn't seriously watched an anime in a couple years. I had gotten bored with anime. Naruto was uninteresting, I was tired of "Dragon Ball Z", "Death Note" seemed very dull, and "Bleach" just never caught my interest. All the newer animes didn't interest me.
Acutally looking at the cover and plot synopsis of "Evangelion", one would think it was just another story about kids who pilot mechas, but I was pleasantly surprised.
"Evangelion" turned out to be the greatest blind-buy I would ever purchase, a anime with a story that I would never forget or regret.
Very depressing years
My personal walk to find myself started around 2006 and 2007, as I was getting into heated debates, discussions, and arguments with different people on IMDB. I had been a member of IMDB since 2005, always made regular comments there, and had many interesting discussions and arguments.
But 2007 was different; my discussions principally mainly involved "2001: A Space Odyssey", and it was also first time that I had ever heard of an anime called "Neon Genesis Evangelion."
One of the members named Eva Yojimbo, just constantly kept recommending to watch the anime "Neon Genesis Evangelion." I couldn't understand why he was so obsessed over it, or how he could compare a cartoon to great cinema like "2001: A Space Odyssey", "Blade Runner", "Seven Samurai", "Mulholland Drive", or "Vertigo." And not only did he rank them next to those films, he put it above them! I was shocked, and became curious with this obsessive love he had towards "Evangelion."
While I was through all these different discussions and debates in 2007, my life was in a constant state of depression. I kept feeling like I was going down a black hole, and couldn't find a way out. All four walls were crushing me and I didn't know what to do. My heart was filled with sorrow, and despair. I hated the fact that I couldn't get a girlfriend, and that I was a recluse. I would avoid the pain, by playing video games all day, or just expressing my anger towards my family and what few friends I had during that time. My depression didn't get any better, as my geek world seemed to be falling apart around me. Comic-books felt empty, shallow, and repetitive to me. I subjected myself to awful comic-book adaptations like "Ghost Rider", and "Spiderman 3." And even video games didn't seem to fill that emptiness within my heart.
So my geek life was in hades during that time. I had to endure the bloated and mindless "X-Men 3" one of the worst experiences of my life. I was disappointed in "Superman Returns" for having a boring story, and no action at all. It was basically a CGI version of Richard Donner's original movie, without a good story, more plot-holes, and a nonexistent interesting love story.
Then the very next year came the dreadful "Ghost Rider" flick, with Nicholas Cage. It made excellent money at the box office, but I felt as if I had completely wasted my time and money on one of the most empty experiences of my life. And then came "Spiderman 3", one of the biggest cinematic disappointments in recent memory.
It just felt like everything was crashing around me. My personal life was uninteresting, my geek life with comic-books wasn't that exciting, and superhero films were getting worse. In fact, the only great comic-book adaptations that I saw during that time, came out in 2005. And those films were "Batman Begins" and "Sin City."
Yet that year also had these dreadful flicks, "Elektra" and "Fantastic Four."
2005 wasn't a great year for comic book fans like me, yearning for just ONE great year at the cinemas for superhero films, and comic-book adaptations. No, 2005 was not the year, when my walk toward spiritualism really got started; it definitely began in late 2006, and the summer of 2007.
That summer was an intense time and anxious time in my life. I was 20 years old, and I had a crush on a girl named Addie, but we couldn't stop arguing. We almost began to fight each other at Barnes N Noble at Union Square, which is one of the biggest, and most beautiful Barnes N Nobles that I have ever seen.
Yes, we caused a scene that day in late June of 2007, and we haven't talked much since then. We reconciled for a bit, but she became very busy with her political campaign work and that took up most of her time.
She was so such a cute girl, with an incredible body and a spirited personality. She was always open about her sex life, political views, and many other things. I loved her so much, but I had to argue with her. I had to constantly debate her, and I had to win those debates. I wanted her to bow down, and acknowledge my intelligence and masculinity as a man. But that never happened.
I remember we got into a huge argument about George W. Bush. I claimed that he was a do nothing President. She became angry, and called my argument one of the most idiotic, and asinine things that she had ever heard spoken by anyone. Well, technically, she was right. George W. Bush was never a do nothing President. He fought a war in Afghanistan post 9/11/2001, he started an unnecessary war in Iraq, and cut taxes for the rich.
Yet I loved it when Addie got mad, because it turned me on. Seeing her get angry, her face turning red gave me immense satisfaction, and made me want her even more. Therefore, I didn't try to correct my statements and tell here that I did think Bush had performed and promoted legislation to assist people who were poor or in need of help."
That would of been the right thing to say, since it had merit. Emphasizing that Bush didn't do anything, was completely false on my part. He did do many things for all American citizens albeit more for the rich...his base...but he accomplished much in his administration, and that's an absolute fact!
Our argument happened late 2006. It must of been in December, because two of my best friends Anthony and Edie became a couple around November, and were just getting closer to each other , and couldn't stop making out in public. I envied Anthony for having her, because I had a crush on her too. I envied Anthony, for being better looking then me. But then I started envying his relationship with Edie, and the connection they had, the love and compassion. It was all there, and I really needed that in my life. This was basically three years before God would find that special person who would fill that void in my life, and bring me back to him. So in 2006, I was an emotional wreck. Two of the girls that I wanted the most were with somebody else. One of them probably felt like I was an annoying little brat(Addie), while the other just liked me as a friend(Edie). And I felt like my life just SUCKED!
Still, 2006 wasn't an entirely bad year. I got to see some great films like "Babel" and "Pan's Labyrinth." "Pan's Labyrinth" one an incredible experience, and one of the most violent fantasy films ever written. And basically most fantasy tales are pretty violent, even the ones that are dumbed down by Disney movies. Therefore, "Pan's Labyrinth" hit the mark when it got made.
Guillermo Del Toro did an excellent job and I gained genuine faith in him as a filmmaker. Because while his other film "Blade 2" was an awesome spectacle, it had no substance, and it was basically emotionless screen drivel so I didn't really care about the journey.
I rooted more for the villain in that movie, than I rooted for "Blade." And I was a huge "Blade" fanboy during that time. I loved the comics, and read alot of them, and the original film was one of the greatest marvel adaptations to this day. Probably even better then "Spiderman 2" in some cases.
"The Descent" was a fantastic horror flick, that actually scared the crap out of me. One of the great modern horror films, in an era where torture porn still seems popular among so-called horror fans. I'm sorry, but "Saw" and "Hostel" are not horror films. They're snuff flicks, dressed up as horror films.
My personal favorite films that year were "Inland Empire", "Brick", and "Half Nelson." I saw "Brick" like 5 or 6 times in the theater. I would go to the Anjelika Theater, and it was always an incredible experience. It's one of the most absorbing, original, and perfectly acted film-noirs ever made. And it showed Joseph Gordon Levitt's incredible strength as an actor, and fascinating charisma. I saw "Inland Empire" around the fall of 2007. It was a blind-buy, but that didn't matter, because I was already well educated on David Lynch during that time and knew that I was going to love. And as far as I'm concerned, it's still the best film of 2006, and you can't really find a film to compare it too. It's just a three hour dream sequence.
The best performance of 2006 was "Half Nelson" starring Ryan Gosling, who showed an astounding range of emotions in every scene.
Forrest Whittaker's performance in "The Last King Of Scotland", was phenominal but the Oscar should of gone to Ryan Gosling, for giving one of the most convincing performances of a drug addict that I have ever seen. I also felt that Clint Eastwood deserved the Oscar that year for best director instead of Martin Scorsese, but I was happy Scorsese won, because of all the great work that he's done in his career so far. I'm sure he still has a more great films left in him.
There were other good or films that year. "Letters From Iwo Jima", "Children of Men", "The Prestige", "The Departed", "Volver", "Little Miss Sunshine", "The Queen", "The Pursuit of Happiness", "Little Children", "Notes on a Scandal", "United 93", "The Last King of Scotland", and many others. There were powerful documentaries like "When the Levees Broke", and "Jesus Camp." So overall, 2006 was a really good year for cinema. Much better then 2005 in my opinion, but none of this is really important. I'm just giving you a window into my love for cinema. This is barely the tip of the Ice Burg. But my main focus is on how God put together so many crazy things in line, in order for me to get back to him. And not just my geek life, but in my personal life as well.
By the end of 2006, I didn't feel like I had a purpose, I was obsessed with movies, obsessed with girls, and obsessed with Bragelina! When I would I see my therapist, I wouldn't really talk about myself, because I never felt like there was anything of interest to talk about. I was thinking about girls, masturbating alot, watching porn, playing video games, watching movies, thinking about whatever Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were doing. And that was it. I didn't feel like talking about the fact that I was yelling and arguing with my mother most of the time. I didn't want to talk about my depression, sadness, or my anger towards God. I didn't want to talk about the fact that I wanted to be with Addie, Eddie, or whatever girl that went past me.
