2006,2007
Very depressing years
My personal walk to find myself started around 2006 and 2007, as I was getting into heated debates, discussions, and arguments with different people on IMDB. I had been a member of IMDB since 2005, always made regular comments there, and had many interesting discussions and arguments.
But 2007 was different; my discussions principally mainly involved "2001: A Space Odyssey", and it was also first time that I had ever heard of an anime called "Neon Genesis Evangelion."
One of the members named Eva Yojimbo, just constantly kept recommending to watch the anime "Neon Genesis Evangelion." I couldn't understand why he was so obsessed over it, or how he could compare a cartoon to great cinema like "2001: A Space Odyssey", "Blade Runner", "Seven Samurai", "Mulholland Drive", or "Vertigo." And not only did he rank them next to those films, he put it above them! I was shocked, and became curious with this obsessive love he had towards "Evangelion."
While I was through all these different discussions and debates in 2007, my life was in a constant state of depression. I kept feeling like I was going down a black hole, and couldn't find a way out. All four walls were crushing me and I didn't know what to do. My heart was filled with sorrow, and despair. I hated the fact that I couldn't get a girlfriend, and that I was a recluse. I would avoid the pain, by playing video games all day, or just expressing my anger towards my family and what few friends I had during that time. My depression didn't get any better, as my geek world seemed to be falling apart around me. Comic-books felt empty, shallow, and repetitive to me. I subjected myself to awful comic-book adaptations like "Ghost Rider", and "Spiderman 3." And even video games didn't seem to fill that emptiness within my heart.
So my geek life was in hades during that time. I had to endure the bloated and mindless "X-Men 3" one of the worst experiences of my life. I was disappointed in "Superman Returns" for having a boring story, and no action at all. It was basically a CGI version of Richard Donner's original movie, without a good story, more plot-holes, and a nonexistent interesting love story.
Then the very next year came the dreadful "Ghost Rider" flick, with Nicholas Cage. It made excellent money at the box office, but I felt as if I had completely wasted my time and money on one of the most empty experiences of my life. And then came "Spiderman 3", one of the biggest cinematic disappointments in recent memory.
It just felt like everything was crashing around me. My personal life was uninteresting, my geek life with comic-books wasn't that exciting, and superhero films were getting worse. In fact, the only great comic-book adaptations that I saw during that time, came out in 2005. And those films were "Batman Begins" and "Sin City."
Yet that year also had these dreadful flicks, "Elektra" and "Fantastic Four."
2005 wasn't a great year for comic book fans like me, yearning for just ONE great year at the cinemas for superhero films, and comic-book adaptations. No, 2005 was not the year, when my walk toward spiritualism really got started; it definitely began in late 2006, and the summer of 2007.
That summer was an intense time and anxious time in my life. I was 20 years old, and I had a crush on a girl named Addie, but we couldn't stop arguing. We almost began to fight each other at Barnes N Noble at Union Square, which is one of the biggest, and most beautiful Barnes N Nobles that I have ever seen.
Yes, we caused a scene that day in late June of 2007, and we haven't talked much since then. We reconciled for a bit, but she became very busy with her political campaign work and that took up most of her time.
She was so such a cute girl, with an incredible body and a spirited personality. She was always open about her sex life, political views, and many other things. I loved her so much, but I had to argue with her. I had to constantly debate her, and I had to win those debates. I wanted her to bow down, and acknowledge my intelligence and masculinity as a man. But that never happened.
I remember we got into a huge argument about George W. Bush. I claimed that he was a do nothing President. She became angry, and called my argument one of the most idiotic, and asinine things that she had ever heard spoken by anyone. Well, technically, she was right. George W. Bush was never a do nothing President. He fought a war in Afghanistan post 9/11/2001, he started an unnecessary war in Iraq, and cut taxes for the rich.
Yet I loved it when Addie got mad, because it turned me on. Seeing her get angry, her face turning red gave me immense satisfaction, and made me want her even more. Therefore, I didn't try to correct my statements and tell here that I did think Bush had performed and promoted legislation to assist people who were poor or in need of help."
That would of been the right thing to say, since it had merit. Emphasizing that Bush didn't do anything, was completely false on my part. He did do many things for all American citizens albeit more for the rich...his base...but he accomplished much in his administration, and that's an absolute fact!
Our argument happened late 2006. It must of been in December, because two of my best friends Anthony and Edie became a couple around November, and were just getting closer to each other , and couldn't stop making out in public. I envied Anthony for having her, because I had a crush on her too. I envied Anthony, for being better looking then me. But then I started envying his relationship with Edie, and the connection they had, the love and compassion. It was all there, and I really needed that in my life. This was basically three years before God would find that special person who would fill that void in my life, and bring me back to him. So in 2006, I was an emotional wreck. Two of the girls that I wanted the most were with somebody else. One of them probably felt like I was an annoying little brat(Addie), while the other just liked me as a friend(Edie). And I felt like my life just SUCKED!
Still, 2006 wasn't an entirely bad year. I got to see some great films like "Babel" and "Pan's Labyrinth." "Pan's Labyrinth" one an incredible experience, and one of the most violent fantasy films ever written. And basically most fantasy tales are pretty violent, even the ones that are dumbed down by Disney movies. Therefore, "Pan's Labyrinth" hit the mark when it got made.
Guillermo Del Toro did an excellent job and I gained genuine faith in him as a filmmaker. Because while his other film "Blade 2" was an awesome spectacle, it had no substance, and it was basically emotionless screen drivel so I didn't really care about the journey.
I rooted more for the villain in that movie, than I rooted for "Blade." And I was a huge "Blade" fanboy during that time. I loved the comics, and read alot of them, and the original film was one of the greatest marvel adaptations to this day. Probably even better then "Spiderman 2" in some cases.
"The Descent" was a fantastic horror flick, that actually scared the crap out of me. One of the great modern horror films, in an era where torture porn still seems popular among so-called horror fans. I'm sorry, but "Saw" and "Hostel" are not horror films. They're snuff flicks, dressed up as horror films.
My personal favorite films that year were "Inland Empire", "Brick", and "Half Nelson." I saw "Brick" like 5 or 6 times in the theater. I would go to the Anjelika Theater, and it was always an incredible experience. It's one of the most absorbing, original, and perfectly acted film-noirs ever made. And it showed Joseph Gordon Levitt's incredible strength as an actor, and fascinating charisma. I saw "Inland Empire" around the fall of 2007. It was a blind-buy, but that didn't matter, because I was already well educated on David Lynch during that time and knew that I was going to love. And as far as I'm concerned, it's still the best film of 2006, and you can't really find a film to compare it too. It's just a three hour dream sequence.
The best performance of 2006 was "Half Nelson" starring Ryan Gosling, who showed an astounding range of emotions in every scene.
Forrest Whittaker's performance in "The Last King Of Scotland", was phenominal but the Oscar should of gone to Ryan Gosling, for giving one of the most convincing performances of a drug addict that I have ever seen. I also felt that Clint Eastwood deserved the Oscar that year for best director instead of Martin Scorsese, but I was happy Scorsese won, because of all the great work that he's done in his career so far. I'm sure he still has a more great films left in him.
There were other good or films that year. "Letters From Iwo Jima", "Children of Men", "The Prestige", "The Departed", "Volver", "Little Miss Sunshine", "The Queen", "The Pursuit of Happiness", "Little Children", "Notes on a Scandal", "United 93", "The Last King of Scotland", and many others. There were powerful documentaries like "When the Levees Broke", and "Jesus Camp." So overall, 2006 was a really good year for cinema. Much better then 2005 in my opinion, but none of this is really important. I'm just giving you a window into my love for cinema. This is barely the tip of the Ice Burg. But my main focus is on how God put together so many crazy things in line, in order for me to get back to him. And not just my geek life, but in my personal life as well.
By the end of 2006, I didn't feel like I had a purpose, I was obsessed with movies, obsessed with girls, and obsessed with Bragelina! When I would I see my therapist, I wouldn't really talk about myself, because I never felt like there was anything of interest to talk about. I was thinking about girls, masturbating alot, watching porn, playing video games, watching movies, thinking about whatever Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were doing. And that was it. I didn't feel like talking about the fact that I was yelling and arguing with my mother most of the time. I didn't want to talk about my depression, sadness, or my anger towards God. I didn't want to talk about the fact that I wanted to be with Addie, Eddie, or whatever girl that went past me.
I was pissed that Addie wasn't my girlfriend. She was beautiful, articulate, quirky, had a great body, and was very opinionated. And we were so opinionated, that it basically ruined whatever friendship that we could of had. I also use to feel bullied by her as well. She use to pick on me for being a virgin, and just poked fun at me for any reason. But when I finally lost my tempter and told her to "eff off", our friendship just ended. We didn't fight, or have a huge yelling match. But that episode was enough for us to realize that we couldn't be around each other anymore. Our falling out happened around June of 2007. Which made me sad, because she was a good friend of mine
The last time I talked to her was during April or March of 2008. We bumped into each other and caught up with some of the things we were doing. I told her that I was making new friends on meetup.com, and she told me that she was busy with campaigning for the upcoming election. She wanted Hillary to win, and I wanted Obama to win. For all I know, we could have been married in another lifetime, with the amount of differences that we had, because let's face it, opposites attract, but she definitely wasn't attracted to me, since she still had a boyfriend.
We discussed who was the better candidate, Barack Obama or Hilary Clinton. She basically admired Hilary because she's an accomplished woman candidate. And Addie is the perfect feminist, open with her sexuality, her political views, and her opinions. That she was a Hilary supporter did not surprise me. She knew who I was voting for, she knew my stance on racism in politics, and she knew that I felt that America was one of the most racist state in the world. I told her that I was voting for Obama, and that my entire reason for voting for him was because he is an African-American.
I didn't care about his political views, even though I agreed with a lot of them, I didn't care about his life story, his nice family, or the fact that he grew up as a mix of different races and cultures in his blood, just like me. I'm part West Indian, Danish, Native American, and Jewish. So while I loved his political views, and could relate to how he grew up, I didn't care about that:. I wanted to see a Black man as President. I wanted to grow up in a world where I could say, "My President is black and be proud of it!"
I told her that I couldn't vote for Hilary, because I just couldn't vote for another Presidential candidate who wasn't cognizant of simple state politics. Hilary has been in politics as long as her husband, Bill Clinton, yet she didn't know that Texas had both a State primary, and a State Caucas? How could she not know that? Obama had only been actively working national politics since 2002, which means 2008 was his sixth year in politics, but he knew enough about Texas politics, to beat Hilary Clinton. If I'm gonna vote for a candidate, they have to be an articulate an educated leader. Obama possessed all of the requisite traits that I considered necessary for President, Hilary did not.
Addie didn't know that Hilary could be that incompetent, nor did she know that Hilary had admitted her incompetence by mentioning that she didn't know Texas had both a primary and a State Caucus. Addie and I didn't have time to argue about that situation, because she was busy with with her campaign field work , but I felt like I'd finally won a discussion with her. I said to myself, "I won!"
I had great times with my old friends, some whom remain my friends still. We spent many joyful moments together, especially going to the movies. I would usually buy the tickets for all of us, gratis. Our superficial friendships began to develop in a deep personal and emotional level, because of the different issues and personal problems we had in common. So after many weeks of getting to know one another, we began to hang out more, watch movies, and have more fun. I went to a house party once, which was held by my old friend Addie at her home for all of us.. We'd usually butt-heads a lot, and we never got along, but I learned from her, and I'm eternally grateful that she was my friend. And that goes for my other close friends, Antony, Janet, and Theo, who gave me great advice, and cared about my well being.
But by April of 2007, I wasn't really thinking about Addie anymore. Granted, I was distracted with the awfulness of "Ghost Rider", the new homo erotic action flick called "300", and trying to actually hang out with Anthony and Edie without feeling like choking myself since I had a huge crush on Edie.
Soon my attention turned towards another girl, a Puerto Rican spit fire! By the early summer of 2007, I was falling in love with a gorgeous Puerto Rican girl named Cassie, who had no interest in me at all. But I loved her. I loved her alot! Actually, it wasn't love, it was lust! I lusted after her, and I think she knew it. Women know when men are looking at them and lusting after them, they have a sixth sense about that sort of thing.
At that time, she might have been the most beautiful person who had ever spoken to me,. She had incredible multicolored eyes, and amazing curves. She had one of the best bodies I had ever seen. She said that she exercised a lot, and took kick-boxing classes. I was like, "Kick me, kick me!" I just couldn't stop looking at her. She was my dream girl, she was a Latina, and she was hot! I obsessed over her, I wanted her, I couldn't stop thinking about her, and I was in lust with her all the time; one of the seven deadly sins.
She had this dangerous beauty about her that only the best poet would dare write about. She was beautiful with a dangerous edge with excited me all the more. She looked as if she would give you a sweet hug and kiss, and then tear you to pieces the next moment. I loved that! I wanted her to punch me, hurt me, or bite me. And she did bit my finger once, because I was annoying her, and it was painful, but I really liked it. It was a fond memory to remember her by. But sadly, she just wasn't that into me.
We flirted at times, but that's all it was. In the end, I wasn't her type, and my heart was broken. My crush on her started around April of 07, and it didn't stop until early 2008. But she broke my heart in October of 2007, and I was deeply depressed. I've basically obsessed over women most of my life. I wanted a girlfriend, I wanted to move in with a woman, I wanted to get married, and maybe have kids. Personally, I wanted women to worship me, and follow every word that I spoke, and every move that I made. I wanted to be Robert Pattison, Brad Pitt, and Johnny Depp all mixed into one. But it wasn't happening, and I was stuck with my pathetic little life.
To make things worse, I had an argument an ex-girlfriend of mine, Nikki. We dated in San Antonio she was and really cute. She had nice eyes, and was very curvy. She was bi-racial Black and Mexican.
She had many personal problems. In 2002 she wanted to commit suicide, but with the help of others, I managed to keep her from killing herself. We began to date in 2003, but we had many breakups.
We did have one great date when we went to see a terrible movie, "You Got Served." It absolutely sucked. Because it was so awful, it became the perfect time for us to make out. I loved kissing her; she had so much passion and pain behind her kisses. I could almost feel the yearning, and anguish within her soul every time we kissed, and that made my buying the two tickets worthwhile. If anyone else suffered through that flick, I want to apologize for reminding you of it's existence.
Anyway, since my mother and I were moving to New York City, we broke up, . I wasn't going suffer long distance relationship drama, wondering what your girl is doing, while in another state, trying to meet and date other girls in New York. I wasn't going play her like that, or lie to her. So after awhile, we separated but remained friends.
Later in the year, during the summer of 2007, she called me and wanted to visit me. She asked me if I had any girlfriends or if was interested in somebody. I didn't tell her the number of women that I was interested in, but I did tell her that though I had crushes on a few girls, I could put them aside for her. I was lonely, and willing to have my ex-girlfriend come up to New York for a while so that I might finally lose my virginity, and have sex. Then we would go our separate ways, and I'd try to meet other women, with a bit more confidence, knowing that I was finally a man, and that I had finally slept with a woman. Well that didn't happen.
After Cassie broke my heart, then Niki told me that she had found a new guy, and that they were getting close, because he became close to her mother. He went from being a friend and a shoulder for her to cry on, to boyfriend. I was angry, and told her so on Myspace.I did some name calling, and said some things that I shouldn't have.
I think her older brother threatened to kill me, as did her boyfriend. They were Latin Kings, and could of actually killed me, but I didn't care. I was too depressed to live, so I just kept cursing all three of them out until I finally got bored, removed her from my friends list on Myspace, and stopped talking to her for good. She was also a good friend of mine, and I wish things could ofended differently
Yet 2007 wasn't all that bad a year. Eva Yojimbo couldn't talking about and recommending "Neon Genesis Evangelion" to me. I was so lonely, that I almost had Jehovah Witnesses coming over to study the Bible with me, which my mother absolutely refused , and kept them away from our house. I think she told security to keep them from our apartment. I didn't have any ill feelings towards them. They were just trying to reach out, and the conversation helped me out a lot during that time.
"Transformers" debuted during the Summer of 2007, and while it wasn't a good film, it was certainly better then "Spiderman 3", and "Pirates of the Caribbean 3." The Coen Brothers came out with "No Country For Old Men" one of the few films that I'd call an absolute masterpiece: It's a near perfect film. That movie couldn't of come out at a more perfect time, because my heart was crushed by Cassie, I'd had a traumatic separation from my ex-girlfriend, and my good friend Addie. And to make matters worse I still hated the fact that Anthony and Edie were still dating each other, and my other friend Jay now had a girlfriend too. And she was like one of my closest buddies, and we use to share our loneliness with each other, and deal with the fact that we were single, and didn't have anybody. And then when she began to see a girl, I basically just gave up on my life, and figured that I would never be with anybody.
I wasn't going to kill myself, but it was starting to get to that point again. I felt like dying when my grandmother passed away in November of 2004, the day before Thanksgiving day. And I chose to be hospitalized in March of 2005, because I knew that I needed help.
Therefore, in 2007 I was in a state of deep depression and "No Country For Old Men" was perfect for my mood. It was about despair, isolation, and a world with no God. It was nihilistic, violent, depressing, angry, frightening, terrifying: my life meant absolutely nothing. It showed me that my feelings were accurate; that I was right; that life means nothing, and that we're just living in a chaotic world, without meaning.
Sure, there are coincidences, fate, but in the end, life's just an illusion. We're born, we live, we die, and that's it. There's no purpose, no reason, and no life after death.
There's just this terrible life that I got for a short period of time, and then I will just wither away to nothingness. Nobody would remember me, nobody would miss me, nobody would even talk about me. "No Country For Old Men"demonstrated my world to me; a world with no hope, no God, and no salvation for anybody.