I was pissed that Addie wasn't my girlfriend. She was beautiful, articulate, quirky, had a great body, and was very opinionated. And we were so opinionated, that it basically ruined whatever friendship that we could of had. I also use to feel bullied by her as well. She use to pick on me for being a virgin, and just poked fun at me for any reason. But when I finally lost my tempter and told her to "eff off", our friendship just ended. We didn't fight, or have a huge yelling match. But that episode was enough for us to realize that we couldn't be around each other anymore. Our falling out happened around June of 2007. Which made me sad, because she was a good friend of mine
The last time I talked to her was during April or March of 2008. We bumped into each other and caught up with some of the things we were doing. I told her that I was making new friends on meetup.com, and she told me that she was busy with campaigning for the upcoming election. She wanted Hillary to win, and I wanted Obama to win. For all I know, we could have been married in another lifetime, with the amount of differences that we had, because let's face it, opposites attract, but she definitely wasn't attracted to me, since she still had a boyfriend.
We discussed who was the better candidate, Barack Obama or Hilary Clinton. She basically admired Hilary because she's an accomplished woman candidate. And Addie is the perfect feminist, open with her sexuality, her political views, and her opinions. That she was a Hilary supporter did not surprise me. She knew who I was voting for, she knew my stance on racism in politics, and she knew that I felt that America was one of the most racist state in the world. I told her that I was voting for Obama, and that my entire reason for voting for him was because he is an African-American.
I didn't care about his political views, even though I agreed with a lot of them, I didn't care about his life story, his nice family, or the fact that he grew up as a mix of different races and cultures in his blood, just like me. I'm part West Indian, Danish, Native American, and Jewish. So while I loved his political views, and could relate to how he grew up, I didn't care about that:. I wanted to see a Black man as President. I wanted to grow up in a world where I could say, "My President is black and be proud of it!"
I told her that I couldn't vote for Hilary, because I just couldn't vote for another Presidential candidate who wasn't cognizant of simple state politics. Hilary has been in politics as long as her husband, Bill Clinton, yet she didn't know that Texas had both a State primary, and a State Caucas? How could she not know that? Obama had only been actively working national politics since 2002, which means 2008 was his sixth year in politics, but he knew enough about Texas politics, to beat Hilary Clinton. If I'm gonna vote for a candidate, they have to be an articulate an educated leader. Obama possessed all of the requisite traits that I considered necessary for President, Hilary did not.
Addie didn't know that Hilary could be that incompetent, nor did she know that Hilary had admitted her incompetence by mentioning that she didn't know Texas had both a primary and a State Caucus. Addie and I didn't have time to argue about that situation, because she was busy with with her campaign field work , but I felt like I'd finally won a discussion with her. I said to myself, "I won!"
I had great times with my old friends, some whom remain my friends still. We spent many joyful moments together, especially going to the movies. I would usually buy the tickets for all of us, gratis. Our superficial friendships began to develop in a deep personal and emotional level, because of the different issues and personal problems we had in common. So after many weeks of getting to know one another, we began to hang out more, watch movies, and have more fun. I went to a house party once, which was held by my old friend Addie at her home for all of us.. We'd usually butt-heads a lot, and we never got along, but I learned from her, and I'm eternally grateful that she was my friend. And that goes for my other close friends, Antony, Janet, and Theo, who gave me great advice, and cared about my well being.
But by April of 2007, I wasn't really thinking about Addie anymore. Granted, I was distracted with the awfulness of "Ghost Rider", the new homo erotic action flick called "300", and trying to actually hang out with Anthony and Edie without feeling like choking myself since I had a huge crush on Edie.
Soon my attention turned towards another girl, a Puerto Rican spit fire! By the early summer of 2007, I was falling in love with a gorgeous Puerto Rican girl named Cassie, who had no interest in me at all. But I loved her. I loved her alot! Actually, it wasn't love, it was lust! I lusted after her, and I think she knew it. Women know when men are looking at them and lusting after them, they have a sixth sense about that sort of thing.
At that time, she might have been the most beautiful person who had ever spoken to me,. She had incredible multicolored eyes, and amazing curves. She had one of the best bodies I had ever seen. She said that she exercised a lot, and took kick-boxing classes. I was like, "Kick me, kick me!" I just couldn't stop looking at her. She was my dream girl, she was a Latina, and she was hot! I obsessed over her, I wanted her, I couldn't stop thinking about her, and I was in lust with her all the time; one of the seven deadly sins.
She had this dangerous beauty about her that only the best poet would dare write about. She was beautiful with a dangerous edge with excited me all the more. She looked as if she would give you a sweet hug and kiss, and then tear you to pieces the next moment. I loved that! I wanted her to punch me, hurt me, or bite me. And she did bit my finger once, because I was annoying her, and it was painful, but I really liked it. It was a fond memory to remember her by. But sadly, she just wasn't that into me.
We flirted at times, but that's all it was. In the end, I wasn't her type, and my heart was broken. My crush on her started around April of 07, and it didn't stop until early 2008. But she broke my heart in October of 2007, and I was deeply depressed. I've basically obsessed over women most of my life. I wanted a girlfriend, I wanted to move in with a woman, I wanted to get married, and maybe have kids. Personally, I wanted women to worship me, and follow every word that I spoke, and every move that I made. I wanted to be Robert Pattison, Brad Pitt, and Johnny Depp all mixed into one. But it wasn't happening, and I was stuck with my pathetic little life.
To make things worse, I had an argument an ex-girlfriend of mine, Nikki. We dated in San Antonio she was and really cute. She had nice eyes, and was very curvy. She was bi-racial Black and Mexican.
She had many personal problems. In 2002 she wanted to commit suicide, but with the help of others, I managed to keep her from killing herself. We began to date in 2003, but we had many breakups.
We did have one great date when we went to see a terrible movie, "You Got Served." It absolutely sucked. Because it was so awful, it became the perfect time for us to make out. I loved kissing her; she had so much passion and pain behind her kisses. I could almost feel the yearning, and anguish within her soul every time we kissed, and that made my buying the two tickets worthwhile. If anyone else suffered through that flick, I want to apologize for reminding you of it's existence.
Anyway, since my mother and I were moving to New York City, we broke up, . I wasn't going suffer long distance relationship drama, wondering what your girl is doing, while in another state, trying to meet and date other girls in New York. I wasn't going play her like that, or lie to her. So after awhile, we separated but remained friends.
Later in the year, during the summer of 2007, she called me and wanted to visit me. She asked me if I had any girlfriends or if was interested in somebody. I didn't tell her the number of women that I was interested in, but I did tell her that though I had crushes on a few girls, I could put them aside for her. I was lonely, and willing to have my ex-girlfriend come up to New York for a while so that I might finally lose my virginity, and have sex. Then we would go our separate ways, and I'd try to meet other women, with a bit more confidence, knowing that I was finally a man, and that I had finally slept with a woman. Well that didn't happen.
After Cassie broke my heart, then Niki told me that she had found a new guy, and that they were getting close, because he became close to her mother. He went from being a friend and a shoulder for her to cry on, to boyfriend. I was angry, and told her so on Myspace.I did some name calling, and said some things that I shouldn't have.
I think her older brother threatened to kill me, as did her boyfriend. They were Latin Kings, and could of actually killed me, but I didn't care. I was too depressed to live, so I just kept cursing all three of them out until I finally got bored, removed her from my friends list on Myspace, and stopped talking to her for good. She was also a good friend of mine, and I wish things could ofended differently
Yet 2007 wasn't all that bad a year. Eva Yojimbo couldn't talking about and recommending "Neon Genesis Evangelion" to me. I was so lonely, that I almost had Jehovah Witnesses coming over to study the Bible with me, which my mother absolutely refused , and kept them away from our house. I think she told security to keep them from our apartment. I didn't have any ill feelings towards them. They were just trying to reach out, and the conversation helped me out a lot during that time.
"Transformers" debuted during the Summer of 2007, and while it wasn't a good film, it was certainly better then "Spiderman 3", and "Pirates of the Caribbean 3." The Coen Brothers came out with "No Country For Old Men" one of the few films that I'd call an absolute masterpiece: It's a near perfect film. That movie couldn't of come out at a more perfect time, because my heart was crushed by Cassie, I'd had a traumatic separation from my ex-girlfriend, and my good friend Addie. And to make matters worse I still hated the fact that Anthony and Edie were still dating each other, and my other friend Jay now had a girlfriend too. And she was like one of my closest buddies, and we use to share our loneliness with each other, and deal with the fact that we were single, and didn't have anybody. And then when she began to see a girl, I basically just gave up on my life, and figured that I would never be with anybody.
I wasn't going to kill myself, but it was starting to get to that point again. I felt like dying when my grandmother passed away in November of 2004, the day before Thanksgiving day. And I chose to be hospitalized in March of 2005, because I knew that I needed help.
Therefore, in 2007 I was in a state of deep depression and "No Country For Old Men" was perfect for my mood. It was about despair, isolation, and a world with no God. It was nihilistic, violent, depressing, angry, frightening, terrifying: my life meant absolutely nothing. It showed me that my feelings were accurate; that I was right; that life means nothing, and that we're just living in a chaotic world, without meaning.
Sure, there are coincidences, fate, but in the end, life's just an illusion. We're born, we live, we die, and that's it. There's no purpose, no reason, and no life after death.