At that particular time in my life, spirituality was not real; it was a figment of my imagination, that life meant survival of the fittest survival and that a spiritual life had no place in the scheme of things.. Nobody cared, and I certainly didn't care about myself except to survive. During those times when I had to make myself survive, It was all about me, me and me. And nothing more. The Coen Brothers did a masterful job with "No Country For Old Men", it spoke to me, during a time when I was in great despair.
Then another great nihilistic film debuted, "There Will Be Blood." It's an extraordinary film, with great performances, great aesthetics, brilliant direction, and probably the most unique musical score of the last 10 years. The ending demonstrates shows what the title's meaning. That with the discovery of oil, there will be blood. That when our greedy nature gets the best of us, there will be blood.
Personally, at times, I thought the film was an attack on God. Daniel Plainview was one of the few characters in this movie to challenge God, and survive, but with a major cost to his sanity, and the relationship he had with his son. Yet as I watched the film, I just exalted in his anger towards God and a hypocrite preacher, Eli Sunday.
I hated Eli Sunday. He reminded me of those disgusting priests who were exposed as having abused children, which the Catholic Church then covered up by allowing them to get away with it again at another Parish. Eli was disgusting creature who revealed just how morally corrupt religion can become. .If you hate religion and was as angry at God was much as I was, you might enjoy "There Will Be Blood." It definitely spoke to me.
I was angry with God for not giving me the best father in the world, who gave me a father attacked my faith when I was a l child , and who physically,emotionally and spiritually abused me.
I was angry at God, for not saving those 3,000 lives that were taken during those terrorist attacks on September 11th of 2001. I was angry at God for not saving those poor people who died in New Orleans in August of 2005. I was angry at him, for not giving me a girlfriend, and for not giving me the perfect life that my mother was hoping for in New York City.
My mother and I moved from San Antonio Texas to New York City, because she was scared for her life. My father hit her right arm, she locked herself in the bathroom, called the cops to get him thrown out, and we moved. She also called me and told my to stay at my friend MIchael's house and talked to his mother and told her the circumstances. After the police told him to move, we packed his belongings, and left them outside for him to pick up later.
I had a good friend, Rudy, who's mother helped us during that time. She drove my mother to pick me up from my friend's Michael's
house. My mother was in shock at what my father had done and couldn't drive. My friends wouldn't let me leave their house alone. I wanted to go and fight my father for hitting my mother, but they wouldn't allow me to leave. Michael and his sister kept me from going home to fight my father, get arrested, and go to prison. For a while I didn't know if my mother was alive..
But when I look back at that moment, I realize God wanted to protect me. He used Michael and his sister Chantel to shelter me, and keep out of harms way, because if I had found a way to leave their house, get to my house and confront my father, the situation would have been immensely worse.
That situation gave my mother PTSD, or Post-Tramatic-Stress-Disorder. She began having nightmares about him, she couldn't sleep at night, and once she even screamed for her life and attacked me, when I tried to wake her up to have breakfast.
My father had frightened her, and we had to move to New York City, because she was scared for her life. And she had wanted to be with her family ever since the terrorist attacks happened on September 11th, 2001. While a lot of the people didn't want to be in New York City during that time, my mother needed to come back to New York, to be with her family. I don't know if she felt like her presence would keep the terrorists from doing anything else, or if that anything were to happen, she would be there to either die with our family, or help our family in need. I don't really know, she just had to come to New York City and live there. So we did, and it was not all what she hyped it up to be. It was a long struggle. I was very reclusive, and afraid to go outside sometimes. But I manage to get through it, and become a real New Yorker.
But even with some of that joy, I still couldn't ignore the pain that I was going through. I had some crushes on the girls who were going to the group therapy sessions. And they either had a boyfriend, another boyfriend, or just weren't interested in me at all. I had thoughts of suicide, but realized that wouldn't of been fair to my mother, who would've mourned me, and probably killed herself.. So I continued with my pain, and attempted to be content with it. Sometimes I think I probably enjoyed being depressed, looking at life from my bleak empty existence. Which is why I appreciated the joyful moments, because I knew they wouldn't last.
But during all of these things that were happening during my personal life, Eva Yojimbo kept recommending "Neon Genesis Evangelion." to me. He basically couldn't stop talking about it. I guess God realized that I needed something to bring me out my despair. I had debates with different people online about "2001: A Space Odyssey", even about how many chapters were in the film. I tried to pay attention to the facts that were given to us within the film, and that there were three chapters, not four.
But my friends would argue that there were four, once Bowen starts going through his Stargate sequence, but would still say three chapters and nothing more nothing less.
Because of Yojimbo, when did shop at Best Buy, I always come across theDVD and its cover image "Neon Genesis Evangelion." While I never felt the need to buy it and watch it, the cover was gorgeous. You see, it was the Platinum Edition with a cover of silver paint and a great picture of Rei Ayanami. I was becoming intrigued.
I couldn't get the cover out of my read, nor theDVD reviews on the back of it. On the back cover, there was a review by www.aintitcoolnews.com, that mentioned it considered "Evangelion" to be anime's perfect storm. A phenomenon on par with "The Matrix", "Harry Potter", and "Star Wars." It said that that plenty of works might try to reproduce the story , but that ultimately it would stand alone.
That review really pegged my interest, because I love aintitcoolnews. They're geeks are just like me, and proud of it. They love films, anime, graphic novels, books, and comic-books. Finally after all of Yojimbo's recommendations, I decided to blind-buy "Evangelion. " That was a scary thing to do: I don't have alot of money, so paying 60 bucks for a 26 episode anime title that I didn't really know anything about, was risky and I hadn't seriously watched an anime in a couple years. I had gotten bored with anime. Naruto was uninteresting, I was tired of "Dragon Ball Z", "Death Note" seemed very dull, and "Bleach" just never caught my interest. All the newer animes didn't interest me.
Acutally looking at the cover and plot synopsis of "Evangelion", one would think it was just another story about kids who pilot mechas, but I was pleasantly surprised.
"Evangelion" turned out to be the greatest blind-buy I would ever purchase, a anime with a story that I would never forget or regret.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
My Walk with God and Evangelion: Chapter 1(((revised)))
2006,2007
Very depressing years
My personal walk to find myself started around 2006 and 2007, as I was getting into heated debates, discussions, and arguments with different people on IMDB. I had been a member of IMDB since 2005, always made regular comments there, and had many interesting discussions and arguments.
But 2007 was different; my discussions principally mainly involved "2001: A Space Odyssey", and it was also first time that I had ever heard of an anime called "Neon Genesis Evangelion."
One of the members named Eva Yojimbo, just constantly kept recommending to watch the anime "Neon Genesis Evangelion." I couldn't understand why he was so obsessed over it, or how he could compare a cartoon to great cinema like "2001: A Space Odyssey", "Blade Runner", "Seven Samurai", "Mulholland Drive", or "Vertigo." And not only did he rank them next to those films, he put it above them! I was shocked, and became curious with this obsessive love he had towards "Evangelion."
While I was through all these different discussions and debates in 2007, my life was in a constant state of depression. I kept feeling like I was going down a black hole, and couldn't find a way out. All four walls were crushing me and I didn't know what to do. My heart was filled with sorrow, and despair. I hated the fact that I couldn't get a girlfriend, and that I was a recluse. I would avoid the pain, by playing video games all day, or just expressing my anger towards my family and what few friends I had during that time. My depression didn't get any better, as my geek world seemed to be falling apart around me. Comic-books felt empty, shallow, and repetitive to me. I subjected myself to awful comic-book adaptations like "Ghost Rider", and "Spiderman 3." And even video games didn't seem to fill that emptiness within my heart.
So my geek life was in hades during that time. I had to endure the bloated and mindless "X-Men 3" one of the worst experiences of my life. I was disappointed in "Superman Returns" for having a boring story, and no action at all. It was basically a CGI version of Richard Donner's original movie, without a good story, more plot-holes, and a nonexistent interesting love story.
Then the very next year came the dreadful "Ghost Rider" flick, with Nicholas Cage. It made excellent money at the box office, but I felt as if I had completely wasted my time and money on one of the most empty experiences of my life. And then came "Spiderman 3", one of the biggest cinematic disappointments in recent memory.
It just felt like everything was crashing around me. My personal life was uninteresting, my geek life with comic-books wasn't that exciting, and superhero films were getting worse. In fact, the only great comic-book adaptations that I saw during that time, came out in 2005. And those films were "Batman Begins" and "Sin City."
Yet that year also had these dreadful flicks, "Elektra" and "Fantastic Four."
2005 wasn't a great year for comic book fans like me, yearning for just ONE great year at the cinemas for superhero films, and comic-book adaptations. No, 2005 was not the year, when my walk toward spiritualism really got started; it definitely began in late 2006, and the summer of 2007.
That summer was an intense time and anxious time in my life. I was 20 years old, and I had a crush on a girl named Addie, but we couldn't stop arguing. We almost began to fight each other at Barnes N Noble at Union Square, which is one of the biggest, and most beautiful Barnes N Nobles that I have ever seen.
Yes, we caused a scene that day in late June of 2007, and we haven't talked much since then. We reconciled for a bit, but she became very busy with her political campaign work and that took up most of her time.
She was so such a cute girl, with an incredible body and a spirited personality. She was always open about her sex life, political views, and many other things. I loved her so much, but I had to argue with her. I had to constantly debate her, and I had to win those debates. I wanted her to bow down, and acknowledge my intelligence and masculinity as a man. But that never happened.
I remember we got into a huge argument about George W. Bush. I claimed that he was a do nothing President. She became angry, and called my argument one of the most idiotic, and asinine things that she had ever heard spoken by anyone. Well, technically, she was right. George W. Bush was never a do nothing President. He fought a war in Afghanistan post 9/11/2001, he started an unnecessary war in Iraq, and cut taxes for the rich.
Yet I loved it when Addie got mad, because it turned me on. Seeing her get angry, her face turning red gave me immense satisfaction, and made me want her even more. Therefore, I didn't try to correct my statements and tell here that I did think Bush had performed and promoted legislation to assist people who were poor or in need of help."
That would of been the right thing to say, since it had merit. Emphasizing that Bush didn't do anything, was completely false on my part. He did do many things for all American citizens albeit more for the rich...his base...but he accomplished much in his administration, and that's an absolute fact!
Our argument happened late 2006. It must of been in December, because two of my best friends Anthony and Edie became a couple around November, and were just getting closer to each other , and couldn't stop making out in public. I envied Anthony for having her, because I had a crush on her too. I envied Anthony, for being better looking then me. But then I started envying his relationship with Edie, and the connection they had, the love and compassion. It was all there, and I really needed that in my life. This was basically three years before God would find that special person who would fill that void in my life, and bring me back to him. So in 2006, I was an emotional wreck. Two of the girls that I wanted the most were with somebody else. One of them probably felt like I was an annoying little brat(Addie), while the other just liked me as a friend(Edie). And I felt like my life just SUCKED!
Still, 2006 wasn't an entirely bad year. I got to see some great films like "Babel" and "Pan's Labyrinth." "Pan's Labyrinth" one an incredible experience, and one of the most violent fantasy films ever written. And basically most fantasy tales are pretty violent, even the ones that are dumbed down by Disney movies. Therefore, "Pan's Labyrinth" hit the mark when it got made.
Guillermo Del Toro did an excellent job and I gained genuine faith in him as a filmmaker. Because while his other film "Blade 2" was an awesome spectacle, it had no substance, and it was basically emotionless screen drivel so I didn't really care about the journey.
I rooted more for the villain in that movie, than I rooted for "Blade." And I was a huge "Blade" fanboy during that time. I loved the comics, and read alot of them, and the original film was one of the greatest marvel adaptations to this day. Probably even better then "Spiderman 2" in some cases.
"The Descent" was a fantastic horror flick, that actually scared the crap out of me. One of the great modern horror films, in an era where torture porn still seems popular among so-called horror fans. I'm sorry, but "Saw" and "Hostel" are not horror films. They're snuff flicks, dressed up as horror films.
My personal favorite films that year were "Inland Empire", "Brick", and "Half Nelson." I saw "Brick" like 5 or 6 times in the theater. I would go to the Anjelika Theater, and it was always an incredible experience. It's one of the most absorbing, original, and perfectly acted film-noirs ever made. And it showed Joseph Gordon Levitt's incredible strength as an actor, and fascinating charisma. I saw "Inland Empire" around the fall of 2007. It was a blind-buy, but that didn't matter, because I was already well educated on David Lynch during that time and knew that I was going to love. And as far as I'm concerned, it's still the best film of 2006, and you can't really find a film to compare it too. It's just a three hour dream sequence.
The best performance of 2006 was "Half Nelson" starring Ryan Gosling, who showed an astounding range of emotions in every scene.
Forrest Whittaker's performance in "The Last King Of Scotland", was phenominal but the Oscar should of gone to Ryan Gosling, for giving one of the most convincing performances of a drug addict that I have ever seen. I also felt that Clint Eastwood deserved the Oscar that year for best director instead of Martin Scorsese, but I was happy Scorsese won, because of all the great work that he's done in his career so far. I'm sure he still has a more great films left in him.
There were other good or films that year. "Letters From Iwo Jima", "Children of Men", "The Prestige", "The Departed", "Volver", "Little Miss Sunshine", "The Queen", "The Pursuit of Happiness", "Little Children", "Notes on a Scandal", "United 93", "The Last King of Scotland", and many others. There were powerful documentaries like "When the Levees Broke", and "Jesus Camp." So overall, 2006 was a really good year for cinema. Much better then 2005 in my opinion, but none of this is really important. I'm just giving you a window into my love for cinema. This is barely the tip of the Ice Burg. But my main focus is on how God put together so many crazy things in line, in order for me to get back to him. And not just my geek life, but in my personal life as well.
By the end of 2006, I didn't feel like I had a purpose, I was obsessed with movies, obsessed with girls, and obsessed with Bragelina! When I would I see my therapist, I wouldn't really talk about myself, because I never felt like there was anything of interest to talk about. I was thinking about girls, masturbating alot, watching porn, playing video games, watching movies, thinking about whatever Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were doing. And that was it. I didn't feel like talking about the fact that I was yelling and arguing with my mother most of the time. I didn't want to talk about my depression, sadness, or my anger towards God. I didn't want to talk about the fact that I wanted to be with Addie, Eddie, or whatever girl that went past me.
I was pissed that Addie wasn't my girlfriend. She was beautiful, articulate, quirky, had a great body, and was very opinionated. And we were so opinionated, that it basically ruined whatever friendship that we could of had. I also use to feel bullied by her as well. She use to pick on me for being a virgin, and just poked fun at me for any reason. But when I finally lost my tempter and told her to "eff off", our friendship just ended. We didn't fight, or have a huge yelling match. But that episode was enough for us to realize that we couldn't be around each other anymore. Our falling out happened around June of 2007. Which made me sad, because she was a good friend of mine.
The last time I talked to her was during April or March of 2008. We just bumped into each other and caught on some of the things that we were doing. I told her that I was making new friends on meetup.com, and she told me that she was busy with all the campaigning and stuff. She was for Hillary, and I was for Obama. For all I know, we could of been married in another lifetime, with the amount of differences that we had. Because let's face it, opposites attract, but she definitely wasn't attracted to me, and she still had her boyfriend at that time.
So we basically got into a discussion about who was the better candidate, Barack Obama or Hilary Clinton. To me, she basically liked Hilary because she's a woman. That's basically all I got from her. And Addie was the perfect feminist, for the fact that she was open with her sexuality, her political views, and voicing her opinions. So the very fact that she was a Hilary supported did not surprise me.
And she knew who I was voting for, because she knew my stance on racism in politics, and how I use to feel that America was like the most racist state in the world. So I told her that I was voting for Obama, because he is Black. Or at least has alot of black in him. That was my whole reason for voting for him in 2008.
I didn't care about his political views, even though I agreed with alot of them, I didn't care about his life story, his nice family, or the fact that he grew up as a mix of different races and cultures in his blood, just like me. I'm part West Indian, Danish, Native American, and Indian. So while I loved his political views, and can relate to how he grew up, I didn't care about that. I only wanted to see a Black man as President. I wanted to grow up in a world where I could say, "My President is BLACK!" And be proud of it!
I told her that I wasn't going for Hilary, because I just couldn't deal with another potential president who simply didn't know what they were doing. Hilary has been in politics as long as her husband, Bill Clinton. And she didn't know that Texas had both a primary, and a coucas? How could she not know that? Obama had only been working in politics since 2002, which means 2008 was his sixth year in politics. He seemed to know enough about Texas, to beat Hilary Clinton. If I'm gonna vote for somebody, they have to very articulate, educated, and a leader. Obama seemed to have all of these traits, which Hilary seemed to lack.
Addie didn't know that Hilary could be that incompetent, nor did she hear about Hilary admitting to her incompetence and saying that she didn't know Texas had both a primary and a coucas. So Addie and I didn't have time to argue about this subject, because she was busy with something else. But I felt like I had finally won a discussion with her. I said to myself, "I won!"
I had some great times with my old friends, and some who I'm currently friends with. There were joyful moments that I spent with them. We would watch movies together, I would usually buy the tickets, and never really allowed them to pay me back. We not only had superficial friendships, but we managed to connect a deeper and more emotional level, because of our different issues and personal problems that we related to each other on. So after many weeks of getting to know one another, we would hang out more, watch movies, and even went to a house party once, which was conducted by my old friend Addie. We'd usually butt-heads alot, and never really got along, but I learned alot from her, and I'm still glad that she was my friend. Same goes for my other close friends like Antony, Janet, and Theo, also close friends of mine who gave me great advice, and cared about my well being.
But by April of 2007, I wasn't really thinking about Addie anymore. Granted, I was distracted with the awfulness of "Ghost Rider", the new homo erotic action flick called "300", and trying to actually hang out with Anthony and Edie without feeling like choking myself.
But my attention turned towards another girl. And boy, she was a Puerto Rican spite fire! By the early summer of 2007, I was falling in love with a gorgeous Puerto Rican girl named Cassie, who basically had no interest in me at all. But I loved her, I loved her alot! Actually, it wasn't love, it was lust! I lusted after her, and I think she knew it. Women know when men are looking at them and lusting after them, they have a sixth sense about that sort of thing. At that time, she might of been the most beautiful person that had ever spoken to me, much less look at me. I forget the color of her eyes, but she had these incredible looking eyes, and amazing curves. One of the best bodies I had ever seen. She said that she exercised alot, and took kick-boxing classes. I was like, "Kick me, kick me!" I just couldn't stop looking at her. She was my dream girl, she was a Latina, and she was hot! I obsessed over her, I wanted her, I couldn't stop thinking about her, and I was in lust with her all the time. Which is one of the seven deadly sins. She had this dangerous beauty about her that only the best poet could write about. She looked so pretty, and so hardcore at the same time. Like she could give you a sweet hug and kiss, and then tear you to pieces the next moment. I loved that! I wanted her to punch me, hurt me, or bite me. And she did bit my finger once, because I was annoying her, and it was painful, but I really liked it. It was a fond memory to remember her by. But sadly, she just wasn't that into me.
We flirted at times, but that's all it was. In the end, I wasn't her type, and my heart was broken. My crush on her started around April of 07, and it didn't stop until early 2008. But she broke my heart in October of 2007, and I was deeply depressed. I basically obsessed over women most of my life. I wanted a girlfriend, I wanted to move in with a woman, I wanted to get married, and maybe have kids. Personally, I really wanted women to worship me, and follow every word that I spoke, and every move that I made. I basically wanted to be Robert Pattison, Brad Pitt, and Johnny Depp all mixed into one. But it wasn't happening, and I was stuck with my pathetic little life.
To make things worse, I had a following out with an ex-girlfriend of mine named Nikki. We use to date back in San Antonio, and she was cute. Nothing special, but really cute. She had nice eyes, she had alot of meat on her bones, and pretty nice curves. She was part Black, and Mexican, so she was a really nice mix. At one point, she wanted to commit suicide. And with the help of others, I managed to keep her from killing herself, and that was back in 2002. We started dating around 2003, we broke up, got back together, broke up, and got back together. I remember we had one great date when we saw this terrible movie called "You Got Served." It absolutely sucked, but it was the perfect moment to make out with her for almost two hours. I loved kissing, she had so much passion, and pain behind her kisses. I could almost feel the yearning, and anguish within her soul every time we kissed. It actually wasn't that deep, but it certainly felt like it. And it worth buying two tickets for that awful movie. And if anybody else suffered through that flick, I just want to apologize for reminding you of it's existence.
Anyways, we had to break up, due to the fact that my mother and I were moving to New York City. And I wasn't gonna suffer through any long distance relationship crap, where you're wondering what your girl is doing in another state, while I would be trying to sleep with every girl in New York. I wasn't gonna play her like that, or lie to her. So after awhile, we just remained as friends. But in around the summer of 2007, she called me and wanted to visit me. She asked me if I had any girlfriends or if was interested in somebody. And I don't think I told her the amount of women that I was interested in, but I did tell her that I had some crushes, but that I could put them aside for her. See, I was so lonely, that I was willing to have my ex come up to New York for a while, so that I can finally lose my virginity, and have at least two or three weeks of sex. Then she would go home, we would go our separate ways, and I'd try to sleep with other women, with a bit more confidence, knowing that I was finally a man, and that I had finally slept with a woman.
Well that didn't happen. After Cassie broke my heart, Niki told me that she found a new guy, and they were getting close, because he got close to her mother, so he basically went from being a shoulder for her to cry on, to being an actual boyfriend. I was angry, and I basically cursed her out on Myspace. Called her all types of names, and said some things that shouldn't of been said. I think her older brother threatened to kill me, and so did her boyfriend. Mostly because they were Latin Kings, so they could of actually killed me, but I didn't care. I was too depressed to live, so I just kept cursing all three of them out until I finally got bored, removed her from my friends list on Myspace, and stopped talking to her for good. She was also a good friend of mine, and I wish things could of been different.
But 2007 wasn't all that bad of a year. Eva Yojimbo still couldn't shut up about recommending "Neon Genenesis Evangelion" to me. I was so lonely, that I almost had Jehovah Witnesses coming over to study the Bible with me, which my mother absolutely refused to allow me to do, and kept them away from our house. I think she probably told security about them, but whatever. I don't really have any ill feelings towards them, they were just trying to reach out, and the conversation helped me out alot during that time.
"Transformers" came out during that Summer, on July 3rd. And while it wasn't a good film, it was certainly better then "Spiderman 3", and "Pirates of the Caribbean 3." And the Coen Brothers came out with one of the few films that I'd call an absolute masterpiece, and actually a perfect film in just about every sense of the word. That movie is called "No Country For Old Men." It couldn't of come out at a more perfect time, because my heart was crushed by Cassie, I had a big falling out with my ex-girlfriend, and Addie. I still hated the fact that Anthony and Edie were dating each other, and that Jay was having a girlfriend too. And she was like one of my closest buddies, and we use to share our loneliness with each other, and deal with the fact that we were single, and didn't have anybody. And then when she began to see a girl, I basically just gave up on my life, and figured that I would never be with anybody.
I wasn't going to kill myself, but it was starting to get to that point again. I felt like dying when my grandmother passed away in November of 2004, exactly the day before Thanksgiving day. And I chose to be hospitalized in March of 2005, because I knew that I needed the help. So a lot of things were hitting me in 2007 that was just putting me in a state of depression, so "No Country For Old Men" was perfect. It was about despair, isolation, a world with no God, it was nihilistic, it was violent, depressing, angry, frightening, terrifying, and it showed me that my life meant absolutely nothing. That life means nothing, and that we're just living in a chaotic world, that has no real meaning. Sure, there are some coincidences, there might be some fate, but in the end, it's just all an illusion. We come, we live, we die, and that's it. There's no purpose, no reason, and no life after death. There's just this terrible life that I got for a short period of time, and then I will just wither away. Nobody would remember me, nobody would miss me, nobody would even talk about me. "No Country For Old Men" wasn't just literally about no country for old men, it was about a world with no hope, no God, and no salvation for anybody. I realized at that particular time in my life, that spirituality was just a figment of ones imagination, and that it really all came down to the survival of the fittest. Nobody really cared about each other, and I certainly didn't care about myself. It was all about me, me and me. And nothing more. The Coen Brothers did a masterful job with "No Country For Old Men", and it spoke to me, during a time when I was in great despair.
Then another great nihilistic film came out called "There Will Be Blood." If you haven't seen the film, it's extraordinary. Great performances, great aesthetics, brilliant direction, and probably the most unique musical score that I can remember within the last 5 or 10 years. And the ending basically shows what the title really means. That with the discovery of oil, there will be blood. When our greedy nature gets the best of us, there will be blood. Personally, I thought it was an attack on God in some cases. Daniel Plainview is one of the few characters in cinema to take on God, and basically survive, but with a major cost of his sanity, and the relationship that he had with his son. But the whole time, I just loved his anger towards God and that hypocrite named Eli Sunday. I hated Eli Sunday. He reminded me of those disgusting priests who were exposed that have abused children. And that the Catholic Church probably tried to cover it up, and even allowing them to get away with it. It was disgusting, and it revealed just how morally corrupt religion can be. So if you hate religion as much as I did back then, you might love "There Will Be Blood." It definitely spoke to me.
Because at that time, I was angry at God for not giving me the best father in the world, who actually picked on my faith when I was a little kid, and physically abused me as a child. I was angry at God, for not saving those 3,000+ lives that were taken during those terrorist attacks on September 11th of 2001. I was angry towards God for not saving those poor people who died in New Orleans in August of 2005. I was angry at him, for not giving me a girlfriend, or giving me the perfect life that my mother was hoping for in New York City. My mother and I moved from San Antonio Texas, to New York City, because she was scared for her life. My father hit her right arm, she locked herself in the bathroom, called the cops to get him thrown out, and that's basically why we moved. Because after the cops told him to move, we packed up his stuff, and left it outside for him to pick it up. I had a good friend named Rudy, who's mother helped us out during that time. She drove my mother to pick me up from another friends house, because my mother was so shocked by what my father did, that she couldn't even drive. And the reason that I didn't try to leave my friends house to beat down my father for hitting my mother, is because they were protecting me. My other friends name was Michael, and both he and his sister kept me from leaving the house that day, so that I wouldn't try to fight my father, get arrested, and go to prison. That's why I had to wait, and wonder if my mother was even alive. But when I look back at that moment, God wanted to protect me. He used Michael and his sister Chantel to shelter me, and keep out of harms way. Because if I had found a way to leave that house, and get to my house to confront my father, the situation would of been alot worse. And that entire event gave my mother PTSD, which stands for Post-Tramatic-Stress-Disorder.
She was having nightmares about him, she couldn't sleep at night, and she even screamed for her life and attacked me, because I wanted to wake her up for breakfast or something. But the point is that my father had frightened her, and we had to move to New York City, because she was scared for her life, and she basically wanted to be with her family ever since the terrorist attacks happened on September 11th, 2001. While a lot of the humans didn't want to be in New York City during that time, my mother NEEDED to come back to New York, because she wanted to be with her family. I don't know if she felt like her presence would keep the terrorists from doing anything else, or if that anything were to happen, she would be there to either die with our family, or help our family in need. I don't really know, she just had to come to New York City and live there. So we did, and it was not all what she hyped it up to be. It was a long struggle. I was very reclusive, and afraid to go outside sometimes. But I manage to get through it, and become a real New Yorker.
Of course, I had some great times. There were joyful moments that I spend with my friends. We would watch movies together, while I would buy the tickets, and never really allowed them to pay me back.
But even with some of that joy, I still couldn't ignore the pain that I was going through. I had some crushes on the girls who were going to the group therapy sessions. And they either had a boyfriend, another boyfriend, or just weren't interested in me at all. I had thoughts of suicide, but realized that wouldn't of been fair to my mother, who would've mourned me, and probably killed herself as well. So I continued on with my pain, and attempt to be content with it. I probably enjoyed being depressed, and looking at life from a bleak and empty existence. Which is why I appreciated the joyful moments, because I knew they wouldn't last.
But during all of these things that were happening during my personal life, Eva Yojimbo kept recommending me to watch "Neon Genesis Evangelion." He basically couldn't stop shutting up about it, and I guess God realized that I needed something to bring me out of the hole that I was sinking into. I remember having debates with different people online about "2001: A Space Odyssey", and how many chapters were actually in the film. I use to pay attention to the facts that are given to us within the film, and that are three chapters, not four. But people would argue that there are four, once Bowen starts going through his Stargate sequence. Whatever, I still say it's three chapters and nothing more or less. But when I would go outside and go shopping at Best Buy for whatever Dvd that I was going to kept when I'd have more money, I always come across the image of "Neon Genesis Evangelion." While I never felt the need to buy it and watch it, the cover looked so gorgeous. You see, it was the Platinum Edition that I was looking at. And on the cover was this silver looking paint on it, with a nice picture of Rei Ayanami, and it just really intrigued me.
When I would go home, I couldn't get the cover out of my read, nor the reviews on the back of it. On the back of the cover, there's a review by www.aintitcoolnews.com, that considered "Evangelion" to be anime's perfect storm. A phenomenon on par with "The Matrix", "Harry Potter", and "Star Wars." And that plenty of works will try to reproduce it, but ultimately it will stand alone.
That review really pegged my interest, because I love aintitcoolnews. Their geeks are just like me, and proud of it. They love films, anime, graphic novels, books, and comic-books. So after all of Yojimbo's recommendations, I decided to blind-buy "Evangelion", which is a scary thing to do. Because I don't have alot of money, so paying 60 bucks for a 26 episode anime title that I didn't really know anything about, was very risky and secondly I hadn't seriously watched an anime in a couple years.
After awhile, I just got bored with anime. Naruto was uninteresting, I was tired of "Dragon Ball Z", "Death Note" seemed very dull, and "Bleach" just never caught my interest. So all the new animes kept me from getting back into anime. And looking at the cover and plot synopsis of "Evangelion", you would think it was just another story about kids who pilot mechas. And well, I was pleasantly surprised. "Evangelion" turned out to be the greatest blind-buy I would ever get, and something that I would never regret.
Very depressing years
My personal walk to find myself started around 2006 and 2007, as I was getting into heated debates, discussions, and arguments with different people on IMDB. I had been a member of IMDB since 2005, always made regular comments there, and had many interesting discussions and arguments.
But 2007 was different; my discussions principally mainly involved "2001: A Space Odyssey", and it was also first time that I had ever heard of an anime called "Neon Genesis Evangelion."
One of the members named Eva Yojimbo, just constantly kept recommending to watch the anime "Neon Genesis Evangelion." I couldn't understand why he was so obsessed over it, or how he could compare a cartoon to great cinema like "2001: A Space Odyssey", "Blade Runner", "Seven Samurai", "Mulholland Drive", or "Vertigo." And not only did he rank them next to those films, he put it above them! I was shocked, and became curious with this obsessive love he had towards "Evangelion."
While I was through all these different discussions and debates in 2007, my life was in a constant state of depression. I kept feeling like I was going down a black hole, and couldn't find a way out. All four walls were crushing me and I didn't know what to do. My heart was filled with sorrow, and despair. I hated the fact that I couldn't get a girlfriend, and that I was a recluse. I would avoid the pain, by playing video games all day, or just expressing my anger towards my family and what few friends I had during that time. My depression didn't get any better, as my geek world seemed to be falling apart around me. Comic-books felt empty, shallow, and repetitive to me. I subjected myself to awful comic-book adaptations like "Ghost Rider", and "Spiderman 3." And even video games didn't seem to fill that emptiness within my heart.
So my geek life was in hades during that time. I had to endure the bloated and mindless "X-Men 3" one of the worst experiences of my life. I was disappointed in "Superman Returns" for having a boring story, and no action at all. It was basically a CGI version of Richard Donner's original movie, without a good story, more plot-holes, and a nonexistent interesting love story.
Then the very next year came the dreadful "Ghost Rider" flick, with Nicholas Cage. It made excellent money at the box office, but I felt as if I had completely wasted my time and money on one of the most empty experiences of my life. And then came "Spiderman 3", one of the biggest cinematic disappointments in recent memory.
It just felt like everything was crashing around me. My personal life was uninteresting, my geek life with comic-books wasn't that exciting, and superhero films were getting worse. In fact, the only great comic-book adaptations that I saw during that time, came out in 2005. And those films were "Batman Begins" and "Sin City."
Yet that year also had these dreadful flicks, "Elektra" and "Fantastic Four."
2005 wasn't a great year for comic book fans like me, yearning for just ONE great year at the cinemas for superhero films, and comic-book adaptations. No, 2005 was not the year, when my walk toward spiritualism really got started; it definitely began in late 2006, and the summer of 2007.
That summer was an intense time and anxious time in my life. I was 20 years old, and I had a crush on a girl named Addie, but we couldn't stop arguing. We almost began to fight each other at Barnes N Noble at Union Square, which is one of the biggest, and most beautiful Barnes N Nobles that I have ever seen.
Yes, we caused a scene that day in late June of 2007, and we haven't talked much since then. We reconciled for a bit, but she became very busy with her political campaign work and that took up most of her time.
She was so such a cute girl, with an incredible body and a spirited personality. She was always open about her sex life, political views, and many other things. I loved her so much, but I had to argue with her. I had to constantly debate her, and I had to win those debates. I wanted her to bow down, and acknowledge my intelligence and masculinity as a man. But that never happened.
I remember we got into a huge argument about George W. Bush. I claimed that he was a do nothing President. She became angry, and called my argument one of the most idiotic, and asinine things that she had ever heard spoken by anyone. Well, technically, she was right. George W. Bush was never a do nothing President. He fought a war in Afghanistan post 9/11/2001, he started an unnecessary war in Iraq, and cut taxes for the rich.
Yet I loved it when Addie got mad, because it turned me on. Seeing her get angry, her face turning red gave me immense satisfaction, and made me want her even more. Therefore, I didn't try to correct my statements and tell here that I did think Bush had performed and promoted legislation to assist people who were poor or in need of help."
That would of been the right thing to say, since it had merit. Emphasizing that Bush didn't do anything, was completely false on my part. He did do many things for all American citizens albeit more for the rich...his base...but he accomplished much in his administration, and that's an absolute fact!
Our argument happened late 2006. It must of been in December, because two of my best friends Anthony and Edie became a couple around November, and were just getting closer to each other , and couldn't stop making out in public. I envied Anthony for having her, because I had a crush on her too. I envied Anthony, for being better looking then me. But then I started envying his relationship with Edie, and the connection they had, the love and compassion. It was all there, and I really needed that in my life. This was basically three years before God would find that special person who would fill that void in my life, and bring me back to him. So in 2006, I was an emotional wreck. Two of the girls that I wanted the most were with somebody else. One of them probably felt like I was an annoying little brat(Addie), while the other just liked me as a friend(Edie). And I felt like my life just SUCKED!