There's just this terrible life that I got for a short period of time, and then I will just wither away to nothingness. Nobody would remember me, nobody would miss me, nobody would even talk about me. "No Country For Old Men"demonstrated my world to me; a world with no hope, no God, and no salvation for anybody.
At that particular time in my life, spirituality was not real; it was a figment of my imagination, that life meant survival of the fittest survival and that a spiritual life had no place in the scheme of things.. Nobody cared, and I certainly didn't care about myself except to survive. During those times when I had to make myself survive, It was all about me, me and me. And nothing more. The Coen Brothers did a masterful job with "No Country For Old Men", it spoke to me, during a time when I was in great despair.
Then another great nihilistic film debuted, "There Will Be Blood." It's an extraordinary film, with great performances, great aesthetics, brilliant direction, and probably the most unique musical score of the last 10 years. The ending demonstrates shows what the title's meaning. That with the discovery of oil, there will be blood. That when our greedy nature gets the best of us, there will be blood.
Personally, at times, I thought the film was an attack on God. Daniel Plainview was one of the few characters in this movie to challenge God, and survive, but with a major cost to his sanity, and the relationship he had with his son. Yet as I watched the film, I just exalted in his anger towards God and a hypocrite preacher, Eli Sunday.
I hated Eli Sunday. He reminded me of those disgusting priests who were exposed as having abused children, which the Catholic Church then covered up by allowing them to get away with it again at another Parish. Eli was disgusting creature who revealed just how morally corrupt religion can become. .If you hate religion and was as angry at God was much as I was, you might enjoy "There Will Be Blood." It definitely spoke to me.
I was angry with God for not giving me the best father in the world, who gave me a father attacked my faith when I was a l child , and who physically,emotionally and spiritually abused me.
I was angry at God, for not saving those 3,000 lives that were taken during those terrorist attacks on September 11th of 2001. I was angry at God for not saving those poor people who died in New Orleans in August of 2005. I was angry at him, for not giving me a girlfriend, and for not giving me the perfect life that my mother was hoping for in New York City.
My mother and I moved from San Antonio Texas to New York City, because she was scared for her life. My father hit her right arm, she locked herself in the bathroom, called the cops to get him thrown out, and we moved. She also called me and told my to stay at my friend MIchael's house and talked to his mother and told her the circumstances. After the police told him to move, we packed his belongings, and left them outside for him to pick up later.
I had a good friend, Rudy, who's mother helped us during that time. She drove my mother to pick me up from my friend's Michael's
house. My mother was in shock at what my father had done and couldn't drive. My friends wouldn't let me leave their house alone. I wanted to go and fight my father for hitting my mother, but they wouldn't allow me to leave. Michael and his sister kept me from going home to fight my father, get arrested, and go to prison. For a while I didn't know if my mother was alive..
But when I look back at that moment, I realize God wanted to protect me. He used Michael and his sister Chantel to shelter me, and keep out of harms way, because if I had found a way to leave their house, get to my house and confront my father, the situation would have been immensely worse.
That situation gave my mother PTSD, or Post-Tramatic-Stress-Disorder. She began having nightmares about him, she couldn't sleep at night, and once she even screamed for her life and attacked me, when I tried to wake her up to have breakfast.
My father had frightened her, and we had to move to New York City, because she was scared for her life. And she had wanted to be with her family ever since the terrorist attacks happened on September 11th, 2001. While a lot of the people didn't want to be in New York City during that time, my mother needed to come back to New York, to be with her family. I don't know if she felt like her presence would keep the terrorists from doing anything else, or if that anything were to happen, she would be there to either die with our family, or help our family in need. I don't really know, she just had to come to New York City and live there. So we did, and it was not all what she hyped it up to be. It was a long struggle. I was very reclusive, and afraid to go outside sometimes. But I manage to get through it, and become a real New Yorker.
But even with some of that joy, I still couldn't ignore the pain that I was going through. I had some crushes on the girls who were going to the group therapy sessions. And they either had a boyfriend, another boyfriend, or just weren't interested in me at all. I had thoughts of suicide, but realized that wouldn't of been fair to my mother, who would've mourned me, and probably killed herself.. So I continued with my pain, and attempted to be content with it. Sometimes I think I probably enjoyed being depressed, looking at life from my bleak empty existence. Which is why I appreciated the joyful moments, because I knew they wouldn't last.
But during all of these things that were happening during my personal life, Eva Yojimbo kept recommending "Neon Genesis Evangelion." to me. He basically couldn't stop talking about it. I guess God realized that I needed something to bring me out my despair. I had debates with different people online about "2001: A Space Odyssey", even about how many chapters were in the film. I tried to pay attention to the facts that were given to us within the film, and that there were three chapters, not four.
But my friends would argue that there were four, once Bowen starts going through his Stargate sequence, but would still say three chapters and nothing more nothing less.
Because of Yojimbo, when did shop at Best Buy, I always come across theDVD and its cover image "Neon Genesis Evangelion." While I never felt the need to buy it and watch it, the cover was gorgeous. You see, it was the Platinum Edition with a cover of silver paint and a great picture of Rei Ayanami. I was becoming intrigued.
I couldn't get the cover out of my read, nor theDVD reviews on the back of it. On the back cover, there was a review by www.aintitcoolnews.com, that mentioned it considered "Evangelion" to be anime's perfect storm. A phenomenon on par with "The Matrix", "Harry Potter", and "Star Wars." It said that that plenty of works might try to reproduce the story , but that ultimately it would stand alone.
That review really pegged my interest, because I love aintitcoolnews. They're geeks are just like me, and proud of it. They love films, anime, graphic novels, books, and comic-books. Finally after all of Yojimbo's recommendations, I decided to blind-buy "Evangelion. " That was a scary thing to do: I don't have alot of money, so paying 60 bucks for a 26 episode anime title that I didn't really know anything about, was risky and I hadn't seriously watched an anime in a couple years. I had gotten bored with anime. Naruto was uninteresting, I was tired of "Dragon Ball Z", "Death Note" seemed very dull, and "Bleach" just never caught my interest. All the newer animes didn't interest me.
Acutally looking at the cover and plot synopsis of "Evangelion", one would think it was just another story about kids who pilot mechas, but I was pleasantly surprised.
"Evangelion" turned out to be the greatest blind-buy I would ever purchase, a anime with a story that I would never forget or regret.
My Walk with God and Evangelion: Chapter 1
2006,2007
Very depressing years
My personal walk to find myself started around 2006 and 2007, as I was getting into heated debates, discussions, and arguments with different people on IMDB. I had been a member of IMDB since 2005, always made regular comments there, and had many interesting discussions and arguments.
But 2007 was different; my discussions principally mainly involved "2001: A Space Odyssey", and it was also first time that I had ever heard of an anime called "Neon Genesis Evangelion."
One of the members named Eva Yojimbo, just constantly kept recommending to watch the anime "Neon Genesis Evangelion." I couldn't understand why he was so obsessed over it, or how he could compare a cartoon to great cinema like "2001: A Space Odyssey", "Blade Runner", "Seven Samurai", "Mulholland Drive", or "Vertigo." And not only did he rank them next to those films, he put it above them! I was shocked, and became curious with this obsessive love he had towards "Evangelion."
While I was through all these different discussions and debates in 2007, my life was in a constant state of depression. I kept feeling like I was going down a black hole, and couldn't find a way out. All four walls were crushing me and I didn't know what to do. My heart was filled with sorrow, and despair. I hated the fact that I couldn't get a girlfriend, and that I was a recluse. I would avoid the pain, by playing video games all day, or just expressing my anger towards my family and what few friends I had during that time. My depression didn't get any better, as my geek world seemed to be falling apart around me. Comic-books felt empty, shallow, and repetitive to me. I subjected myself to awful comic-book adaptations like "Ghost Rider", and "Spiderman 3." And even video games didn't seem to fill that emptiness within my heart.
So my geek life was in hades during that time. I had to endure the bloated and mindless "X-Men 3" one of the worst experiences of my life. I was disappointed in "Superman Returns" for having a boring story, and no action at all. It was basically a CGI version of Richard Donner's original movie, without a good story, more plot-holes, and a nonexistent interesting love story.
Then the very next year came the dreadful "Ghost Rider" flick, with Nicholas Cage. It made excellent money at the box office, but I felt as if I had completely wasted my time and money on one of the most empty experiences of my life. And then came "Spiderman 3", one of the biggest cinematic disappointments in recent memory.
It just felt like everything was crashing around me. My personal life was uninteresting, my geek life with comic-books wasn't that exciting, and superhero films were getting worse. In fact, the only great comic-book adaptations that I saw during that time, came out in 2005. And those films were "Batman Begins" and "Sin City."
Yet that year also had these dreadful flicks, "Elektra" and "Fantastic Four."
2005 wasn't a great year for comic book fans like me, yearning for just ONE great year at the cinemas for superhero films, and comic-book adaptations. No, 2005 was not the year, when my walk toward spiritualism really got started; it definitely began in late 2006, and the summer of 2007.