Still, 2006 wasn't an entirely bad year. I got to see some great films like "Babel" and "Pan's Labyrinth." "Pan's Labyrinth" one an incredible experience, and one of the most violent fantasy films ever written. And basically most fantasy tales are pretty violent, even the ones that are dumbed down by Disney movies. Therefore, "Pan's Labyrinth" hit the mark when it got made.
Guillermo Del Toro did an excellent job and I gained genuine faith in him as a filmmaker. Because while his other film "Blade 2" was an awesome spectacle, it had no substance, and it was basically emotionless screen drivel so I didn't really care about the journey.
I rooted more for the villain in that movie, than I rooted for "Blade." And I was a huge "Blade" fanboy during that time. I loved the comics, and read alot of them, and the original film was one of the greatest marvel adaptations to this day. Probably even better then "Spiderman 2" in some cases.
"The Descent" was a fantastic horror flick, that actually scared the crap out of me. One of the great modern horror films, in an era where torture porn still seems popular among so-called horror fans. I'm sorry, but "Saw" and "Hostel" are not horror films. They're snuff flicks, dressed up as horror films.
My personal favorite films that year were "Inland Empire", "Brick", and "Half Nelson." I saw "Brick" like 5 or 6 times in the theater. I would go to the Anjelika Theater, and it was always an incredible experience. It's one of the most absorbing, original, and perfectly acted film-noirs ever made. And it showed Joseph Gordon Levitt's incredible strength as an actor, and fascinating charisma. I saw "Inland Empire" around the fall of 2007. It was a blind-buy, but that didn't matter, because I was already well educated on David Lynch during that time and knew that I was going to love. And as far as I'm concerned, it's still the best film of 2006, and you can't really find a film to compare it too. It's just a three hour dream sequence.
The best performance of 2006 was "Half Nelson" starring Ryan Gosling, who showed an astounding range of emotions in every scene.
Forrest Whittaker's performance in "The Last King Of Scotland", was phenominal but the Oscar should of gone to Ryan Gosling, for giving one of the most convincing performances of a drug addict that I have ever seen. I also felt that Clint Eastwood deserved the Oscar that year for best director instead of Martin Scorsese, but I was happy Scorsese won, because of all the great work that he's done in his career so far. I'm sure he still has a more great films left in him.
There were other good or films that year. "Letters From Iwo Jima", "Children of Men", "The Prestige", "The Departed", "Volver", "Little Miss Sunshine", "The Queen", "The Pursuit of Happiness", "Little Children", "Notes on a Scandal", "United 93", "The Last King of Scotland", and many others. There were powerful documentaries like "When the Levees Broke", and "Jesus Camp." So overall, 2006 was a really good year for cinema. Much better then 2005 in my opinion, but none of this is really important. I'm just giving you a window into my love for cinema. This is barely the tip of the Ice Burg. But my main focus is on how God put together so many crazy things in line, in order for me to get back to him. And not just my geek life, but in my personal life as well.
By the end of 2006, I didn't feel like I had a purpose, I was obsessed with movies, obsessed with girls, and obsessed with Bragelina! When I would I see my therapist, I wouldn't really talk about myself, because I never felt like there was anything of interest to talk about. I was thinking about girls, masturbating alot, watching porn, playing video games, watching movies, thinking about whatever Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were doing. And that was it. I didn't feel like talking about the fact that I was yelling and arguing with my mother most of the time. I didn't want to talk about my depression, sadness, or my anger towards God. I didn't want to talk about the fact that I wanted to be with Addie, Eddie, or whatever girl that went past me.
I was pissed that Addie wasn't my girlfriend. She was beautiful, articulate, quirky, had a great body, and was very opinionated. And we were so opinionated, that it basically ruined whatever friendship that we could of had. I also use to feel bullied by her as well. She use to pick on me for being a virgin, and just poked fun at me for any reason. But when I finally lost my tempter and told her to "eff off", our friendship just ended. We didn't fight, or have a huge yelling match. But that episode was enough for us to realize that we couldn't be around each other anymore. Our falling out happened around June of 2007. Which made me sad, because she was a good friend of mine.
The last time I talked to her was during April or March of 2008. We just bumped into each other and caught on some of the things that we were doing. I told her that I was making new friends on meetup.com, and she told me that she was busy with all the campaigning and stuff. She was for Hillary, and I was for Obama. For all I know, we could of been married in another lifetime, with the amount of differences that we had. Because let's face it, opposites attract, but she definitely wasn't attracted to me, and she still had her boyfriend at that time.
So we basically got into a discussion about who was the better candidate, Barack Obama or Hilary Clinton. To me, she basically liked Hilary because she's a woman. That's basically all I got from her. And Addie was the perfect feminist, for the fact that she was open with her sexuality, her political views, and voicing her opinions. So the very fact that she was a Hilary supported did not surprise me.
And she knew who I was voting for, because she knew my stance on racism in politics, and how I use to feel that America was like the most racist state in the world. So I told her that I was voting for Obama, because he is Black. Or at least has alot of black in him. That was my whole reason for voting for him in 2008.
I didn't care about his political views, even though I agreed with alot of them, I didn't care about his life story, his nice family, or the fact that he grew up as a mix of different races and cultures in his blood, just like me. I'm part West Indian, Danish, Native American, and Indian. So while I loved his political views, and can relate to how he grew up, I didn't care about that. I only wanted to see a Black man as President. I wanted to grow up in a world where I could say, "My President is BLACK!" And be proud of it!
I told her that I wasn't going for Hilary, because I just couldn't deal with another potential president who simply didn't know what they were doing. Hilary has been in politics as long as her husband, Bill Clinton. And she didn't know that Texas had both a primary, and a coucas? How could she not know that? Obama had only been working in politics since 2002, which means 2008 was his sixth year in politics. He seemed to know enough about Texas, to beat Hilary Clinton. If I'm gonna vote for somebody, they have to very articulate, educated, and a leader. Obama seemed to have all of these traits, which Hilary seemed to lack.
Addie didn't know that Hilary could be that incompetent, nor did she hear about Hilary admitting to her incompetence and saying that she didn't know Texas had both a primary and a coucas. So Addie and I didn't have time to argue about this subject, because she was busy with something else. But I felt like I had finally won a discussion with her. I said to myself, "I won!"
I had some great times with my old friends, and some who I'm currently friends with. There were joyful moments that I spent with them. We would watch movies together, I would usually buy the tickets, and never really allowed them to pay me back. We not only had superficial friendships, but we managed to connect a deeper and more emotional level, because of our different issues and personal problems that we related to each other on. So after many weeks of getting to know one another, we would hang out more, watch movies, and even went to a house party once, which was conducted by my old friend Addie. We'd usually butt-heads alot, and never really got along, but I learned alot from her, and I'm still glad that she was my friend. Same goes for my other close friends like Antony, Janet, and Theo, also close friends of mine who gave me great advice, and cared about my well being.
But by April of 2007, I wasn't really thinking about Addie anymore. Granted, I was distracted with the awfulness of "Ghost Rider", the new homo erotic action flick called "300", and trying to actually hang out with Anthony and Edie without feeling like choking myself.
But my attention turned towards another girl. And boy, she was a Puerto Rican spite fire! By the early summer of 2007, I was falling in love with a gorgeous Puerto Rican girl named Cassie, who basically had no interest in me at all. But I loved her, I loved her alot! Actually, it wasn't love, it was lust! I lusted after her, and I think she knew it. Women know when men are looking at them and lusting after them, they have a sixth sense about that sort of thing. At that time, she might of been the most beautiful person that had ever spoken to me, much less look at me. I forget the color of her eyes, but she had these incredible looking eyes, and amazing curves. One of the best bodies I had ever seen. She said that she exercised alot, and took kick-boxing classes. I was like, "Kick me, kick me!" I just couldn't stop looking at her. She was my dream girl, she was a Latina, and she was hot! I obsessed over her, I wanted her, I couldn't stop thinking about her, and I was in lust with her all the time. Which is one of the seven deadly sins. She had this dangerous beauty about her that only the best poet could write about. She looked so pretty, and so hardcore at the same time. Like she could give you a sweet hug and kiss, and then tear you to pieces the next moment. I loved that! I wanted her to punch me, hurt me, or bite me. And she did bit my finger once, because I was annoying her, and it was painful, but I really liked it. It was a fond memory to remember her by. But sadly, she just wasn't that into me.
We flirted at times, but that's all it was. In the end, I wasn't her type, and my heart was broken. My crush on her started around April of 07, and it didn't stop until early 2008. But she broke my heart in October of 2007, and I was deeply depressed. I basically obsessed over women most of my life. I wanted a girlfriend, I wanted to move in with a woman, I wanted to get married, and maybe have kids. Personally, I really wanted women to worship me, and follow every word that I spoke, and every move that I made. I basically wanted to be Robert Pattison, Brad Pitt, and Johnny Depp all mixed into one. But it wasn't happening, and I was stuck with my pathetic little life.
To make things worse, I had a following out with an ex-girlfriend of mine named Nikki. We use to date back in San Antonio, and she was cute. Nothing special, but really cute. She had nice eyes, she had alot of meat on her bones, and pretty nice curves. She was part Black, and Mexican, so she was a really nice mix. At one point, she wanted to commit suicide. And with the help of others, I managed to keep her from killing herself, and that was back in 2002. We started dating around 2003, we broke up, got back together, broke up, and got back together. I remember we had one great date when we saw this terrible movie called "You Got Served." It absolutely sucked, but it was the perfect moment to make out with her for almost two hours. I loved kissing, she had so much passion, and pain behind her kisses. I could almost feel the yearning, and anguish within her soul every time we kissed. It actually wasn't that deep, but it certainly felt like it. And it worth buying two tickets for that awful movie. And if anybody else suffered through that flick, I just want to apologize for reminding you of it's existence.
Anyways, we had to break up, due to the fact that my mother and I were moving to New York City. And I wasn't gonna suffer through any long distance relationship crap, where you're wondering what your girl is doing in another state, while I would be trying to sleep with every girl in New York. I wasn't gonna play her like that, or lie to her. So after awhile, we just remained as friends. But in around the summer of 2007, she called me and wanted to visit me. She asked me if I had any girlfriends or if was interested in somebody. And I don't think I told her the amount of women that I was interested in, but I did tell her that I had some crushes, but that I could put them aside for her. See, I was so lonely, that I was willing to have my ex come up to New York for a while, so that I can finally lose my virginity, and have at least two or three weeks of sex. Then she would go home, we would go our separate ways, and I'd try to sleep with other women, with a bit more confidence, knowing that I was finally a man, and that I had finally slept with a woman.
Well that didn't happen. After Cassie broke my heart, Niki told me that she found a new guy, and they were getting close, because he got close to her mother, so he basically went from being a shoulder for her to cry on, to being an actual boyfriend. I was angry, and I basically cursed her out on Myspace. Called her all types of names, and said some things that shouldn't of been said. I think her older brother threatened to kill me, and so did her boyfriend. Mostly because they were Latin Kings, so they could of actually killed me, but I didn't care. I was too depressed to live, so I just kept cursing all three of them out until I finally got bored, removed her from my friends list on Myspace, and stopped talking to her for good. She was also a good friend of mine, and I wish things could of been different.
But 2007 wasn't all that bad of a year. Eva Yojimbo still couldn't shut up about recommending "Neon Genenesis Evangelion" to me. I was so lonely, that I almost had Jehovah Witnesses coming over to study the Bible with me, which my mother absolutely refused to allow me to do, and kept them away from our house. I think she probably told security about them, but whatever. I don't really have any ill feelings towards them, they were just trying to reach out, and the conversation helped me out alot during that time.
"Transformers" came out during that Summer, on July 3rd. And while it wasn't a good film, it was certainly better then "Spiderman 3", and "Pirates of the Caribbean 3." And the Coen Brothers came out with one of the few films that I'd call an absolute masterpiece, and actually a perfect film in just about every sense of the word. That movie is called "No Country For Old Men." It couldn't of come out at a more perfect time, because my heart was crushed by Cassie, I had a big falling out with my ex-girlfriend, and Addie. I still hated the fact that Anthony and Edie were dating each other, and that Jay was having a girlfriend too. And she was like one of my closest buddies, and we use to share our loneliness with each other, and deal with the fact that we were single, and didn't have anybody. And then when she began to see a girl, I basically just gave up on my life, and figured that I would never be with anybody.
I wasn't going to kill myself, but it was starting to get to that point again. I felt like dying when my grandmother passed away in November of 2004, exactly the day before Thanksgiving day. And I chose to be hospitalized in March of 2005, because I knew that I needed the help. So a lot of things were hitting me in 2007 that was just putting me in a state of depression, so "No Country For Old Men" was perfect. It was about despair, isolation, a world with no God, it was nihilistic, it was violent, depressing, angry, frightening, terrifying, and it showed me that my life meant absolutely nothing. That life means nothing, and that we're just living in a chaotic world, that has no real meaning. Sure, there are some coincidences, there might be some fate, but in the end, it's just all an illusion. We come, we live, we die, and that's it. There's no purpose, no reason, and no life after death. There's just this terrible life that I got for a short period of time, and then I will just wither away. Nobody would remember me, nobody would miss me, nobody would even talk about me. "No Country For Old Men" wasn't just literally about no country for old men, it was about a world with no hope, no God, and no salvation for anybody. I realized at that particular time in my life, that spirituality was just a figment of ones imagination, and that it really all came down to the survival of the fittest. Nobody really cared about each other, and I certainly didn't care about myself. It was all about me, me and me. And nothing more. The Coen Brothers did a masterful job with "No Country For Old Men", and it spoke to me, during a time when I was in great despair.
Then another great nihilistic film came out called "There Will Be Blood." If you haven't seen the film, it's extraordinary. Great performances, great aesthetics, brilliant direction, and probably the most unique musical score that I can remember within the last 5 or 10 years. And the ending basically shows what the title really means. That with the discovery of oil, there will be blood. When our greedy nature gets the best of us, there will be blood. Personally, I thought it was an attack on God in some cases. Daniel Plainview is one of the few characters in cinema to take on God, and basically survive, but with a major cost of his sanity, and the relationship that he had with his son. But the whole time, I just loved his anger towards God and that hypocrite named Eli Sunday. I hated Eli Sunday. He reminded me of those disgusting priests who were exposed that have abused children. And that the Catholic Church probably tried to cover it up, and even allowing them to get away with it. It was disgusting, and it revealed just how morally corrupt religion can be. So if you hate religion as much as I did back then, you might love "There Will Be Blood." It definitely spoke to me.
Because at that time, I was angry at God for not giving me the best father in the world, who actually picked on my faith when I was a little kid, and physically abused me as a child. I was angry at God, for not saving those 3,000+ lives that were taken during those terrorist attacks on September 11th of 2001. I was angry towards God for not saving those poor people who died in New Orleans in August of 2005. I was angry at him, for not giving me a girlfriend, or giving me the perfect life that my mother was hoping for in New York City. My mother and I moved from San Antonio Texas, to New York City, because she was scared for her life. My father hit her right arm, she locked herself in the bathroom, called the cops to get him thrown out, and that's basically why we moved. Because after the cops told him to move, we packed up his stuff, and left it outside for him to pick it up. I had a good friend named Rudy, who's mother helped us out during that time. She drove my mother to pick me up from another friends house, because my mother was so shocked by what my father did, that she couldn't even drive. And the reason that I didn't try to leave my friends house to beat down my father for hitting my mother, is because they were protecting me. My other friends name was Michael, and both he and his sister kept me from leaving the house that day, so that I wouldn't try to fight my father, get arrested, and go to prison. That's why I had to wait, and wonder if my mother was even alive. But when I look back at that moment, God wanted to protect me. He used Michael and his sister Chantel to shelter me, and keep out of harms way. Because if I had found a way to leave that house, and get to my house to confront my father, the situation would of been alot worse. And that entire event gave my mother PTSD, which stands for Post-Tramatic-Stress-Disorder.
She was having nightmares about him, she couldn't sleep at night, and she even screamed for her life and attacked me, because I wanted to wake her up for breakfast or something. But the point is that my father had frightened her, and we had to move to New York City, because she was scared for her life, and she basically wanted to be with her family ever since the terrorist attacks happened on September 11th, 2001. While a lot of the humans didn't want to be in New York City during that time, my mother NEEDED to come back to New York, because she wanted to be with her family. I don't know if she felt like her presence would keep the terrorists from doing anything else, or if that anything were to happen, she would be there to either die with our family, or help our family in need. I don't really know, she just had to come to New York City and live there. So we did, and it was not all what she hyped it up to be. It was a long struggle. I was very reclusive, and afraid to go outside sometimes. But I manage to get through it, and become a real New Yorker.
Of course, I had some great times. There were joyful moments that I spend with my friends. We would watch movies together, while I would buy the tickets, and never really allowed them to pay me back.
But even with some of that joy, I still couldn't ignore the pain that I was going through. I had some crushes on the girls who were going to the group therapy sessions. And they either had a boyfriend, another boyfriend, or just weren't interested in me at all. I had thoughts of suicide, but realized that wouldn't of been fair to my mother, who would've mourned me, and probably killed herself as well. So I continued on with my pain, and attempt to be content with it. I probably enjoyed being depressed, and looking at life from a bleak and empty existence. Which is why I appreciated the joyful moments, because I knew they wouldn't last.
But during all of these things that were happening during my personal life, Eva Yojimbo kept recommending me to watch "Neon Genesis Evangelion." He basically couldn't stop shutting up about it, and I guess God realized that I needed something to bring me out of the hole that I was sinking into. I remember having debates with different people online about "2001: A Space Odyssey", and how many chapters were actually in the film. I use to pay attention to the facts that are given to us within the film, and that are three chapters, not four. But people would argue that there are four, once Bowen starts going through his Stargate sequence. Whatever, I still say it's three chapters and nothing more or less. But when I would go outside and go shopping at Best Buy for whatever Dvd that I was going to kept when I'd have more money, I always come across the image of "Neon Genesis Evangelion." While I never felt the need to buy it and watch it, the cover looked so gorgeous. You see, it was the Platinum Edition that I was looking at. And on the cover was this silver looking paint on it, with a nice picture of Rei Ayanami, and it just really intrigued me.
When I would go home, I couldn't get the cover out of my read, nor the reviews on the back of it. On the back of the cover, there's a review by www.aintitcoolnews.com, that considered "Evangelion" to be anime's perfect storm. A phenomenon on par with "The Matrix", "Harry Potter", and "Star Wars." And that plenty of works will try to reproduce it, but ultimately it will stand alone.
That review really pegged my interest, because I love aintitcoolnews. Their geeks are just like me, and proud of it. They love films, anime, graphic novels, books, and comic-books. So after all of Yojimbo's recommendations, I decided to blind-buy "Evangelion", which is a scary thing to do. Because I don't have alot of money, so paying 60 bucks for a 26 episode anime title that I didn't really know anything about, was very risky and secondly I hadn't seriously watched an anime in a couple years.
After awhile, I just got bored with anime. Naruto was uninteresting, I was tired of "Dragon Ball Z", "Death Note" seemed very dull, and "Bleach" just never caught my interest. So all the new animes kept me from getting back into anime. And looking at the cover and plot synopsis of "Evangelion", you would think it was just another story about kids who pilot mechas. And well, I was pleasantly surprised. "Evangelion" turned out to be the greatest blind-buy I would ever get, and something that I would never regret.
My Walk with God and Evangelion: Chapter 2(((edited version)))
2008
A better year
Once I made the decision to watch "Evangelion", I went to Best Buy on 23rd street and broadway. And bought the whole series. Now the series consists of 26 episodes, and a movie called "End of Evangelion." But "End of Evangelion" is sold separately from the series. And at the time I bought the series, the movie was out of print.
Luckily, I was told that it was available at Netflix.com, so I had plenty of patience. I just wanted to watch the series and see what all the hype was about. So I bought the series for almost 60 dollars, and brought it home to watch. The cover was gorgeous, and I couldn't stop looking at it. Before I bought the series, I use to just browse around Best Buy and look at it for many minutes.
So when Eva Yojimbo kept talking about it, I was very pleased that it was this anime that had the beautiful silver coloring to it. And when I finally watched, it was very addicting. The first episode wasn't as engrossing as I was hoping it would be, but it became more absorbing over the course of it's length. And like most anime series, the episodes were only 20+ minutes long. For awhile, I became cold turkey to anime and forgot how short an episode could be.
So when the first episode had ended, I was pretty startled, because I didn't want it to end. The first episode just kept getting better, and better. The character development was really intelligent, and it was refreshing to see an anime that didn't have a cliche hero who wants to save the entire world, or a one-dimensional tough guy.
The anime is about a teenage boy named Shinji Ikari. He was abandoned by his own father, his mother died at an early age, and he was deeply depressed. On the surface, he's a typical anime character. But underneath, he was really ground breaking for the anime medium. He didn't want to save the world, or pilot a giant mecha.
What teenage boy wouldn't want to pilot a giant mecah?! When I was a 14, I would of loved to pilot a mecha. Shinji not only refused to pilot the robot, but he was whining about it. He didn't want to fight in battle, because his father told him too. If it was anybody else who asked him to pilot the mecha, he would of done it. But since he was told by his own father, he didn't want to do it.
I have never seen anything quit like that in anime. Especially one that involved giant mechas. Which made me even more interested in "Evangelion." Right from the jump, it was turning into one of the most original and unique pieces of cinema I have ever seen.
When Shinji was done whining and telling his father that he didn't want to pilot the giant mecha, they decided to use Rei Ayanami to pilot the giant mecha. She was badly injured after some training session, and could barely get out of the hospital bed that was carrying her. Shinji saw her and had pity on her.
While all of this was happening, a monster called an "Angel" was attacking Tokyo 3. You see, the setting for "Evangelion" takes place during the year 2015 in a city called Tokyo 3. The old Tokyo was destroyed 15 years prior to the events that take place during the anime. An explosion in the year 2000 caused a catastrophe of epic proportions. It was called "Second Impact."
The "Second Impact" almost destroyed Antarctica, and killed half of the human population. During the first half of the series, it's believed that "Second Impact" was caused by a meteorite. Which landed in Antarctica, caused tsunamis, and lead to a global climate change. This also lead to a nuclear war, and Tokyo was nuked during that war.
In the year 2010, an organization called Gehirn changed into the paramilitary organization called Nerv which is headquartered in Tokyo 3. Which is a militarized civilian city located on one of the dry sections of Japan. And that's basically the whole setting of the series during it's first half. What it evolves into during the second half, is incredible.
The job for Nerv, is to fight against the Angels. And the opening of the first episode, shows the third Angel attacking Tokyo 3. Regular weapons prove to be ineffective, which is why giant Mechas are created to fight against them. These mechas are called "Evangelion's."
The characters who were introduced in the first episode were Shinji Ikari, Misato Katsuragi, Rei Ayanami, Gendo Ikari(Shinji's father), Ritsuko Akagi, Kozo Fuyutsuki, and the entire Nerv staff. I just wanted to explain the setting of this anime, so that there is not a lot of confusion. But this is a very complicated work of art. It twists and turns when you least expect it. And has multiple layers within it's narrative.
Now back to the main events that took place during the first episode. Shinji is called upon to pilot an Evangelion called Unit 01.. When he refuses the job, his father decides to use Rei Ayanami. She is physically unable to pilot or do anything, due to the injuries that she received during a training session. Shinji feels pity towards her, and tries to help her out.
But when the Angel attacks, the impact of it's weapon shakes the headquarters and causes it to break a little. So when it attacks, pieces of the roof top are about to fall on both Shinji and Rei. When suddenly, the Evangelion that Shinji was going to pilot, moves it's hand to save Shinji and Rei from dying. It used it's hand to cover both Shinji and Rei, and saved their lives.
When I saw that scene, I was amazed. The Eva was not functional, nor did it move until that moment. So how was it able to move it's own hand? Misato and Ritsuko were asking the same thing. After that moment, Shinji looks at his hand, and it's covered with Rei's blood. He says tom himself, "I'm not gonna run away, I'm not gonna run away, I'm not gonna run away."
Again, I was amazed by the emotional depth of the characters. To me, Shinji was an easy character to root for, and connect with. And once he gained the courage to pilot the Eva, I was hooked. I knew that I would be watching this series to the very end. It was at that moment, I knew that this anime would make some type of impact in my life.
As Shinji got into Unit 01, I was amazed at the amount of details that went into the animation of the Eva, and it's design. The music, and the editing had perfect timing. It just didn't seem to miss a beat.
As the Eva was lifted from Nerv headquarters, to the surface of Tokyo 3, I became more intrigued by the visuals and aesthetics of each shot. And as my anticipation of seeing the Evangelion fight the angel, the episode came to it's conclusion.
I was annoyed because I wanted to see the battle, but I was very intrigued. So I popped in episode 2, and it showed the beginning of the battle, but not the thing until somwhere around the middle of the episode. The first couple scenes show Shinji getting beat down by the angel. This part really shocked me, because in most mecha animes, the hero usually either knows how to pilot the mecah, or figures it out very quickly and destroys the enemy. But this has some more realism to it.
In real life, a teenager with no military experience, would be killed during his(or her) first time in battle. So it made sense that Shinji didn't do so well during his first battle. In fact, it looks like he gets killed by the angel, or knocked unconscious. Misato screams Shinji's name and then it cuts to a shot of Shinji in a Hospital room.
That was some of the best quick-cutting I have ever seen in cinema. I was really into that Battle sequence and kinda on the edge of my seat. So when the quick cut happened, I was shocked, but never got annoyed. I wanted to dee where this series was going, and I was completely engrossed into the tone and atmosphere that it was creating.
Once Shinji gets out of the Hospital. He moves in with Misato, and we get to learn more about her life. She's a complete slob, and a drunk. She doesn't clean up her house, and all she has is beer in her fridge. But it was some very interesting character development, and not something that I had expected.
In most animes and stories from cinema and literature, one of the main heroes is usually not a drunk. And I didn't know that during the time I was watching the anime, because I didn't know a whole lot about literature or anime. But in most cases, the heroes in a story are conventional. While the characters in "Evangelion" were unconventional and didn't seem to fit a single category.
In the second episode, we're introduced to Pen Pen. Who is a hot spring penguin, with a high degree of intelligence. And he's Misato's pet. We get to see the rest of the battle scene, which are both violent, and shocking. Just when you think Shinji and his Evangelion had lost the battle, the Eva goes into berserk mode and starts attacking relentlessly. It's starts operating without any power, or support from Nerv. And it beats the Angel to point where the angel decides to commit a kamikaze of some sort, in order to destroy the Evangelion. It didn't work. The angel exploded, and the Eva survived.
So while it had a lot of realism, it still had that fantasy element behind it. I wasn't expected that. In the third episode, we see how the war against the angels effects the psychological and emotional aspects of Shinji. We're introduced to Toji and Kensuke. Toji hated Shinji at first, because his sister was injured during the battle between Shinji and the angel. The kids at the school figured out that it was Shinji who piloted the Evangelion.
So Toji punched Shinji a couple times to teach him a lesson. He was basically taking out his anger and frustration of Shinji, since he couldn't do anything to help his sister. Kensuke is an otaku and military buff who's hobbies involve camping in the mountains of Tokyo 3, and doing simulated war reenactments by himself. When the fourth Angel comes to attack Tokyo 3, Kensuke solidifies his friendship with Shinji, after Shinji saves both Kensuke and Toji. Kensuke would love to pilot an Evangelion, since he was completely oblivious the physical and psychological stress that the pilots have to endure.
Kensuke is the cliched anime hero, in a mecha anime. He's spirited, and wants to pilot a giant mecha and fight in a war. He's a cliche, but he bounces off of Shinji perfectly, because Shinji is the main hero. We kinda get to see the anti-hero, reflect off of the ordinary anime character during episode 4. Which to me, is the best episode of the first half. Because we finally got to see the series go into a different route.
"Evangelion" is one of the few pieces of cinema that develops it's protagonist through visuals, aesthetics, and images. This is done with Shinji, during the fourth episode. He's completely developed by the end of that episode, and he doesn't have a lot of dialogue. His whole character development is done with the narration other characters like Ritsuke, and Misato. We learn about the Hedgehog dilemma that many people suffer from.
The Hedgehog's dilemma is a concept described by philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer and later adopted by Freud. It's the title of the fourth episode, and it is mentioned in the episode by Misato, to describe her relationship with Shinji. This is a fascinating philosophy that has a lot of truth to it. That many people are like hedgehog's. We want to get close to each other, but we're afraid of hurting one another, so we back away. It's an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy.
When the fourth episode came to an end, I was blown away. I've never seen anything like that in cinema, nor anime. It was one of the most beautiful, emotional, and powerful pieces of visual story telling I have ever seen. I'm a Terrence Malick fan, so I'm well aware of a films tone and atmosphere being used to tell a story. And that's exactly what happened in the fourth episode of "Neon Genesis Evangelion." It used nature, the tone, and the atmosphere to show the isolation and loneliness that Shinji was going through.
It's an episode that displayed a lot of truth about the psychological struggles that people go through. About the challenges of intimacy, and how uncomfortable it makes us feel. It showed that both Misato and Shinji needed one another, and had to deal with the pain and struggles of intimacy.
Many of the characters in "Evangelion" deal with deep psychological traumas, in relation to their parents. Shinji's introversion and social anxiety comes from the death of his mother at an early, and the abandonment of his father. In episode 7, we're introduced to Asuka Langley Soryu who pilots Unit 02. She was a target of her mother's insanity, and discovered her mother's body after she hanged herself. Asuka's tough, bullying personality is a means of distraction from her pain, and has made piloting Unit 02 her only source of pride and satisfaction.
Misato's father neglected her when she was a teenager, and after he was killed during Second Impact, she stopped talking for a couple years. Ritsuko saw her mother having an affair Gendo Ikari; after her mothers suicide, she felt both attraction and hate towards Gendo. The characters are basically walking contradictions. They hate, and love each other. They want to be next to each other, but can't stand to be near each other. Their very complex, and complicated characters, which makes them some of the most humane and realistic characters ever created in an anime.
Rei Ayanami is especially complex. She starts off as a dream girl for any otaku fanboy. She's beautiful, quiet, and doesn't talk too much. That's in a lot of mens dreams. But the more she falls for Shinji, the most complex she becomes. During the training session, she is locked into the pod that goes into the Evangelion, and Shinji's father saves her. So when Shinji saves her in episode 6, he looks like his father, which makes Rei connect with him a lot more. Rei might be the most ambiguous character, because her emotions and actions are entirely open for interpretations.
As the series progresses, we see the series evolve into something darker, sinister, and depressing. It goes from being just another mecha anime with a couple innovative moments, and one ground breaking episode like "The Hedgehog's Dilemma." And the design of the Evangelion's were highly ground breaking during the time the series premiered, and hasn't been replicated since. But the first half is definitely more conventional, then the second half. The first half has some filler episodes, which actually do well to contribute to the characterization of some of the characters like Asuka, and Rei. But the first half is nothing entirely special.
But the second half take things to a whole new level. We learn more about the psychological problems of the characters. And as they get become more mentally ill, the story starts to break apart. It begins to deconstruct itself from being a typical mecha anime, to becoming an allegory about the downward spiral of depression. The great thing about "Neon Genesis Evangelion" is that it can work on a number of different allegories. But it's primary allegory is it's realistic depiction of depression. And when you're depressed, you feel worthless, horrible, and completely insecure. Or at least have some form of social anxiety and fear of other people.
The depression that characters go through during "Evangelion", is the same depression that I went through. I was mostly a combination between Asuka and Shinji. Where I took pride and satisfaction in materialistic things, and had some social anxiety around people. And like most people, I'm a hedgehog. Which means that while I want to fall in love and be intimate with someone, I'm afraid too, because I'm afraid of being hurt. I also seem to be a walking contradiction, in the sense that I love and dislike the people that are the closest to me.
So "Evangelion" was hitting home with me, connecting with me, and showing me what I was going through. It also showed how I should change myself and become a better person. So it not only connected with me on a superficial, and visual level. But it also connected to me emotionally and spiritually. When I saw the whole series, I was brought to tears. The whole anime was an emotional roller coaster, and it touched my heart in a way that most animes have failed to do.
I think the only other anime that brought me to tears, was "Grave of the Fireflies." But it never got to me, on a more personal level. With "Evangelion", it almost like looking in a mirror. In fact, in the finale, it does become like a mirror. Because during the last two episodes, the characters are analyzed psychologically, with a voice asking the characters questions about their issues. The voice was the therapist, and the characters were patients. Then it starts feeling like I was getting analyzed, and that the questions for the characters, were questions for me.
During the last two episodes, Gendo and Rei initiate the Human Instrumentality Project. Forcing several characters to face their doubts, and fears and examine their self worth. By doing this, the series makes me do the same things. I started to face my fears, doubts, and examining my very existence. Not in a way that was conscious, but during my sub conscious. Somehow, the series made me thing in my sub conscious, and question myself.
The ending was made up of flash backs, sketchy artwork, and flashing text "over a montage of bleak visuals, that include black and white photos of desolate urban motifs such as a riderless bicycle or vacant park benches interspersed with graphic stills of the devastated Nerv headquarters in which Shinji's colleagues are seen as bloodstained bodies. There's also a brief interlude that depicts an alternate "Evangelion" world, where all of the characters are happy, and living normal lives that many anime characters live in a high school setting. The interlude is comedic, and very optimistic. It's jarring, but I loved how daring it was.
That interlude brought me to tears, because it reminded me of how I want my life to be a normal, happy life. A life with not a whole lot of pain, where I grew up as a normal kid, who everybody idolized, and that my parents loved each other and never got a divorce. At that time, I was an agnostic, so I didn't believe in God, but I couldn't deny his(or her) existence. So I'd sometimes wish that God had given me a different life, a better life.
The final episode concludes with Shinji realizing that life is worth living. Luckily, I came to that same conclusion as well. Life is worth living. Shinji realized that he didn't have to pilot an Eva to justify his existence. Then he is surrounded by most of the cast in the series, clapping and congratulating him. The introduction implies that this took place for everyone.
A better year
Once I made the decision to watch "Evangelion", I went to Best Buy on 23rd street and broadway. And bought the whole series. Now the series consists of 26 episodes, and a movie called "End of Evangelion." But "End of Evangelion" is sold separately from the series. And at the time I bought the series, the movie was out of print.
Luckily, I was told that it was available at Netflix.com, so I had plenty of patience. I just wanted to watch the series and see what all the hype was about. So I bought the series for almost 60 dollars, and brought it home to watch. The cover was gorgeous, and I couldn't stop looking at it. Before I bought the series, I use to just browse around Best Buy and look at it for many minutes.
So when Eva Yojimbo kept talking about it, I was very pleased that it was this anime that had the beautiful silver coloring to it. And when I finally watched, it was very addicting. The first episode wasn't as engrossing as I was hoping it would be, but it became more absorbing over the course of it's length. And like most anime series, the episodes were only 20+ minutes long. For awhile, I became cold turkey to anime and forgot how short an episode could be.
So when the first episode had ended, I was pretty startled, because I didn't want it to end. The first episode just kept getting better, and better. The character development was really intelligent, and it was refreshing to see an anime that didn't have a cliche hero who wants to save the entire world, or a one-dimensional tough guy.