That summer was an intense time and anxious time in my life. I was 20 years old, and I had a crush on a girl named Addie, but we couldn't stop arguing. We almost began to fight each other at Barnes N Noble at Union Square, which is one of the biggest, and most beautiful Barnes N Nobles that I have ever seen.
Yes, we caused a scene that day in late June of 2007, and we haven't talked much since then. We reconciled for a bit, but she became very busy with her political campaign work and that took up most of her time.
She was so such a cute girl, with an incredible body and a spirited personality. She was always open about her sex life, political views, and many other things. I loved her so much, but I had to argue with her. I had to constantly debate her, and I had to win those debates. I wanted her to bow down, and acknowledge my intelligence and masculinity as a man. But that never happened.
I remember we got into a huge argument about George W. Bush. I claimed that he was a do nothing President. She became angry, and called my argument one of the most idiotic, and asinine things that she had ever heard spoken by anyone. Well, technically, she was right. George W. Bush was never a do nothing President. He fought a war in Afghanistan post 9/11/2001, he started an unnecessary war in Iraq, and cut taxes for the rich.
Yet I loved it when Addie got mad, because it turned me on. Seeing her get angry, her face turning red gave me immense satisfaction, and made me want her even more. Therefore, I didn't try to correct my statements and tell here that I did think Bush had performed and promoted legislation to assist people who were poor or in need of help."
That would of been the right thing to say, since it had merit. Emphasizing that Bush didn't do anything, was completely false on my part. He did do many things for all American citizens albeit more for the rich...his base...but he accomplished much in his administration, and that's an absolute fact!
Our argument happened late 2006. It must of been in December, because two of my best friends Anthony and Edie became a couple around November, and were just getting closer to each other , and couldn't stop making out in public. I envied Anthony for having her, because I had a crush on her too. I envied Anthony, for being better looking then me. But then I started envying his relationship with Edie, and the connection they had, the love and compassion. It was all there, and I really needed that in my life. This was basically three years before God would find that special person who would fill that void in my life, and bring me back to him. So in 2006, I was an emotional wreck. Two of the girls that I wanted the most were with somebody else. One of them probably felt like I was an annoying little brat(Addie), while the other just liked me as a friend(Edie). And I felt like my life just SUCKED!
Still, 2006 wasn't an entirely bad year. I got to see some great films like "Babel" and "Pan's Labyrinth." "Pan's Labyrinth" one an incredible experience, and one of the most violent fantasy films ever written. And basically most fantasy tales are pretty violent, even the ones that are dumbed down by Disney movies. Therefore, "Pan's Labyrinth" hit the mark when it got made.
Guillermo Del Toro did an excellent job and I gained genuine faith in him as a filmmaker. Because while his other film "Blade 2" was an awesome spectacle, it had no substance, and it was basically emotionless screen drivel so I didn't really care about the journey.
I rooted more for the villain in that movie, than I rooted for "Blade." And I was a huge "Blade" fanboy during that time. I loved the comics, and read alot of them, and the original film was one of the greatest marvel adaptations to this day. Probably even better then "Spiderman 2" in some cases.
"The Descent" was a fantastic horror flick, that actually scared the crap out of me. One of the great modern horror films, in an era where torture porn still seems popular among so-called horror fans. I'm sorry, but "Saw" and "Hostel" are not horror films. They're snuff flicks, dressed up as horror films.
My personal favorite films that year were "Inland Empire", "Brick", and "Half Nelson." I saw "Brick" like 5 or 6 times in the theater. I would go to the Anjelika Theater, and it was always an incredible experience. It's one of the most absorbing, original, and perfectly acted film-noirs ever made. And it showed Joseph Gordon Levitt's incredible strength as an actor, and fascinating charisma. I saw "Inland Empire" around the fall of 2007. It was a blind-buy, but that didn't matter, because I was already well educated on David Lynch during that time and knew that I was going to love. And as far as I'm concerned, it's still the best film of 2006, and you can't really find a film to compare it too. It's just a three hour dream sequence.
The best performance of 2006 was "Half Nelson" starring Ryan Gosling, who showed an astounding range of emotions in every scene.
Forrest Whittaker's performance in "The Last King Of Scotland", was phenominal but the Oscar should of gone to Ryan Gosling, for giving one of the most convincing performances of a drug addict that I have ever seen. I also felt that Clint Eastwood deserved the Oscar that year for best director instead of Martin Scorsese, but I was happy Scorsese won, because of all the great work that he's done in his career so far. I'm sure he still has a more great films left in him.
There were other good or films that year. "Letters From Iwo Jima", "Children of Men", "The Prestige", "The Departed", "Volver", "Little Miss Sunshine", "The Queen", "The Pursuit of Happiness", "Little Children", "Notes on a Scandal", "United 93", "The Last King of Scotland", and many others. There were powerful documentaries like "When the Levees Broke", and "Jesus Camp." So overall, 2006 was a really good year for cinema. Much better then 2005 in my opinion, but none of this is really important. I'm just giving you a window into my love for cinema. This is barely the tip of the Ice Burg. But my main focus is on how God put together so many crazy things in line, in order for me to get back to him. And not just my geek life, but in my personal life as well.
By the end of 2006, I didn't feel like I had a purpose, I was obsessed with movies, obsessed with girls, and obsessed with Bragelina! When I would I see my therapist, I wouldn't really talk about myself, because I never felt like there was anything of interest to talk about. I was thinking about girls, masturbating alot, watching porn, playing video games, watching movies, thinking about whatever Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were doing. And that was it. I didn't feel like talking about the fact that I was yelling and arguing with my mother most of the time. I didn't want to talk about my depression, sadness, or my anger towards God. I didn't want to talk about the fact that I wanted to be with Addie, Eddie, or whatever girl that went past me.
I was pissed that Addie wasn't my girlfriend. She was beautiful, articulate, quirky, had a great body, and was very opinionated. And we were so opinionated, that it basically ruined whatever friendship that we could of had. I also use to feel bullied by her as well. She use to pick on me for being a virgin, and just poked fun at me for any reason. But when I finally lost my tempter and told her to "eff off", our friendship just ended. We didn't fight, or have a huge yelling match. But that episode was enough for us to realize that we couldn't be around each other anymore. Our falling out happened around June of 2007. Which made me sad, because she was a good friend of mine
The last time I talked to her was during April or March of 2008. We bumped into each other and caught up with some of the things we were doing. I told her that I was making new friends on meetup.com, and she told me that she was busy with campaigning for the upcoming election. She wanted Hillary to win, and I wanted Obama to win. For all I know, we could have been married in another lifetime, with the amount of differences that we had, because let's face it, opposites attract, but she definitely wasn't attracted to me, since she still had a boyfriend.
We discussed who was the better candidate, Barack Obama or Hilary Clinton. She basically admired Hilary because she's an accomplished woman candidate. And Addie is the perfect feminist, open with her sexuality, her political views, and her opinions. That she was a Hilary supporter did not surprise me. She knew who I was voting for, she knew my stance on racism in politics, and she knew that I felt that America was one of the most racist state in the world. I told her that I was voting for Obama, and that my entire reason for voting for him was because he is an African-American.
I didn't care about his political views, even though I agreed with a lot of them, I didn't care about his life story, his nice family, or the fact that he grew up as a mix of different races and cultures in his blood, just like me. I'm part West Indian, Danish, Native American, and Jewish. So while I loved his political views, and could relate to how he grew up, I didn't care about that:. I wanted to see a Black man as President. I wanted to grow up in a world where I could say, "My President is black and be proud of it!"
I told her that I couldn't vote for Hilary, because I just couldn't vote for another Presidential candidate who wasn't cognizant of simple state politics. Hilary has been in politics as long as her husband, Bill Clinton, yet she didn't know that Texas had both a State primary, and a State Caucas? How could she not know that? Obama had only been actively working national politics since 2002, which means 2008 was his sixth year in politics, but he knew enough about Texas politics, to beat Hilary Clinton. If I'm gonna vote for a candidate, they have to be an articulate an educated leader. Obama possessed all of the requisite traits that I considered necessary for President, Hilary did not.
Addie didn't know that Hilary could be that incompetent, nor did she know that Hilary had admitted her incompetence by mentioning that she didn't know Texas had both a primary and a State Caucus. Addie and I didn't have time to argue about that situation, because she was busy with with her campaign field work , but I felt like I'd finally won a discussion with her. I said to myself, "I won!"
I had great times with my old friends, some whom remain my friends still. We spent many joyful moments together, especially going to the movies. I would usually buy the tickets for all of us, gratis. Our superficial friendships began to develop in a deep personal and emotional level, because of the different issues and personal problems we had in common. So after many weeks of getting to know one another, we began to hang out more, watch movies, and have more fun. I went to a house party once, which was held by my old friend Addie at her home for all of us.. We'd usually butt-heads a lot, and we never got along, but I learned from her, and I'm eternally grateful that she was my friend. And that goes for my other close friends, Antony, Janet, and Theo, who gave me great advice, and cared about my well being.