The anime is about a teenage boy named Shinji Ikari. He was abandoned by his own father, his mother died at an early age, and he was deeply depressed. On the surface, he's a typical anime character. But underneath, he was really ground breaking for the anime medium. He didn't want to save the world, or pilot a giant mecha.
What teenage boy wouldn't want to pilot a giant mecah?! When I was a 14, I would of loved to pilot a mecha. Shinji not only refused to pilot the robot, but he was whining about it. He didn't want to fight in battle, because his father told him too. If it was anybody else who asked him to pilot the mecha, he would of done it. But since he was told by his own father, he didn't want to do it.
I have never seen anything quit like that in anime. Especially one that involved giant mechas. Which made me even more interested in "Evangelion." Right from the jump, it was turning into one of the most original and unique pieces of cinema I have ever seen.
When Shinji was done whining and telling his father that he didn't want to pilot the giant mecha, they decided to use Rei Ayanami to pilot the giant mecha. She was badly injured after some training session, and could barely get out of the hospital bed that was carrying her. Shinji saw her and had pity on her.
While all of this was happening, a monster called an "Angel" was attacking Tokyo 3. You see, the setting for "Evangelion" takes place during the year 2015 in a city called Tokyo 3. The old Tokyo was destroyed 15 years prior to the events that take place during the anime. An explosion in the year 2000 caused a catastrophe of epic proportions. It was called "Second Impact."
The "Second Impact" almost destroyed Antarctica, and killed half of the human population. During the first half of the series, it's believed that "Second Impact" was caused by a meteorite. Which landed in Antarctica, caused tsunamis, and lead to a global climate change. This also lead to a nuclear war, and Tokyo was nuked during that war.
In the year 2010, an organization called Gehirn changed into the paramilitary organization called Nerv which is headquartered in Tokyo 3. Which is a militarized civilian city located on one of the dry sections of Japan. And that's basically the whole setting of the series during it's first half. What it evolves into during the second half, is incredible.
The job for Nerv, is to fight against the Angels. And the opening of the first episode, shows the third Angel attacking Tokyo 3. Regular weapons prove to be ineffective, which is why giant Mechas are created to fight against them. These mechas are called "Evangelion's."
The characters who were introduced in the first episode were Shinji Ikari, Misato Katsuragi, Rei Ayanami, Gendo Ikari(Shinji's father), Ritsuko Akagi, Kozo Fuyutsuki, and the entire Nerv staff. I just wanted to explain the setting of this anime, so that there is not a lot of confusion. But this is a very complicated work of art. It twists and turns when you least expect it. And has multiple layers within it's narrative.
Now back to the main events that took place during the first episode. Shinji is called upon to pilot an Evangelion called Unit 01.. When he refuses the job, his father decides to use Rei Ayanami. She is physically unable to pilot or do anything, due to the injuries that she received during a training session. Shinji feels pity towards her, and tries to help her out.
But when the Angel attacks, the impact of it's weapon shakes the headquarters and causes it to break a little. So when it attacks, pieces of the roof top are about to fall on both Shinji and Rei. When suddenly, the Evangelion that Shinji was going to pilot, moves it's hand to save Shinji and Rei from dying. It used it's hand to cover both Shinji and Rei, and saved their lives.
When I saw that scene, I was amazed. The Eva was not functional, nor did it move until that moment. So how was it able to move it's own hand? Misato and Ritsuko were asking the same thing. After that moment, Shinji looks at his hand, and it's covered with Rei's blood. He says tom himself, "I'm not gonna run away, I'm not gonna run away, I'm not gonna run away."
Again, I was amazed by the emotional depth of the characters. To me, Shinji was an easy character to root for, and connect with. And once he gained the courage to pilot the Eva, I was hooked. I knew that I would be watching this series to the very end. It was at that moment, I knew that this anime would make some type of impact in my life.
As Shinji got into Unit 01, I was amazed at the amount of details that went into the animation of the Eva, and it's design. The music, and the editing had perfect timing. It just didn't seem to miss a beat.
As the Eva was lifted from Nerv headquarters, to the surface of Tokyo 3, I became more intrigued by the visuals and aesthetics of each shot. And as my anticipation of seeing the Evangelion fight the angel, the episode came to it's conclusion.
I was annoyed because I wanted to see the battle, but I was very intrigued. So I popped in episode 2, and it showed the beginning of the battle, but not the thing until somwhere around the middle of the episode. The first couple scenes show Shinji getting beat down by the angel. This part really shocked me, because in most mecha animes, the hero usually either knows how to pilot the mecah, or figures it out very quickly and destroys the enemy. But this has some more realism to it.
In real life, a teenager with no military experience, would be killed during his(or her) first time in battle. So it made sense that Shinji didn't do so well during his first battle. In fact, it looks like he gets killed by the angel, or knocked unconscious. Misato screams Shinji's name and then it cuts to a shot of Shinji in a Hospital room.
That was some of the best quick-cutting I have ever seen in cinema. I was really into that Battle sequence and kinda on the edge of my seat. So when the quick cut happened, I was shocked, but never got annoyed. I wanted to dee where this series was going, and I was completely engrossed into the tone and atmosphere that it was creating.
Once Shinji gets out of the Hospital. He moves in with Misato, and we get to learn more about her life. She's a complete slob, and a drunk. She doesn't clean up her house, and all she has is beer in her fridge. But it was some very interesting character development, and not something that I had expected.
In most animes and stories from cinema and literature, one of the main heroes is usually not a drunk. And I didn't know that during the time I was watching the anime, because I didn't know a whole lot about literature or anime. But in most cases, the heroes in a story are conventional. While the characters in "Evangelion" were unconventional and didn't seem to fit a single category.
In the second episode, we're introduced to Pen Pen. Who is a hot spring penguin, with a high degree of intelligence. And he's Misato's pet. We get to see the rest of the battle scene, which are both violent, and shocking. Just when you think Shinji and his Evangelion had lost the battle, the Eva goes into berserk mode and starts attacking relentlessly. It's starts operating without any power, or support from Nerv. And it beats the Angel to point where the angel decides to commit a kamikaze of some sort, in order to destroy the Evangelion. It didn't work. The angel exploded, and the Eva survived.
So while it had a lot of realism, it still had that fantasy element behind it. I wasn't expected that. In the third episode, we see how the war against the angels effects the psychological and emotional aspects of Shinji. We're introduced to Toji and Kensuke. Toji hated Shinji at first, because his sister was injured during the battle between Shinji and the angel. The kids at the school figured out that it was Shinji who piloted the Evangelion.
So Toji punched Shinji a couple times to teach him a lesson. He was basically taking out his anger and frustration of Shinji, since he couldn't do anything to help his sister. Kensuke is an otaku and military buff who's hobbies involve camping in the mountains of Tokyo 3, and doing simulated war reenactments by himself. When the fourth Angel comes to attack Tokyo 3, Kensuke solidifies his friendship with Shinji, after Shinji saves both Kensuke and Toji. Kensuke would love to pilot an Evangelion, since he was completely oblivious the physical and psychological stress that the pilots have to endure.
Kensuke is the cliched anime hero, in a mecha anime. He's spirited, and wants to pilot a giant mecha and fight in a war. He's a cliche, but he bounces off of Shinji perfectly, because Shinji is the main hero. We kinda get to see the anti-hero, reflect off of the ordinary anime character during episode 4. Which to me, is the best episode of the first half. Because we finally got to see the series go into a different route.
"Evangelion" is one of the few pieces of cinema that develops it's protagonist through visuals, aesthetics, and images. This is done with Shinji, during the fourth episode. He's completely developed by the end of that episode, and he doesn't have a lot of dialogue. His whole character development is done with the narration other characters like Ritsuke, and Misato. We learn about the Hedgehog dilemma that many people suffer from.
The Hedgehog's dilemma is a concept described by philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer and later adopted by Freud. It's the title of the fourth episode, and it is mentioned in the episode by Misato, to describe her relationship with Shinji. This is a fascinating philosophy that has a lot of truth to it. That many people are like hedgehog's. We want to get close to each other, but we're afraid of hurting one another, so we back away. It's an analogy about the challenges of human intimacy.
When the fourth episode came to an end, I was blown away. I've never seen anything like that in cinema, nor anime. It was one of the most beautiful, emotional, and powerful pieces of visual story telling I have ever seen. I'm a Terrence Malick fan, so I'm well aware of a films tone and atmosphere being used to tell a story. And that's exactly what happened in the fourth episode of "Neon Genesis Evangelion." It used nature, the tone, and the atmosphere to show the isolation and loneliness that Shinji was going through.
It's an episode that displayed a lot of truth about the psychological struggles that people go through. About the challenges of intimacy, and how uncomfortable it makes us feel. It showed that both Misato and Shinji needed one another, and had to deal with the pain and struggles of intimacy.
Many of the characters in "Evangelion" deal with deep psychological traumas, in relation to their parents. Shinji's introversion and social anxiety comes from the death of his mother at an early, and the abandonment of his father. In episode 7, we're introduced to Asuka Langley Soryu who pilots Unit 02. She was a target of her mother's insanity, and discovered her mother's body after she hanged herself. Asuka's tough, bullying personality is a means of distraction from her pain, and has made piloting Unit 02 her only source of pride and satisfaction.
Misato's father neglected her when she was a teenager, and after he was killed during Second Impact, she stopped talking for a couple years. Ritsuko saw her mother having an affair Gendo Ikari; after her mothers suicide, she felt both attraction and hate towards Gendo. The characters are basically walking contradictions. They hate, and love each other. They want to be next to each other, but can't stand to be near each other. Their very complex, and complicated characters, which makes them some of the most humane and realistic characters ever created in an anime.
Rei Ayanami is especially complex. She starts off as a dream girl for any otaku fanboy. She's beautiful, quiet, and doesn't talk too much. That's in a lot of mens dreams. But the more she falls for Shinji, the most complex she becomes. During the training session, she is locked into the pod that goes into the Evangelion, and Shinji's father saves her. So when Shinji saves her in episode 6, he looks like his father, which makes Rei connect with him a lot more. Rei might be the most ambiguous character, because her emotions and actions are entirely open for interpretations.
As the series progresses, we see the series evolve into something darker, sinister, and depressing. It goes from being just another mecha anime with a couple innovative moments, and one ground breaking episode like "The Hedgehog's Dilemma." And the design of the Evangelion's were highly ground breaking during the time the series premiered, and hasn't been replicated since. But the first half is definitely more conventional, then the second half. The first half has some filler episodes, which actually do well to contribute to the characterization of some of the characters like Asuka, and Rei. But the first half is nothing entirely special.
But the second half take things to a whole new level. We learn more about the psychological problems of the characters. And as they get become more mentally ill, the story starts to break apart. It begins to deconstruct itself from being a typical mecha anime, to becoming an allegory about the downward spiral of depression. The great thing about "Neon Genesis Evangelion" is that it can work on a number of different allegories. But it's primary allegory is it's realistic depiction of depression. And when you're depressed, you feel worthless, horrible, and completely insecure. Or at least have some form of social anxiety and fear of other people.
The depression that characters go through during "Evangelion", is the same depression that I went through. I was mostly a combination between Asuka and Shinji. Where I took pride and satisfaction in materialistic things, and had some social anxiety around people. And like most people, I'm a hedgehog. Which means that while I want to fall in love and be intimate with someone, I'm afraid too, because I'm afraid of being hurt. I also seem to be a walking contradiction, in the sense that I love and dislike the people that are the closest to me.
So "Evangelion" was hitting home with me, connecting with me, and showing me what I was going through. It also showed how I should change myself and become a better person. So it not only connected with me on a superficial, and visual level. But it also connected to me emotionally and spiritually. When I saw the whole series, I was brought to tears. The whole anime was an emotional roller coaster, and it touched my heart in a way that most animes have failed to do.
I think the only other anime that brought me to tears, was "Grave of the Fireflies." But it never got to me, on a more personal level. With "Evangelion", it almost like looking in a mirror. In fact, in the finale, it does become like a mirror. Because during the last two episodes, the characters are analyzed psychologically, with a voice asking the characters questions about their issues. The voice was the therapist, and the characters were patients. Then it starts feeling like I was getting analyzed, and that the questions for the characters, were questions for me.
During the last two episodes, Gendo and Rei initiate the Human Instrumentality Project. Forcing several characters to face their doubts, and fears and examine their self worth. By doing this, the series makes me do the same things. I started to face my fears, doubts, and examining my very existence. Not in a way that was conscious, but during my sub conscious. Somehow, the series made me thing in my sub conscious, and question myself.
The ending was made up of flash backs, sketchy artwork, and flashing text "over a montage of bleak visuals, that include black and white photos of desolate urban motifs such as a riderless bicycle or vacant park benches interspersed with graphic stills of the devastated Nerv headquarters in which Shinji's colleagues are seen as bloodstained bodies. There's also a brief interlude that depicts an alternate "Evangelion" world, where all of the characters are happy, and living normal lives that many anime characters live in a high school setting. The interlude is comedic, and very optimistic. It's jarring, but I loved how daring it was.
That interlude brought me to tears, because it reminded me of how I want my life to be a normal, happy life. A life with not a whole lot of pain, where I grew up as a normal kid, who everybody idolized, and that my parents loved each other and never got a divorce. At that time, I was an agnostic, so I didn't believe in God, but I couldn't deny his(or her) existence. So I'd sometimes wish that God had given me a different life, a better life.
The final episode concludes with Shinji realizing that life is worth living. Luckily, I came to that same conclusion as well. Life is worth living. Shinji realized that he didn't have to pilot an Eva to justify his existence. Then he is surrounded by most of the cast in the series, clapping and congratulating him. The introduction implies that this took place for everyone.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
My Walk with Evangelion and God: Chapter 1
2006,2007
Very depressing years
My walk started around 2006 and 2007, as I was getting into heated debates, discussions, and arguments with different people on IMDB. I had been a member of IMDB since 2005, and I've always made comments on there, and had some interesting discussions and arguments. But 2007 was very different, because from my recollection, it mainly involved "2001: A Space Odyssey", and it was the first time that I had ever heard of an anime called "Neon Genesis Evangelion." One of the members named Eva Yojimbo, just constantly kept recommending me this anime called "Neon Genesis Evangelion." I couldn't understand why he was so obsessed over it, or how he could compare a cartoon to great cinema like "2001: A Space Odyssey", "Blade Runner", "Tokyo Story", "Mulholland Drive", or "Tokyo Story." And not only did he rank them next to those films, he put it ABOVE them. I was in shocked, and became curious with this obsessive love he had towards "Evangelion."
While I was through all these different discussions and debates in 2007, my life was in a state of depression. I kept feeling like I was going down a black hole, and couldn't find a way out. All four walls were crushing me and I didn't know what to do. My heart was filled with sorrow, and despair. I hated the fact that I couldn't get a girlfriend, or that I was a recluse. I would avoid the pain, by playing video games all day, or just expressing my anger towards my family and what little friends that I had during that time. My depression didn't get any better, as my geek world seemed to be falling apart around me. Comic-books seemed to feel empty, shallow, and repetitive to me. I subjected myself to awful comic-book adaptations like "Ghost Rider", and "Spiderman 3." And even video games didn't seem to fill that emptiness within my heart.
So my geek life was in hades during that time. I had to endure the bloated and mindless "X-Men 3", which is one of the worst experiences of my life. I was very disappointed in "Superman Returns" for not being anything new, having a boring story, and no action at all. It was basically a CGI version of Richard Donner's original movie, without a good story, with more plot-holes, without the interesting love story, and too much CGI. Then the very next year came the dreadful "Ghost Rider" flick, with Nicholas Cage. It made a good amount of money at the box office, but I felt like I had completely wasted my time and money on one of the most empty experiences of my life. And then came "Spiderman 3", which turned out to be one of the biggest cinematic disappointments in recent memory.
It just felt like everything was crashing around me. My personal life was uninteresting, my geek life with comic-books wasn't that exciting, and superhero films were getting worse. Infact, the only great superhero film that I saw during that time was "Batman Begins" in 2005, and a great comic-book adaptation called "Sin City" came out 2005 well. But that year also had dreadful flicks like "Elektra" and "Fantastic Four." So 2005 wasn't an entirely great year for comic book fans like me, who were yearning for just ONE great year at the cinemas for superhero films, and comic-book adaptations. But 2005 was not the year, when my walk really got started. It was definitely around late 2006, and the summer of 2007.
That summer was an intense time and anxious time in my life. I was 20 years old, and I had a crush on Addie, but we just couldn't stop arguing. We almost came to fighting each other at Barnes N Noble at Union Square, which is one of the biggest, and most beautiful Barnes N Nobles that I have ever seen. But we caused a bit of a scene in late June of 2007, and we haven't talked that much since then. We reconciled for a bit, but she got very busy during her whole political thing, and that took up most of her time. She was so such a cute girl, and one an incredible body and nutty personality. She was always opened about her sex life, political views, and other things. And I loved her so much, that I had to argue with her. I had to constantly debate her, and win those debates. I wanted her to bow down, and acknowledge my intelligence and masculinity as a man. But it wasn't happening, and it didn't happen.
I remember we got into a huge argument over George W. Bush, and I claimed that he doesn't do anything. And she got so pissed, that she started calling saying that my argument was one of the most idiotic, and asinine things that she had ever hear. Well technically, she was right. George W. Bush was did do some things. He fought a war in Afghanistan, he started an unnecessary war in Iraq, and did tax cuts for the rich. At least that's what I remembered. But I loved it when Addie got mad, because it kinda turned me on. Seeing her get angry, and her face turning red gave me alot of satisfaction, and made me want her even more. So I didn't even try to correct myself, and say, "I don't think Bush does anything for poor people." Now that would of been a better thing to say, since it has some merit. But saying that Bush didn't do anything, is completely false. He did do something, and that's an absolute fact!
That argument happened around late 2006. It must of been in December, because Anthony and Edie became a couple around November, and were just getting use to each other as a couple, and couldn't stop making out in public. I envied Anthony for having her, because I had a crush on her too. But then I started envying their relationship, and the connection they had, the love and compassion. It was all there, and I really needed that in my life. This was basically three years before God would find that special person who would fill that void in my life, and bring me back to him. So in 2006, I was an emotional wreck. Two of the girls that I wanted the most were with somebody else. One of them probably felt like I was an annoying little brat(Addie), while the other just liked me as a friend(Edie). And I felt like my life just SUCKED!
Still, 2006 wasn't an entirely bad year. I got to see some great films like "Babel" and "Pan's Labyrinth." "Pan's Labyrinth" one an incredible experience, and one of the most violent fantasy films ever written. And basically most fantasy tales are pretty violent, even the ones that are dumb down by Disney movies. So "Pan's Labyrinth" really hit the mark when it got made. Guillermo Del Toro did an excellent job, I gained genuine faith in him as a filmmaker. Because while "Blade 2" had awesome spectacle, it had no substance, so I didn't really care about the journey. I was probably rooting more for the villain in that movie, then I was for "Blade." And I was a huge "Blade" fanboy during that time. I loved the comics, and read alot of them, and the original film is one of the greatest marvel adaptations to this day. Probably even better then "Spiderman 2" in some cases. "The Descent" was a fantastic horror flick, that actually scared the crap out of me. One of the great modern horror films, in an era where torture porn still seems popular among so-called horror fans. I'm sorry, but "Saw" and "Hostel" are not horror films. Their snuff flicks, dressed up as horror films.
My personal favorites that year were "Inland Empire", "Brick", and "Half Nelson." I saw "Brick" like 5 or 6 times in the theater. I would go to the Anjelika Theater, and it was always an incredible experience. It's one of the most absorbing, original, and perfectly acted film-noirs ever made. And it showed Joseph Gordon Levitt's incredible strength as an actor, and fascinating charisma. I saw "Inland Empire" around the fall of 2007. It was a blind-buy, but that didn't matter, because I was already well educated on David Lynch during that time and knew that I was going to love. And as far as I'm concerned, it's still the best film of 2006, and you can't really find a film to compare it too. It's just a three hour dream sequence. And "Half Nelson" might of had the best performance of 2006 by Ryan Gosling, who showed a mixture of different ranges of emotions in every scene. I loved Forrest Whittaker's performance in "The Last King Of Scotland", but the Oscar should of gone to Ryan Gosling, for giving one of the most convincing performances as a drug addict that I have ever seen. I also felt that Clint Eastwood deserved the Oscar that year for best director then Martin Scorsese. But I was glad that Scorsese won, because of all the great work that he's done in his career so far. And I think he still has a couple more great films left in him.
There were some other good or films that year. Like "Letters From Iwo Jima", "Children of Men", "The Prestige", "The Departed", "Volver", "Little Miss Sunshine", "The Queen", "The Pursuit of Happiness", "Little Children", "Notes on a Scandal", "United 93", "The Last King of Scotland", and many others. There were some powerful documentaries like "When the Levees Broke", and "Jesus Camp." So overall, 2006 was a really good year for cinema. Much better then 2005 in my opinion, but none of this is really important. I'm just giving you a window into my love for cinema. This is barely the tip of the Ice Burg. But my main focus is on how God put together so many crazy things in line, in order for me to get back to him. And not just my geek life, but in my personal life as well.
By the end of 2006, I didn't feel like I had a purpose, I was obsessed with movies, obsessed with girls, and obsessed with Bragelina! When I would I see my therapist, I wouldn't really talk about myself, because I never felt like there was anything of interest to talk about. I was thinking about girls, masturbating alot, watching porn, playing video games, watching movies, thinking about whatever Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were doing. And that was it. I didn't feel like talking about the fact that I was yelling and arguing with my mother most of the time. I didn't want to talk about my depression, sadness, or my anger towards God. I didn't want to talk about the fact that I wanted to be with Addie, Eddie, or whatever girl that past by me.
I was pissed that Addie wasn't my girlfriend. She was beautiful, articulate, a bit nutty, had a great body, and she was very opinionated. And we were so opinionated, that it basically ruined whatever friendship that we could of had. I also use to feel bullied by her as well. She use to pick on me for being a virgin, and just poked fun at me for whatever reason. But when I finally lost my tempter and told her to "eff off", our friendship just ended. We didn't fight, or had a huge yelling match. But it was enough to know that we just couldn't be around each other anymore. Our falling out happened around June of 2007. Which made me sad, because she was a good friend of mine.
Of course, I had some great times with my old friends, and some who I'm currently friends with. There were joyful moments that I spend with them. We would watch movies together, I would usually buy the tickets, and never really allowed them to pay me back. We not only had superficial friendships, but we managed to connect a deeper and more emotional level, because of our different issues and personal problems that we related to each other on. So after many weeks of getting to know one another, we would hang out more, watch movies, and even went to a house party once, which was conducted by my old friend Addie. We'd usually but-heads alot, and never really got along, but I learned alot from her, and still glad that I knew her. Same goes for my other close friends like Antony, Janet, and Theo who were also close friends of mine and gave me some great advice, and actually cared about my well being.
But by April of 2007, I wasn't really thinking about Addie anymore. Granted, I was distracted with the awfulness of "Ghost Rider", the new homo erotic action flick called "300", and trying to actually hang out with Anthony and Edie without feeling like choking myself. But my attention turned towards another girl. And boy, she was a Puerto Rican spite fire! By the early summer of 2007, I was falling in love with a gorgeous Puerto Rican girl named Cassie, who basically had no interest in me at all. But I loved her, I loved her alot! Actually, it wasn't love, it was lust! I lusted after her, and I think she knew it. Women know when men are looking at them and lusting after them, they have a sixth sense about that sort of thing. At that time, she might of been the most beautiful person that had ever spoken to me, much less look at me. I forgot the color of her eyes, but she had these incredible looking eyes, and amazing curves. One of the best bodies I had ever seen. She said that she exercised alot, and took kick-boxing classes. I was like, "Kick me, kick me!" I just couldn't stop looking at her. She was my dream girl, she was a Latina, and she was hot! I obsessed over her, I wanted her, I couldn't stop thinking about her, and I was in lust with her all the time. Which is one of the seven deadly sins. She had this dangerous beauty about her that only the best poet could write about. She looked so pretty, and so hardcore at the same time. Like she could give you a sweet hug and kiss, and then tear you to pieces the next moment. I loved that! I wanted her to punch me, hurt me, or bite me. And she did bit my finger once, because I was annoying her, and it was painful, but I really liked it. It was a fond memory to remember her by. But sadly, she just wasn't that into me.
We flirted at times, but that's all it was. In the end, I wasn't her type, and my heart was broken. My crush on her started around April of 07, and it didn't stop until early 2008. But she broke my heart in October of 2007, and I was deeply depressed. I basically obsessed over women most of my life. I wanted a girlfriend, I wanted to move in with a woman, I wanted to get married, and maybe have kids. Personally, I really wanted women to worship me, and follow every word that I spoke, and every move that I make. I basically wanted to be Robert Pattison, Brad Pitt, and Johnny Depp all mixed into one. But it wasn't happening, and I was stuck with my pathetic little life.
To make things worse, I had a following out with an ex-girlfriend of mine named Nikki. We use to date back in San Antonio, and she was cute. Nothing special, but really cute. She had nice eyes, she had alot of meat on her bones, and pretty nice curves. She was part Black, and Mexican, so she was a really nice mix. At one point, she wanted to commit suicide. And with the help of others, I managed to keep her from killing herself, and that was back in 2002. We started dating around 2003, we broke up, got back together, broke up, and got back together. I remember we had one great date when we saw this terrible movie called "You Got Served." It absolutely sucked, but it was the perfect moment to make out with her for almost two hours. I loved kissing, she had so much passion, and pain behind her kisses. I could almost feel the yearning, and anguish within her soul every time we kissed. It actually wasn't that deep, but it certainly felt like it. And it worth buying two tickets for that awful movie. And if anybody else suffered through that flick, I just want to apologize for reminding you of it's existence.
Anyways, we had to break up, due to the fact that my mother and I were moving to New York City. And I wasn't gonna suffer through any long distance relationship crap, where you're wondering what your girl is doing in another state, while I would be trying to sleep with every girl in New York. I wasn't gonna play her like that, or lie to her. So after awhile, we just remained as friends. But in around the summer of 2007, she called me and wanted to visit me. She asked me if I had any girlfriends or if was interested in somebody. And I don't think I told her the amount of women that I was interested in, but I did tell her that I had some crushes, but that I could put them aside for her. See, I was so lonely, that I was willing to have my ex come up to New York for a while, so that I can finally lose my virginity, and have at least two or three weeks of sex. Then she would go home, we would go our separate ways, and I'd try to sleep with other women, with a bit more confidence, knowing that I was finally a man, and that I had finally slept with a woman.
Well that didn't happen. After Cassie broke my heart, Niki told me that she found a new guy, and they were getting close, because he got close to her mother, so he basically went from being a shoulder for her to cry on, to being an actual boyfriend. I was angry, and I basically cursed her out on Myspace. Called you all types of names, and said some things that shouldn't of been said. I think her older brother threatened to kill me, and so did her boyfriend. Mostly because they were Latin Kings, so they could of actually killed me, but I didn't care. I was too depressed to live, so I just kept cursing all three of them out until I finally got bored, removed her from my friends list on Myspace, and stopped talking to her for good. She was also a good friend of mine, and I wish things could of been different.
But 2007 wasn't all that bad of a year. Eva Yojimbo still couldn't shut up about recommending "Neon Genenesis Evangelion" to me. I was so lonely, that I almost had Jehovah Witnesses coming over to study the Bible with me, which my mother absolutely refused to allow me to do, and kept them away from our house. I think she probably told security about them, but whatever. I don't really have any ill feelings towards them, they were just trying to reach out, and the conversation helped me out alot during that time.
"Transformers" came out during that Summer, on July 3rd. And while it wasn't a good film, it was certainly better then "Spiderman 3", and "Pirates of the Caribbean 3." And the Coen Brothers came out with one of the few films that I'd call an absolute masterpiece, and actually a perfect film in just about every sense of the word. That movie is called "No Country For Old Men." It couldn't of come out at a more perfect time, because my heart was crushed by Cassie, I had a big falling out with my ex-girlfriend, and Addie. I still hated the fact that Anthony and Edie were dating each other, and that Jay was having a girlfriend too. And she was like one of my closest buddies, and we use to share our loneliness with each other, and deal with the fact that we were single, and didn't have anybody. And then when she started getting a girlfriend, I basically just gave up on my life, and figured that I would never be with anybody.
I wasn't going to kill myself, but it was starting to get to that point again. I felt like dying when my grandmother passed away in November of 2004, exactly the day before Thanksgiving day. And I chose to be hospitalized in March of 2005, because I knew that I needed the help. So a lot of things were hitting me in 2007 that was just putting me in a state of depression, so "No Country For Old Men" was perfect. It was about despair, isolation, a world with no God, it was nihilistic, it was violent, depressing, angry, frightening, terrifying, and it showed me that my life meant absolutely nothing. That life means nothing, and that we're just living in a chaotic world, that has no real meaning. Sure, there are some coincidences, there might be some fate, but in the end, it's just all an illusion. We come, we live, we die, and that's it. There's no purpose, no reason, and no life after death. There's just this terrible life that I got for a short period of time, and then I will just wither away. Nobody would remember me, nobody would miss me, nobody would even talk about me. "No Country For Old Men" wasn't just literally about no country for old men, it was about a world with no hope, no God, and no salvation for anybody. I realized at that particular time in my life, that spirituality was just a figment of ones imagination, and that it really all came down to the survival of the fittest. Nobody really cared about each other, and I certainly didn't care about myself. It was all about me, me and me. And nothing more. The Coen Brothers did a masterful job with "No Country For Old Men", and it spoke to me, during a time when I was in great despair.
Then another great nihilistic film came out called "There Will Be Blood." If you haven't seen the film, it's extraordinary. Great performances, great aesthetics, brilliant direction, and probably the most unique musical score that I can remember within the last 5 or 10 years. And the ending basically shows what the title really means. That with the discovery of oil, there will be blood. When our greedy nature gets the best of us, there will be blood. Personally, I thought it was an attack on God in some cases. Daniel Plainview is one of the few characters in cinema to take on God, and basically survive, but with a major cost of his sanity, and the relationship that he had with his son. But the whole time, I just loved his anger towards God and that hypocrite named Eli Sunday. I hated Eli Sunday. He reminded me of those disgusting priests who were exposed that have abused children. And that the Catholic Church probably tried to cover it up, and even allowing them to get away with it. It was disgusting, and it revealed just how morally corrupt religion can be. So if you hate religion as much as I did back then, you might love "There Will Be Blood." It definitely spoke to me.
Because at that time, I was angry at God for not giving me the best father in the world, who actually picked on my faith when I was a little kid, and physically abused me as a child. I was angry at God, for not saving those 3,000+ lives that were taken during those terrorist attacks on September 11th of 2001. I was angry towards God for not saving those poor people who died in New Orleans in August of 2005. I was angry at him, for not giving me a girlfriend, or giving me the perfect life that my mother was hoping for in New York City. My mother and I moved from San Antonio Texas, to New York City, because she was scared for her life. My father hit her right arm, she locked herself in the bathroom, called the cops to get him thrown out, and that's basically why we moved. Because after the cops told him to move, we packed up his stuff, and left it outside for him to pick it up. I had a good friend named Rudy, who's mother helped us out during that time. She drove my mother to pick me up from another friends house, because my mother was so shocked by what my father did, that she couldn't even drive. And the reason that I didn't try to leave my friends house to beat down my father for hitting my mother, is because they were protecting me. My other friends name was Michael, and both he and his sister kept me from leaving the house that day, so that I wouldn't try to fight my father, get arrested, and go to prison. That's why I had to wait, and wonder if my mother was even alive. But when I look back at that moment, God wanted to protect me. He used Michael and his sister Chantel to shelter me, and keep out of harms way. Because if I had found a way to leave that house, and get to my house to confront my father, the situation would of been alot worse. And that entire event gave my mother PDSD, which stands for Post-Dramatic-Stress-Dissorder.
She was having nightmares about him, she couldn't sleep at night, and she even screamed for her life and attacked me, because I wanted to wake her up for breakfast or something. But the point is that my father had frightened her, and we had to move to New York City, because she was scared for her life, and she basically wanted to be with her family since the terrorist attacks happened on September 11th, 2001. While alot of the human population didn't want to be in New York City during that time, my mother NEEDED to come back to New York, because she wanted to be with her family. I don't know if she felt like her presence would keep the terrorists from doing anything else, or if that anything were to happen, she would be there to either die with our family, or help our family in need. I don't really know, she just had to come to New York City and live there. So we did, and it was not all what she hyped it up to be. It was a long struggle. I was very reclusive, and afraid to go outside sometimes. But I manage to get through it, and become a real New Yorker.
Of course, I had some great times. There were joyful moments that I spend with my friends. We would watch movies together, while I would buy the tickets, and never really allowed them to pay me back. We not only had superficial friendships, but we managed to connect a deeper and more emotional level, because of our different issues and personal problems that we related to each other on. So after many weeks of getting to know one another, we would hang out more, watch movies, and even went to a house party once, which was conducted by my old friend Addie. We usually but-heads alot, and never really got along, but I learned alot from her, and still glad that I knew her. Same goes for others like Antony, Janet, who were also close friends of mine and gave me some great advice, and actually cared about my well being.
But even with some of that joy, I still couldn't ignore the pain that I was going through. I had some crushes on the girls who were going to the group therapy sessions. And they either had a boyfriend, another boyfriend, or just weren't interested in me at all. Edie was one who I had a crush on the most, but she became more interested in Anthony, and they ended up being together for a couple years. That broke my heart at first, but I dealt with it, and continued to move forward. I had thoughts of suicide, but realized that wouldn't of been fair to my mother, who would of mourned me, and probably killed herself as well. So I continued on with my pain, and attempt to be content with it. I probably enjoyed being depressed, and looking at life from a bleak and empty existence. Which is why I appreciated the joyful moments, because I knew they wouldn't last.
But during all of these things that were happening during my personal life, Eva Yojimbo kept recommending me to watch "Neon Genesis Evangelion." He basically couldn't stop shutting up about it, and I guess God realized that I needed something to bring me out of the hole that I was sinking into. I remember having debates with different people online about "2001: A Space Odyssey", and how many chapters were actually in the film. I use to pay attention to the facts that are given to us within the film, and that are three chapters, not four. But people would argue that there are four, once Bowen starts going through his Stargate sequence. Whatever, I still say it's three chapters and nothing more or less. But when I would go outside and go shopping at Best Buy for whatever Dvd that I was going to kept when I'd have more money, I always come across the image of "Neon Genesis Evangelion." While I never felt the need to buy it and watch it, the cover looked so gorgeous. You see, it was the Platinum Edition that I was looking at. And on the cover was this silver looking paint on it, with a nice picture of Rei Ayanami, and it just really intrigued me.
When I would go home, I couldn't get the cover out of my read, nor the reviews on the back of it. On the back of the cover, there's a review by www.aintitcoolnews.com, that considered "Evangelion" to be anime's perfect storm. A phenomenon on par with "The Matrix", "Harry Potter", and "Star Wars." And that plenty of works will try to reproduce it, but ultimately it will stand alone.