But by April of 2007, I wasn't really thinking about Addie anymore. Granted, I was distracted with the awfulness of "Ghost Rider", the new homo erotic action flick called "300", and trying to actually hang out with Anthony and Edie without feeling like choking myself since I had a huge crush on Edie.
Soon my attention turned towards another girl, a Puerto Rican spit fire! By the early summer of 2007, I was falling in love with a gorgeous Puerto Rican girl named Cassie, who had no interest in me at all. But I loved her. I loved her alot! Actually, it wasn't love, it was lust! I lusted after her, and I think she knew it. Women know when men are looking at them and lusting after them, they have a sixth sense about that sort of thing.
At that time, she might have been the most beautiful person who had ever spoken to me,. She had incredible multicolored eyes, and amazing curves. She had one of the best bodies I had ever seen. She said that she exercised a lot, and took kick-boxing classes. I was like, "Kick me, kick me!" I just couldn't stop looking at her. She was my dream girl, she was a Latina, and she was hot! I obsessed over her, I wanted her, I couldn't stop thinking about her, and I was in lust with her all the time; one of the seven deadly sins.
She had this dangerous beauty about her that only the best poet would dare write about. She was beautiful with a dangerous edge with excited me all the more. She looked as if she would give you a sweet hug and kiss, and then tear you to pieces the next moment. I loved that! I wanted her to punch me, hurt me, or bite me. And she did bit my finger once, because I was annoying her, and it was painful, but I really liked it. It was a fond memory to remember her by. But sadly, she just wasn't that into me.
We flirted at times, but that's all it was. In the end, I wasn't her type, and my heart was broken. My crush on her started around April of 07, and it didn't stop until early 2008. But she broke my heart in October of 2007, and I was deeply depressed. I've basically obsessed over women most of my life. I wanted a girlfriend, I wanted to move in with a woman, I wanted to get married, and maybe have kids. Personally, I wanted women to worship me, and follow every word that I spoke, and every move that I made. I wanted to be Robert Pattison, Brad Pitt, and Johnny Depp all mixed into one. But it wasn't happening, and I was stuck with my pathetic little life.
To make things worse, I had an argument an ex-girlfriend of mine, Nikki. We dated in San Antonio she was and really cute. She had nice eyes, and was very curvy. She was bi-racial Black and Mexican.
She had many personal problems. In 2002 she wanted to commit suicide, but with the help of others, I managed to keep her from killing herself. We began to date in 2003, but we had many breakups.
We did have one great date when we went to see a terrible movie, "You Got Served." It absolutely sucked. Because it was so awful, it became the perfect time for us to make out. I loved kissing her; she had so much passion and pain behind her kisses. I could almost feel the yearning, and anguish within her soul every time we kissed, and that made my buying the two tickets worthwhile. If anyone else suffered through that flick, I want to apologize for reminding you of it's existence.
Anyway, since my mother and I were moving to New York City, we broke up, . I wasn't going suffer long distance relationship drama, wondering what your girl is doing, while in another state, trying to meet and date other girls in New York. I wasn't going play her like that, or lie to her. So after awhile, we separated but remained friends.
Later in the year, during the summer of 2007, she called me and wanted to visit me. She asked me if I had any girlfriends or if was interested in somebody. I didn't tell her the number of women that I was interested in, but I did tell her that though I had crushes on a few girls, I could put them aside for her. I was lonely, and willing to have my ex-girlfriend come up to New York for a while so that I might finally lose my virginity, and have sex. Then we would go our separate ways, and I'd try to meet other women, with a bit more confidence, knowing that I was finally a man, and that I had finally slept with a woman. Well that didn't happen.
After Cassie broke my heart, then Niki told me that she had found a new guy, and that they were getting close, because he became close to her mother. He went from being a friend and a shoulder for her to cry on, to boyfriend. I was angry, and told her so on Myspace.I did some name calling, and said some things that I shouldn't have.
I think her older brother threatened to kill me, as did her boyfriend. They were Latin Kings, and could of actually killed me, but I didn't care. I was too depressed to live, so I just kept cursing all three of them out until I finally got bored, removed her from my friends list on Myspace, and stopped talking to her for good. She was also a good friend of mine, and I wish things could ofended differently
Yet 2007 wasn't all that bad a year. Eva Yojimbo couldn't talking about and recommending "Neon Genesis Evangelion" to me. I was so lonely, that I almost had Jehovah Witnesses coming over to study the Bible with me, which my mother absolutely refused , and kept them away from our house. I think she told security to keep them from our apartment. I didn't have any ill feelings towards them. They were just trying to reach out, and the conversation helped me out a lot during that time.
"Transformers" debuted during the Summer of 2007, and while it wasn't a good film, it was certainly better then "Spiderman 3", and "Pirates of the Caribbean 3." The Coen Brothers came out with "No Country For Old Men" one of the few films that I'd call an absolute masterpiece: It's a near perfect film. That movie couldn't of come out at a more perfect time, because my heart was crushed by Cassie, I'd had a traumatic separation from my ex-girlfriend, and my good friend Addie. And to make matters worse I still hated the fact that Anthony and Edie were still dating each other, and my other friend Jay now had a girlfriend too. And she was like one of my closest buddies, and we use to share our loneliness with each other, and deal with the fact that we were single, and didn't have anybody. And then when she began to see a girl, I basically just gave up on my life, and figured that I would never be with anybody.
I wasn't going to kill myself, but it was starting to get to that point again. I felt like dying when my grandmother passed away in November of 2004, the day before Thanksgiving day. And I chose to be hospitalized in March of 2005, because I knew that I needed help.
Therefore, in 2007 I was in a state of deep depression and "No Country For Old Men" was perfect for my mood. It was about despair, isolation, and a world with no God. It was nihilistic, violent, depressing, angry, frightening, terrifying: my life meant absolutely nothing. It showed me that my feelings were accurate; that I was right; that life means nothing, and that we're just living in a chaotic world, without meaning.
Sure, there are coincidences, fate, but in the end, life's just an illusion. We're born, we live, we die, and that's it. There's no purpose, no reason, and no life after death.
There's just this terrible life that I got for a short period of time, and then I will just wither away to nothingness. Nobody would remember me, nobody would miss me, nobody would even talk about me. "No Country For Old Men"demonstrated my world to me; a world with no hope, no God, and no salvation for anybody.
At that particular time in my life, spirituality was not real; it was a figment of my imagination, that life meant survival of the fittest survival and that a spiritual life had no place in the scheme of things.. Nobody cared, and I certainly didn't care about myself except to survive. During those times when I had to make myself survive, It was all about me, me and me. And nothing more. The Coen Brothers did a masterful job with "No Country For Old Men", it spoke to me, during a time when I was in great despair.
Then another great nihilistic film debuted, "There Will Be Blood." It's an extraordinary film, with great performances, great aesthetics, brilliant direction, and probably the most unique musical score of the last 10 years. The ending demonstrates shows what the title's meaning. That with the discovery of oil, there will be blood. That when our greedy nature gets the best of us, there will be blood.
Personally, at times, I thought the film was an attack on God. Daniel Plainview was one of the few characters in this movie to challenge God, and survive, but with a major cost to his sanity, and the relationship he had with his son. Yet as I watched the film, I just exalted in his anger towards God and a hypocrite preacher, Eli Sunday.
I hated Eli Sunday. He reminded me of those disgusting priests who were exposed as having abused children, which the Catholic Church then covered up by allowing them to get away with it again at another Parish. Eli was disgusting creature who revealed just how morally corrupt religion can become. .If you hate religion and was as angry at God was much as I was, you might enjoy "There Will Be Blood." It definitely spoke to me.
I was angry with God for not giving me the best father in the world, who gave me a father attacked my faith when I was a l child , and who physically,emotionally and spiritually abused me.
I was angry at God, for not saving those 3,000 lives that were taken during those terrorist attacks on September 11th of 2001. I was angry at God for not saving those poor people who died in New Orleans in August of 2005. I was angry at him, for not giving me a girlfriend, and for not giving me the perfect life that my mother was hoping for in New York City.
My mother and I moved from San Antonio Texas to New York City, because she was scared for her life. My father hit her right arm, she locked herself in the bathroom, called the cops to get him thrown out, and we moved. She also called me and told my to stay at my friend MIchael's house and talked to his mother and told her the circumstances. After the police told him to move, we packed his belongings, and left them outside for him to pick up later.
I had a good friend, Rudy, who's mother helped us during that time. She drove my mother to pick me up from my friend's Michael's
house. My mother was in shock at what my father had done and couldn't drive. My friends wouldn't let me leave their house alone. I wanted to go and fight my father for hitting my mother, but they wouldn't allow me to leave. Michael and his sister kept me from going home to fight my father, get arrested, and go to prison. For a while I didn't know if my mother was alive..
But when I look back at that moment, I realize God wanted to protect me. He used Michael and his sister Chantel to shelter me, and keep out of harms way, because if I had found a way to leave their house, get to my house and confront my father, the situation would have been immensely worse.
That situation gave my mother PTSD, or Post-Tramatic-Stress-Disorder. She began having nightmares about him, she couldn't sleep at night, and once she even screamed for her life and attacked me, when I tried to wake her up to have breakfast.
My father had frightened her, and we had to move to New York City, because she was scared for her life. And she had wanted to be with her family ever since the terrorist attacks happened on September 11th, 2001. While a lot of the people didn't want to be in New York City during that time, my mother needed to come back to New York, to be with her family. I don't know if she felt like her presence would keep the terrorists from doing anything else, or if that anything were to happen, she would be there to either die with our family, or help our family in need. I don't really know, she just had to come to New York City and live there. So we did, and it was not all what she hyped it up to be. It was a long struggle. I was very reclusive, and afraid to go outside sometimes. But I manage to get through it, and become a real New Yorker.
But even with some of that joy, I still couldn't ignore the pain that I was going through. I had some crushes on the girls who were going to the group therapy sessions. And they either had a boyfriend, another boyfriend, or just weren't interested in me at all. I had thoughts of suicide, but realized that wouldn't of been fair to my mother, who would've mourned me, and probably killed herself.. So I continued with my pain, and attempted to be content with it. Sometimes I think I probably enjoyed being depressed, looking at life from my bleak empty existence. Which is why I appreciated the joyful moments, because I knew they wouldn't last.
But during all of these things that were happening during my personal life, Eva Yojimbo kept recommending "Neon Genesis Evangelion." to me. He basically couldn't stop talking about it. I guess God realized that I needed something to bring me out my despair. I had debates with different people online about "2001: A Space Odyssey", even about how many chapters were in the film. I tried to pay attention to the facts that were given to us within the film, and that there were three chapters, not four.
But my friends would argue that there were four, once Bowen starts going through his Stargate sequence, but would still say three chapters and nothing more nothing less.
Because of Yojimbo, when did shop at Best Buy, I always come across theDVD and its cover image "Neon Genesis Evangelion." While I never felt the need to buy it and watch it, the cover was gorgeous. You see, it was the Platinum Edition with a cover of silver paint and a great picture of Rei Ayanami. I was becoming intrigued.
I couldn't get the cover out of my read, nor theDVD reviews on the back of it. On the back cover, there was a review by www.aintitcoolnews.com, that mentioned it considered "Evangelion" to be anime's perfect storm. A phenomenon on par with "The Matrix", "Harry Potter", and "Star Wars." It said that that plenty of works might try to reproduce the story , but that ultimately it would stand alone.
That review really pegged my interest, because I love aintitcoolnews. They're geeks are just like me, and proud of it. They love films, anime, graphic novels, books, and comic-books. Finally after all of Yojimbo's recommendations, I decided to blind-buy "Evangelion. " That was a scary thing to do: I don't have alot of money, so paying 60 bucks for a 26 episode anime title that I didn't really know anything about, was risky and I hadn't seriously watched an anime in a couple years. I had gotten bored with anime. Naruto was uninteresting, I was tired of "Dragon Ball Z", "Death Note" seemed very dull, and "Bleach" just never caught my interest. All the newer animes didn't interest me.
Acutally looking at the cover and plot synopsis of "Evangelion", one would think it was just another story about kids who pilot mechas, but I was pleasantly surprised.
"Evangelion" turned out to be the greatest blind-buy I would ever purchase, a anime with a story that I would never forget or regret.
Very depressing years
My personal walk to find myself started around 2006 and 2007, as I was getting into heated debates, discussions, and arguments with different people on IMDB. I had been a member of IMDB since 2005, always made regular comments there, and had many interesting discussions and arguments.
But 2007 was different; my discussions principally mainly involved "2001: A Space Odyssey", and it was also first time that I had ever heard of an anime called "Neon Genesis Evangelion."
One of the members named Eva Yojimbo, just constantly kept recommending to watch the anime "Neon Genesis Evangelion." I couldn't understand why he was so obsessed over it, or how he could compare a cartoon to great cinema like "2001: A Space Odyssey", "Blade Runner", "Seven Samurai", "Mulholland Drive", or "Vertigo." And not only did he rank them next to those films, he put it above them! I was shocked, and became curious with this obsessive love he had towards "Evangelion."
While I was through all these different discussions and debates in 2007, my life was in a constant state of depression. I kept feeling like I was going down a black hole, and couldn't find a way out. All four walls were crushing me and I didn't know what to do. My heart was filled with sorrow, and despair. I hated the fact that I couldn't get a girlfriend, and that I was a recluse. I would avoid the pain, by playing video games all day, or just expressing my anger towards my family and what few friends I had during that time. My depression didn't get any better, as my geek world seemed to be falling apart around me. Comic-books felt empty, shallow, and repetitive to me. I subjected myself to awful comic-book adaptations like "Ghost Rider", and "Spiderman 3." And even video games didn't seem to fill that emptiness within my heart.
So my geek life was in hades during that time. I had to endure the bloated and mindless "X-Men 3" one of the worst experiences of my life. I was disappointed in "Superman Returns" for having a boring story, and no action at all. It was basically a CGI version of Richard Donner's original movie, without a good story, more plot-holes, and a nonexistent interesting love story.
Then the very next year came the dreadful "Ghost Rider" flick, with Nicholas Cage. It made excellent money at the box office, but I felt as if I had completely wasted my time and money on one of the most empty experiences of my life. And then came "Spiderman 3", one of the biggest cinematic disappointments in recent memory.
It just felt like everything was crashing around me. My personal life was uninteresting, my geek life with comic-books wasn't that exciting, and superhero films were getting worse. In fact, the only great comic-book adaptations that I saw during that time, came out in 2005. And those films were "Batman Begins" and "Sin City."
Yet that year also had these dreadful flicks, "Elektra" and "Fantastic Four."
2005 wasn't a great year for comic book fans like me, yearning for just ONE great year at the cinemas for superhero films, and comic-book adaptations. No, 2005 was not the year, when my walk toward spiritualism really got started; it definitely began in late 2006, and the summer of 2007.
That summer was an intense time and anxious time in my life. I was 20 years old, and I had a crush on a girl named Addie, but we couldn't stop arguing. We almost began to fight each other at Barnes N Noble at Union Square, which is one of the biggest, and most beautiful Barnes N Nobles that I have ever seen.
Yes, we caused a scene that day in late June of 2007, and we haven't talked much since then. We reconciled for a bit, but she became very busy with her political campaign work and that took up most of her time.
She was so such a cute girl, with an incredible body and a spirited personality. She was always open about her sex life, political views, and many other things. I loved her so much, but I had to argue with her. I had to constantly debate her, and I had to win those debates. I wanted her to bow down, and acknowledge my intelligence and masculinity as a man. But that never happened.
I remember we got into a huge argument about George W. Bush. I claimed that he was a do nothing President. She became angry, and called my argument one of the most idiotic, and asinine things that she had ever heard spoken by anyone. Well, technically, she was right. George W. Bush was never a do nothing President. He fought a war in Afghanistan post 9/11/2001, he started an unnecessary war in Iraq, and cut taxes for the rich.
Yet I loved it when Addie got mad, because it turned me on. Seeing her get angry, her face turning red gave me immense satisfaction, and made me want her even more. Therefore, I didn't try to correct my statements and tell here that I did think Bush had performed and promoted legislation to assist people who were poor or in need of help."
That would of been the right thing to say, since it had merit. Emphasizing that Bush didn't do anything, was completely false on my part. He did do many things for all American citizens albeit more for the rich...his base...but he accomplished much in his administration, and that's an absolute fact!
Our argument happened late 2006. It must of been in December, because two of my best friends Anthony and Edie became a couple around November, and were just getting closer to each other , and couldn't stop making out in public. I envied Anthony for having her, because I had a crush on her too. I envied Anthony, for being better looking then me. But then I started envying his relationship with Edie, and the connection they had, the love and compassion. It was all there, and I really needed that in my life. This was basically three years before God would find that special person who would fill that void in my life, and bring me back to him. So in 2006, I was an emotional wreck. Two of the girls that I wanted the most were with somebody else. One of them probably felt like I was an annoying little brat(Addie), while the other just liked me as a friend(Edie). And I felt like my life just SUCKED!
Still, 2006 wasn't an entirely bad year. I got to see some great films like "Babel" and "Pan's Labyrinth." "Pan's Labyrinth" one an incredible experience, and one of the most violent fantasy films ever written. And basically most fantasy tales are pretty violent, even the ones that are dumbed down by Disney movies. Therefore, "Pan's Labyrinth" hit the mark when it got made.
Guillermo Del Toro did an excellent job and I gained genuine faith in him as a filmmaker. Because while his other film "Blade 2" was an awesome spectacle, it had no substance, and it was basically emotionless screen drivel so I didn't really care about the journey.
I rooted more for the villain in that movie, than I rooted for "Blade." And I was a huge "Blade" fanboy during that time. I loved the comics, and read alot of them, and the original film was one of the greatest marvel adaptations to this day. Probably even better then "Spiderman 2" in some cases.
"The Descent" was a fantastic horror flick, that actually scared the crap out of me. One of the great modern horror films, in an era where torture porn still seems popular among so-called horror fans. I'm sorry, but "Saw" and "Hostel" are not horror films. They're snuff flicks, dressed up as horror films.
My personal favorite films that year were "Inland Empire", "Brick", and "Half Nelson." I saw "Brick" like 5 or 6 times in the theater. I would go to the Anjelika Theater, and it was always an incredible experience. It's one of the most absorbing, original, and perfectly acted film-noirs ever made. And it showed Joseph Gordon Levitt's incredible strength as an actor, and fascinating charisma. I saw "Inland Empire" around the fall of 2007. It was a blind-buy, but that didn't matter, because I was already well educated on David Lynch during that time and knew that I was going to love. And as far as I'm concerned, it's still the best film of 2006, and you can't really find a film to compare it too. It's just a three hour dream sequence.
The best performance of 2006 was "Half Nelson" starring Ryan Gosling, who showed an astounding range of emotions in every scene.
Forrest Whittaker's performance in "The Last King Of Scotland", was phenominal but the Oscar should of gone to Ryan Gosling, for giving one of the most convincing performances of a drug addict that I have ever seen. I also felt that Clint Eastwood deserved the Oscar that year for best director instead of Martin Scorsese, but I was happy Scorsese won, because of all the great work that he's done in his career so far. I'm sure he still has a more great films left in him.
There were other good or films that year. "Letters From Iwo Jima", "Children of Men", "The Prestige", "The Departed", "Volver", "Little Miss Sunshine", "The Queen", "The Pursuit of Happiness", "Little Children", "Notes on a Scandal", "United 93", "The Last King of Scotland", and many others. There were powerful documentaries like "When the Levees Broke", and "Jesus Camp." So overall, 2006 was a really good year for cinema. Much better then 2005 in my opinion, but none of this is really important. I'm just giving you a window into my love for cinema. This is barely the tip of the Ice Burg. But my main focus is on how God put together so many crazy things in line, in order for me to get back to him. And not just my geek life, but in my personal life as well.
By the end of 2006, I didn't feel like I had a purpose, I was obsessed with movies, obsessed with girls, and obsessed with Bragelina! When I would I see my therapist, I wouldn't really talk about myself, because I never felt like there was anything of interest to talk about. I was thinking about girls, masturbating alot, watching porn, playing video games, watching movies, thinking about whatever Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were doing. And that was it. I didn't feel like talking about the fact that I was yelling and arguing with my mother most of the time. I didn't want to talk about my depression, sadness, or my anger towards God. I didn't want to talk about the fact that I wanted to be with Addie, Eddie, or whatever girl that went past me.
I was pissed that Addie wasn't my girlfriend. She was beautiful, articulate, quirky, had a great body, and was very opinionated. And we were so opinionated, that it basically ruined whatever friendship that we could of had. I also use to feel bullied by her as well. She use to pick on me for being a virgin, and just poked fun at me for any reason. But when I finally lost my tempter and told her to "eff off", our friendship just ended. We didn't fight, or have a huge yelling match. But that episode was enough for us to realize that we couldn't be around each other anymore. Our falling out happened around June of 2007. Which made me sad, because she was a good friend of mine
The last time I talked to her was during April or March of 2008. We bumped into each other and caught up with some of the things we were doing. I told her that I was making new friends on meetup.com, and she told me that she was busy with campaigning for the upcoming election. She wanted Hillary to win, and I wanted Obama to win. For all I know, we could have been married in another lifetime, with the amount of differences that we had, because let's face it, opposites attract, but she definitely wasn't attracted to me, since she still had a boyfriend.
We discussed who was the better candidate, Barack Obama or Hilary Clinton. She basically admired Hilary because she's an accomplished woman candidate. And Addie is the perfect feminist, open with her sexuality, her political views, and her opinions. That she was a Hilary supporter did not surprise me. She knew who I was voting for, she knew my stance on racism in politics, and she knew that I felt that America was one of the most racist state in the world. I told her that I was voting for Obama, and that my entire reason for voting for him was because he is an African-American.
I didn't care about his political views, even though I agreed with a lot of them, I didn't care about his life story, his nice family, or the fact that he grew up as a mix of different races and cultures in his blood, just like me. I'm part West Indian, Danish, Native American, and Jewish. So while I loved his political views, and could relate to how he grew up, I didn't care about that:. I wanted to see a Black man as President. I wanted to grow up in a world where I could say, "My President is black and be proud of it!"
I told her that I couldn't vote for Hilary, because I just couldn't vote for another Presidential candidate who wasn't cognizant of simple state politics. Hilary has been in politics as long as her husband, Bill Clinton, yet she didn't know that Texas had both a State primary, and a State Caucas? How could she not know that? Obama had only been actively working national politics since 2002, which means 2008 was his sixth year in politics, but he knew enough about Texas politics, to beat Hilary Clinton. If I'm gonna vote for a candidate, they have to be an articulate an educated leader. Obama possessed all of the requisite traits that I considered necessary for President, Hilary did not.
Addie didn't know that Hilary could be that incompetent, nor did she know that Hilary had admitted her incompetence by mentioning that she didn't know Texas had both a primary and a State Caucus. Addie and I didn't have time to argue about that situation, because she was busy with with her campaign field work , but I felt like I'd finally won a discussion with her. I said to myself, "I won!"
I had great times with my old friends, some whom remain my friends still. We spent many joyful moments together, especially going to the movies. I would usually buy the tickets for all of us, gratis. Our superficial friendships began to develop in a deep personal and emotional level, because of the different issues and personal problems we had in common. So after many weeks of getting to know one another, we began to hang out more, watch movies, and have more fun. I went to a house party once, which was held by my old friend Addie at her home for all of us.. We'd usually butt-heads a lot, and we never got along, but I learned from her, and I'm eternally grateful that she was my friend. And that goes for my other close friends, Antony, Janet, and Theo, who gave me great advice, and cared about my well being.
But by April of 2007, I wasn't really thinking about Addie anymore. Granted, I was distracted with the awfulness of "Ghost Rider", the new homo erotic action flick called "300", and trying to actually hang out with Anthony and Edie without feeling like choking myself since I had a huge crush on Edie.
Soon my attention turned towards another girl, a Puerto Rican spit fire! By the early summer of 2007, I was falling in love with a gorgeous Puerto Rican girl named Cassie, who had no interest in me at all. But I loved her. I loved her alot! Actually, it wasn't love, it was lust! I lusted after her, and I think she knew it. Women know when men are looking at them and lusting after them, they have a sixth sense about that sort of thing.
At that time, she might have been the most beautiful person who had ever spoken to me,. She had incredible multicolored eyes, and amazing curves. She had one of the best bodies I had ever seen. She said that she exercised a lot, and took kick-boxing classes. I was like, "Kick me, kick me!" I just couldn't stop looking at her. She was my dream girl, she was a Latina, and she was hot! I obsessed over her, I wanted her, I couldn't stop thinking about her, and I was in lust with her all the time; one of the seven deadly sins.
She had this dangerous beauty about her that only the best poet would dare write about. She was beautiful with a dangerous edge with excited me all the more. She looked as if she would give you a sweet hug and kiss, and then tear you to pieces the next moment. I loved that! I wanted her to punch me, hurt me, or bite me. And she did bit my finger once, because I was annoying her, and it was painful, but I really liked it. It was a fond memory to remember her by. But sadly, she just wasn't that into me.
We flirted at times, but that's all it was. In the end, I wasn't her type, and my heart was broken. My crush on her started around April of 07, and it didn't stop until early 2008. But she broke my heart in October of 2007, and I was deeply depressed. I've basically obsessed over women most of my life. I wanted a girlfriend, I wanted to move in with a woman, I wanted to get married, and maybe have kids. Personally, I wanted women to worship me, and follow every word that I spoke, and every move that I made. I wanted to be Robert Pattison, Brad Pitt, and Johnny Depp all mixed into one. But it wasn't happening, and I was stuck with my pathetic little life.
To make things worse, I had an argument an ex-girlfriend of mine, Nikki. We dated in San Antonio she was and really cute. She had nice eyes, and was very curvy. She was bi-racial Black and Mexican.
She had many personal problems. In 2002 she wanted to commit suicide, but with the help of others, I managed to keep her from killing herself. We began to date in 2003, but we had many breakups.
We did have one great date when we went to see a terrible movie, "You Got Served." It absolutely sucked. Because it was so awful, it became the perfect time for us to make out. I loved kissing her; she had so much passion and pain behind her kisses. I could almost feel the yearning, and anguish within her soul every time we kissed, and that made my buying the two tickets worthwhile. If anyone else suffered through that flick, I want to apologize for reminding you of it's existence.
Anyway, since my mother and I were moving to New York City, we broke up, . I wasn't going suffer long distance relationship drama, wondering what your girl is doing, while in another state, trying to meet and date other girls in New York. I wasn't going play her like that, or lie to her. So after awhile, we separated but remained friends.
Later in the year, during the summer of 2007, she called me and wanted to visit me. She asked me if I had any girlfriends or if was interested in somebody. I didn't tell her the number of women that I was interested in, but I did tell her that though I had crushes on a few girls, I could put them aside for her. I was lonely, and willing to have my ex-girlfriend come up to New York for a while so that I might finally lose my virginity, and have sex. Then we would go our separate ways, and I'd try to meet other women, with a bit more confidence, knowing that I was finally a man, and that I had finally slept with a woman. Well that didn't happen.
After Cassie broke my heart, then Niki told me that she had found a new guy, and that they were getting close, because he became close to her mother. He went from being a friend and a shoulder for her to cry on, to boyfriend. I was angry, and told her so on Myspace.I did some name calling, and said some things that I shouldn't have.
I think her older brother threatened to kill me, as did her boyfriend. They were Latin Kings, and could of actually killed me, but I didn't care. I was too depressed to live, so I just kept cursing all three of them out until I finally got bored, removed her from my friends list on Myspace, and stopped talking to her for good. She was also a good friend of mine, and I wish things could ofended differently
Yet 2007 wasn't all that bad a year. Eva Yojimbo couldn't talking about and recommending "Neon Genesis Evangelion" to me. I was so lonely, that I almost had Jehovah Witnesses coming over to study the Bible with me, which my mother absolutely refused , and kept them away from our house. I think she told security to keep them from our apartment. I didn't have any ill feelings towards them. They were just trying to reach out, and the conversation helped me out a lot during that time.
"Transformers" debuted during the Summer of 2007, and while it wasn't a good film, it was certainly better then "Spiderman 3", and "Pirates of the Caribbean 3." The Coen Brothers came out with "No Country For Old Men" one of the few films that I'd call an absolute masterpiece: It's a near perfect film. That movie couldn't of come out at a more perfect time, because my heart was crushed by Cassie, I'd had a traumatic separation from my ex-girlfriend, and my good friend Addie. And to make matters worse I still hated the fact that Anthony and Edie were still dating each other, and my other friend Jay now had a girlfriend too. And she was like one of my closest buddies, and we use to share our loneliness with each other, and deal with the fact that we were single, and didn't have anybody. And then when she began to see a girl, I basically just gave up on my life, and figured that I would never be with anybody.
I wasn't going to kill myself, but it was starting to get to that point again. I felt like dying when my grandmother passed away in November of 2004, the day before Thanksgiving day. And I chose to be hospitalized in March of 2005, because I knew that I needed help.
Therefore, in 2007 I was in a state of deep depression and "No Country For Old Men" was perfect for my mood. It was about despair, isolation, and a world with no God. It was nihilistic, violent, depressing, angry, frightening, terrifying: my life meant absolutely nothing. It showed me that my feelings were accurate; that I was right; that life means nothing, and that we're just living in a chaotic world, without meaning.
Sure, there are coincidences, fate, but in the end, life's just an illusion. We're born, we live, we die, and that's it. There's no purpose, no reason, and no life after death.
There's just this terrible life that I got for a short period of time, and then I will just wither away to nothingness. Nobody would remember me, nobody would miss me, nobody would even talk about me. "No Country For Old Men"demonstrated my world to me; a world with no hope, no God, and no salvation for anybody.
At that particular time in my life, spirituality was not real; it was a figment of my imagination, that life meant survival of the fittest survival and that a spiritual life had no place in the scheme of things.. Nobody cared, and I certainly didn't care about myself except to survive. During those times when I had to make myself survive, It was all about me, me and me. And nothing more. The Coen Brothers did a masterful job with "No Country For Old Men", it spoke to me, during a time when I was in great despair.
Then another great nihilistic film debuted, "There Will Be Blood." It's an extraordinary film, with great performances, great aesthetics, brilliant direction, and probably the most unique musical score of the last 10 years. The ending demonstrates shows what the title's meaning. That with the discovery of oil, there will be blood. That when our greedy nature gets the best of us, there will be blood.
Personally, at times, I thought the film was an attack on God. Daniel Plainview was one of the few characters in this movie to challenge God, and survive, but with a major cost to his sanity, and the relationship he had with his son. Yet as I watched the film, I just exalted in his anger towards God and a hypocrite preacher, Eli Sunday.
I hated Eli Sunday. He reminded me of those disgusting priests who were exposed as having abused children, which the Catholic Church then covered up by allowing them to get away with it again at another Parish. Eli was disgusting creature who revealed just how morally corrupt religion can become. .If you hate religion and was as angry at God was much as I was, you might enjoy "There Will Be Blood." It definitely spoke to me.
I was angry with God for not giving me the best father in the world, who gave me a father attacked my faith when I was a l child , and who physically,emotionally and spiritually abused me.
I was angry at God, for not saving those 3,000 lives that were taken during those terrorist attacks on September 11th of 2001. I was angry at God for not saving those poor people who died in New Orleans in August of 2005. I was angry at him, for not giving me a girlfriend, and for not giving me the perfect life that my mother was hoping for in New York City.
My mother and I moved from San Antonio Texas to New York City, because she was scared for her life. My father hit her right arm, she locked herself in the bathroom, called the cops to get him thrown out, and we moved. She also called me and told my to stay at my friend MIchael's house and talked to his mother and told her the circumstances. After the police told him to move, we packed his belongings, and left them outside for him to pick up later.
I had a good friend, Rudy, who's mother helped us during that time. She drove my mother to pick me up from my friend's Michael's
house. My mother was in shock at what my father had done and couldn't drive. My friends wouldn't let me leave their house alone. I wanted to go and fight my father for hitting my mother, but they wouldn't allow me to leave. Michael and his sister kept me from going home to fight my father, get arrested, and go to prison. For a while I didn't know if my mother was alive..
But when I look back at that moment, I realize God wanted to protect me. He used Michael and his sister Chantel to shelter me, and keep out of harms way, because if I had found a way to leave their house, get to my house and confront my father, the situation would have been immensely worse.
That situation gave my mother PTSD, or Post-Tramatic-Stress-Disorder. She began having nightmares about him, she couldn't sleep at night, and once she even screamed for her life and attacked me, when I tried to wake her up to have breakfast.
My father had frightened her, and we had to move to New York City, because she was scared for her life. And she had wanted to be with her family ever since the terrorist attacks happened on September 11th, 2001. While a lot of the people didn't want to be in New York City during that time, my mother needed to come back to New York, to be with her family. I don't know if she felt like her presence would keep the terrorists from doing anything else, or if that anything were to happen, she would be there to either die with our family, or help our family in need. I don't really know, she just had to come to New York City and live there. So we did, and it was not all what she hyped it up to be. It was a long struggle. I was very reclusive, and afraid to go outside sometimes. But I manage to get through it, and become a real New Yorker.
But even with some of that joy, I still couldn't ignore the pain that I was going through. I had some crushes on the girls who were going to the group therapy sessions. And they either had a boyfriend, another boyfriend, or just weren't interested in me at all. I had thoughts of suicide, but realized that wouldn't of been fair to my mother, who would've mourned me, and probably killed herself.. So I continued with my pain, and attempted to be content with it. Sometimes I think I probably enjoyed being depressed, looking at life from my bleak empty existence. Which is why I appreciated the joyful moments, because I knew they wouldn't last.
But during all of these things that were happening during my personal life, Eva Yojimbo kept recommending "Neon Genesis Evangelion." to me. He basically couldn't stop talking about it. I guess God realized that I needed something to bring me out my despair. I had debates with different people online about "2001: A Space Odyssey", even about how many chapters were in the film. I tried to pay attention to the facts that were given to us within the film, and that there were three chapters, not four.
But my friends would argue that there were four, once Bowen starts going through his Stargate sequence, but would still say three chapters and nothing more nothing less.
Because of Yojimbo, when did shop at Best Buy, I always come across theDVD and its cover image "Neon Genesis Evangelion." While I never felt the need to buy it and watch it, the cover was gorgeous. You see, it was the Platinum Edition with a cover of silver paint and a great picture of Rei Ayanami. I was becoming intrigued.
I couldn't get the cover out of my read, nor theDVD reviews on the back of it. On the back cover, there was a review by www.aintitcoolnews.com, that mentioned it considered "Evangelion" to be anime's perfect storm. A phenomenon on par with "The Matrix", "Harry Potter", and "Star Wars." It said that that plenty of works might try to reproduce the story , but that ultimately it would stand alone.
That review really pegged my interest, because I love aintitcoolnews. They're geeks are just like me, and proud of it. They love films, anime, graphic novels, books, and comic-books. Finally after all of Yojimbo's recommendations, I decided to blind-buy "Evangelion. " That was a scary thing to do: I don't have alot of money, so paying 60 bucks for a 26 episode anime title that I didn't really know anything about, was risky and I hadn't seriously watched an anime in a couple years. I had gotten bored with anime. Naruto was uninteresting, I was tired of "Dragon Ball Z", "Death Note" seemed very dull, and "Bleach" just never caught my interest. All the newer animes didn't interest me.
Acutally looking at the cover and plot synopsis of "Evangelion", one would think it was just another story about kids who pilot mechas, but I was pleasantly surprised.
"Evangelion" turned out to be the greatest blind-buy I would ever purchase, a anime with a story that I would never forget or regret.
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