That review really pegged my interest, because I love aintitcoolnews. Their geeks are just like me, and proud of it. They love films, anime, graphic novels, books, and comic-books. So after all of Yojimbo's recommendations, I decided to blind-buy "Evangelion", which is a scary thing to do. Because 1) I don't have alot of money, so paying 60 bucks for a 26 episode anime title that I didn't really know anything about, was very risky. And 2) I hadn't seriously watched an anime in a couple years during that time.
After awhile, I just got bored with anime. Naruto was uninteresting, I was tired of "Dragon Ball Z", "Death Note" seemed very dull, and "Bleach" just never caught my interest. So all the new animes kept me from getting back into anime. And looking at the cover and plot synopsis of "Evangelion", you would think it was just another story about kids who pilot mechas. And well, I was pleasantly surprised. "Evangelion" turned out to be the greatest blind-buy I would ever get, and something that I would never regret.
Very depressing years
My walk started around 2006 and 2007, as I was getting into heated debates, discussions, and arguments with different people on IMDB. I had been a member of IMDB since 2005, and I've always made comments on there, and had some interesting discussions and arguments. But 2007 was very different, because from my recollection, it mainly involved "2001: A Space Odyssey", and it was the first time that I had ever heard of an anime called "Neon Genesis Evangelion." One of the members named Eva Yojimbo, just constantly kept recommending me this anime called "Neon Genesis Evangelion." I couldn't understand why he was so obsessed over it, or how he could compare a cartoon to great cinema like "2001: A Space Odyssey", "Blade Runner", "Tokyo Story", "Mulholland Drive", or "Tokyo Story." And not only did he rank them next to those films, he put it ABOVE them. I was in shocked, and became curious with this obsessive love he had towards "Evangelion."
While I was through all these different discussions and debates in 2007, my life was in a state of depression. I kept feeling like I was going down a black hole, and couldn't find a way out. All four walls were crushing me and I didn't know what to do. My heart was filled with sorrow, and despair. I hated the fact that I couldn't get a girlfriend, or that I was a recluse. I would avoid the pain, by playing video games all day, or just expressing my anger towards my family and what little friends that I had during that time. My depression didn't get any better, as my geek world seemed to be falling apart around me. Comic-books seemed to feel empty, shallow, and repetitive to me. I subjected myself to awful comic-book adaptations like "Ghost Rider", and "Spiderman 3." And even video games didn't seem to fill that emptiness within my heart.
So my geek life was in hades during that time. I had to endure the bloated and mindless "X-Men 3", which is one of the worst experiences of my life. I was very disappointed in "Superman Returns" for not being anything new, having a boring story, and no action at all. It was basically a CGI version of Richard Donner's original movie, without a good story, with more plot-holes, without the interesting love story, and too much CGI. Then the very next year came the dreadful "Ghost Rider" flick, with Nicholas Cage. It made a good amount of money at the box office, but I felt like I had completely wasted my time and money on one of the most empty experiences of my life. And then came "Spiderman 3", which turned out to be one of the biggest cinematic disappointments in recent memory.
It just felt like everything was crashing around me. My personal life was uninteresting, my geek life with comic-books wasn't that exciting, and superhero films were getting worse. Infact, the only great superhero film that I saw during that time was "Batman Begins" in 2005, and a great comic-book adaptation called "Sin City" came out 2005 well. But that year also had dreadful flicks like "Elektra" and "Fantastic Four." So 2005 wasn't an entirely great year for comic book fans like me, who were yearning for just ONE great year at the cinemas for superhero films, and comic-book adaptations. But 2005 was not the year, when my walk really got started. It was definitely around late 2006, and the summer of 2007.
That summer was an intense time and anxious time in my life. I was 20 years old, and I had a crush on Addie, but we just couldn't stop arguing. We almost came to fighting each other at Barnes N Noble at Union Square, which is one of the biggest, and most beautiful Barnes N Nobles that I have ever seen. But we caused a bit of a scene in late June of 2007, and we haven't talked that much since then. We reconciled for a bit, but she got very busy during her whole political thing, and that took up most of her time. She was so such a cute girl, and one an incredible body and nutty personality. She was always opened about her sex life, political views, and other things. And I loved her so much, that I had to argue with her. I had to constantly debate her, and win those debates. I wanted her to bow down, and acknowledge my intelligence and masculinity as a man. But it wasn't happening, and it didn't happen.
I remember we got into a huge argument over George W. Bush, and I claimed that he doesn't do anything. And she got so pissed, that she started calling saying that my argument was one of the most idiotic, and asinine things that she had ever hear. Well technically, she was right. George W. Bush was did do some things. He fought a war in Afghanistan, he started an unnecessary war in Iraq, and did tax cuts for the rich. At least that's what I remembered. But I loved it when Addie got mad, because it kinda turned me on. Seeing her get angry, and her face turning red gave me alot of satisfaction, and made me want her even more. So I didn't even try to correct myself, and say, "I don't think Bush does anything for poor people." Now that would of been a better thing to say, since it has some merit. But saying that Bush didn't do anything, is completely false. He did do something, and that's an absolute fact!
That argument happened around late 2006. It must of been in December, because Anthony and Edie became a couple around November, and were just getting use to each other as a couple, and couldn't stop making out in public. I envied Anthony for having her, because I had a crush on her too. But then I started envying their relationship, and the connection they had, the love and compassion. It was all there, and I really needed that in my life. This was basically three years before God would find that special person who would fill that void in my life, and bring me back to him. So in 2006, I was an emotional wreck. Two of the girls that I wanted the most were with somebody else. One of them probably felt like I was an annoying little brat(Addie), while the other just liked me as a friend(Edie). And I felt like my life just SUCKED!
Still, 2006 wasn't an entirely bad year. I got to see some great films like "Babel" and "Pan's Labyrinth." "Pan's Labyrinth" one an incredible experience, and one of the most violent fantasy films ever written. And basically most fantasy tales are pretty violent, even the ones that are dumb down by Disney movies. So "Pan's Labyrinth" really hit the mark when it got made. Guillermo Del Toro did an excellent job, I gained genuine faith in him as a filmmaker. Because while "Blade 2" had awesome spectacle, it had no substance, so I didn't really care about the journey. I was probably rooting more for the villain in that movie, then I was for "Blade." And I was a huge "Blade" fanboy during that time. I loved the comics, and read alot of them, and the original film is one of the greatest marvel adaptations to this day. Probably even better then "Spiderman 2" in some cases. "The Descent" was a fantastic horror flick, that actually scared the crap out of me. One of the great modern horror films, in an era where torture porn still seems popular among so-called horror fans. I'm sorry, but "Saw" and "Hostel" are not horror films. Their snuff flicks, dressed up as horror films.
My personal favorites that year were "Inland Empire", "Brick", and "Half Nelson." I saw "Brick" like 5 or 6 times in the theater. I would go to the Anjelika Theater, and it was always an incredible experience. It's one of the most absorbing, original, and perfectly acted film-noirs ever made. And it showed Joseph Gordon Levitt's incredible strength as an actor, and fascinating charisma. I saw "Inland Empire" around the fall of 2007. It was a blind-buy, but that didn't matter, because I was already well educated on David Lynch during that time and knew that I was going to love. And as far as I'm concerned, it's still the best film of 2006, and you can't really find a film to compare it too. It's just a three hour dream sequence. And "Half Nelson" might of had the best performance of 2006 by Ryan Gosling, who showed a mixture of different ranges of emotions in every scene. I loved Forrest Whittaker's performance in "The Last King Of Scotland", but the Oscar should of gone to Ryan Gosling, for giving one of the most convincing performances as a drug addict that I have ever seen. I also felt that Clint Eastwood deserved the Oscar that year for best director then Martin Scorsese. But I was glad that Scorsese won, because of all the great work that he's done in his career so far. And I think he still has a couple more great films left in him.
There were some other good or films that year. Like "Letters From Iwo Jima", "Children of Men", "The Prestige", "The Departed", "Volver", "Little Miss Sunshine", "The Queen", "The Pursuit of Happiness", "Little Children", "Notes on a Scandal", "United 93", "The Last King of Scotland", and many others. There were some powerful documentaries like "When the Levees Broke", and "Jesus Camp." So overall, 2006 was a really good year for cinema. Much better then 2005 in my opinion, but none of this is really important. I'm just giving you a window into my love for cinema. This is barely the tip of the Ice Burg. But my main focus is on how God put together so many crazy things in line, in order for me to get back to him. And not just my geek life, but in my personal life as well.
By the end of 2006, I didn't feel like I had a purpose, I was obsessed with movies, obsessed with girls, and obsessed with Bragelina! When I would I see my therapist, I wouldn't really talk about myself, because I never felt like there was anything of interest to talk about. I was thinking about girls, masturbating alot, watching porn, playing video games, watching movies, thinking about whatever Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were doing. And that was it. I didn't feel like talking about the fact that I was yelling and arguing with my mother most of the time. I didn't want to talk about my depression, sadness, or my anger towards God. I didn't want to talk about the fact that I wanted to be with Addie, Eddie, or whatever girl that past by me.
I was pissed that Addie wasn't my girlfriend. She was beautiful, articulate, a bit nutty, had a great body, and she was very opinionated. And we were so opinionated, that it basically ruined whatever friendship that we could of had. I also use to feel bullied by her as well. She use to pick on me for being a virgin, and just poked fun at me for whatever reason. But when I finally lost my tempter and told her to "eff off", our friendship just ended. We didn't fight, or had a huge yelling match. But it was enough to know that we just couldn't be around each other anymore. Our falling out happened around June of 2007. Which made me sad, because she was a good friend of mine.
Of course, I had some great times with my old friends, and some who I'm currently friends with. There were joyful moments that I spend with them. We would watch movies together, I would usually buy the tickets, and never really allowed them to pay me back. We not only had superficial friendships, but we managed to connect a deeper and more emotional level, because of our different issues and personal problems that we related to each other on. So after many weeks of getting to know one another, we would hang out more, watch movies, and even went to a house party once, which was conducted by my old friend Addie. We'd usually but-heads alot, and never really got along, but I learned alot from her, and still glad that I knew her. Same goes for my other close friends like Antony, Janet, and Theo who were also close friends of mine and gave me some great advice, and actually cared about my well being.
But by April of 2007, I wasn't really thinking about Addie anymore. Granted, I was distracted with the awfulness of "Ghost Rider", the new homo erotic action flick called "300", and trying to actually hang out with Anthony and Edie without feeling like choking myself. But my attention turned towards another girl. And boy, she was a Puerto Rican spite fire! By the early summer of 2007, I was falling in love with a gorgeous Puerto Rican girl named Cassie, who basically had no interest in me at all. But I loved her, I loved her alot! Actually, it wasn't love, it was lust! I lusted after her, and I think she knew it. Women know when men are looking at them and lusting after them, they have a sixth sense about that sort of thing. At that time, she might of been the most beautiful person that had ever spoken to me, much less look at me. I forgot the color of her eyes, but she had these incredible looking eyes, and amazing curves. One of the best bodies I had ever seen. She said that she exercised alot, and took kick-boxing classes. I was like, "Kick me, kick me!" I just couldn't stop looking at her. She was my dream girl, she was a Latina, and she was hot! I obsessed over her, I wanted her, I couldn't stop thinking about her, and I was in lust with her all the time. Which is one of the seven deadly sins. She had this dangerous beauty about her that only the best poet could write about. She looked so pretty, and so hardcore at the same time. Like she could give you a sweet hug and kiss, and then tear you to pieces the next moment. I loved that! I wanted her to punch me, hurt me, or bite me. And she did bit my finger once, because I was annoying her, and it was painful, but I really liked it. It was a fond memory to remember her by. But sadly, she just wasn't that into me.
We flirted at times, but that's all it was. In the end, I wasn't her type, and my heart was broken. My crush on her started around April of 07, and it didn't stop until early 2008. But she broke my heart in October of 2007, and I was deeply depressed. I basically obsessed over women most of my life. I wanted a girlfriend, I wanted to move in with a woman, I wanted to get married, and maybe have kids. Personally, I really wanted women to worship me, and follow every word that I spoke, and every move that I make. I basically wanted to be Robert Pattison, Brad Pitt, and Johnny Depp all mixed into one. But it wasn't happening, and I was stuck with my pathetic little life.
To make things worse, I had a following out with an ex-girlfriend of mine named Nikki. We use to date back in San Antonio, and she was cute. Nothing special, but really cute. She had nice eyes, she had alot of meat on her bones, and pretty nice curves. She was part Black, and Mexican, so she was a really nice mix. At one point, she wanted to commit suicide. And with the help of others, I managed to keep her from killing herself, and that was back in 2002. We started dating around 2003, we broke up, got back together, broke up, and got back together. I remember we had one great date when we saw this terrible movie called "You Got Served." It absolutely sucked, but it was the perfect moment to make out with her for almost two hours. I loved kissing, she had so much passion, and pain behind her kisses. I could almost feel the yearning, and anguish within her soul every time we kissed. It actually wasn't that deep, but it certainly felt like it. And it worth buying two tickets for that awful movie. And if anybody else suffered through that flick, I just want to apologize for reminding you of it's existence.
Anyways, we had to break up, due to the fact that my mother and I were moving to New York City. And I wasn't gonna suffer through any long distance relationship crap, where you're wondering what your girl is doing in another state, while I would be trying to sleep with every girl in New York. I wasn't gonna play her like that, or lie to her. So after awhile, we just remained as friends. But in around the summer of 2007, she called me and wanted to visit me. She asked me if I had any girlfriends or if was interested in somebody. And I don't think I told her the amount of women that I was interested in, but I did tell her that I had some crushes, but that I could put them aside for her. See, I was so lonely, that I was willing to have my ex come up to New York for a while, so that I can finally lose my virginity, and have at least two or three weeks of sex. Then she would go home, we would go our separate ways, and I'd try to sleep with other women, with a bit more confidence, knowing that I was finally a man, and that I had finally slept with a woman.
Well that didn't happen. After Cassie broke my heart, Niki told me that she found a new guy, and they were getting close, because he got close to her mother, so he basically went from being a shoulder for her to cry on, to being an actual boyfriend. I was angry, and I basically cursed her out on Myspace. Called you all types of names, and said some things that shouldn't of been said. I think her older brother threatened to kill me, and so did her boyfriend. Mostly because they were Latin Kings, so they could of actually killed me, but I didn't care. I was too depressed to live, so I just kept cursing all three of them out until I finally got bored, removed her from my friends list on Myspace, and stopped talking to her for good. She was also a good friend of mine, and I wish things could of been different.
But 2007 wasn't all that bad of a year. Eva Yojimbo still couldn't shut up about recommending "Neon Genenesis Evangelion" to me. I was so lonely, that I almost had Jehovah Witnesses coming over to study the Bible with me, which my mother absolutely refused to allow me to do, and kept them away from our house. I think she probably told security about them, but whatever. I don't really have any ill feelings towards them, they were just trying to reach out, and the conversation helped me out alot during that time.
"Transformers" came out during that Summer, on July 3rd. And while it wasn't a good film, it was certainly better then "Spiderman 3", and "Pirates of the Caribbean 3." And the Coen Brothers came out with one of the few films that I'd call an absolute masterpiece, and actually a perfect film in just about every sense of the word. That movie is called "No Country For Old Men." It couldn't of come out at a more perfect time, because my heart was crushed by Cassie, I had a big falling out with my ex-girlfriend, and Addie. I still hated the fact that Anthony and Edie were dating each other, and that Jay was having a girlfriend too. And she was like one of my closest buddies, and we use to share our loneliness with each other, and deal with the fact that we were single, and didn't have anybody. And then when she started getting a girlfriend, I basically just gave up on my life, and figured that I would never be with anybody.
I wasn't going to kill myself, but it was starting to get to that point again. I felt like dying when my grandmother passed away in November of 2004, exactly the day before Thanksgiving day. And I chose to be hospitalized in March of 2005, because I knew that I needed the help. So a lot of things were hitting me in 2007 that was just putting me in a state of depression, so "No Country For Old Men" was perfect. It was about despair, isolation, a world with no God, it was nihilistic, it was violent, depressing, angry, frightening, terrifying, and it showed me that my life meant absolutely nothing. That life means nothing, and that we're just living in a chaotic world, that has no real meaning. Sure, there are some coincidences, there might be some fate, but in the end, it's just all an illusion. We come, we live, we die, and that's it. There's no purpose, no reason, and no life after death. There's just this terrible life that I got for a short period of time, and then I will just wither away. Nobody would remember me, nobody would miss me, nobody would even talk about me. "No Country For Old Men" wasn't just literally about no country for old men, it was about a world with no hope, no God, and no salvation for anybody. I realized at that particular time in my life, that spirituality was just a figment of ones imagination, and that it really all came down to the survival of the fittest. Nobody really cared about each other, and I certainly didn't care about myself. It was all about me, me and me. And nothing more. The Coen Brothers did a masterful job with "No Country For Old Men", and it spoke to me, during a time when I was in great despair.
Then another great nihilistic film came out called "There Will Be Blood." If you haven't seen the film, it's extraordinary. Great performances, great aesthetics, brilliant direction, and probably the most unique musical score that I can remember within the last 5 or 10 years. And the ending basically shows what the title really means. That with the discovery of oil, there will be blood. When our greedy nature gets the best of us, there will be blood. Personally, I thought it was an attack on God in some cases. Daniel Plainview is one of the few characters in cinema to take on God, and basically survive, but with a major cost of his sanity, and the relationship that he had with his son. But the whole time, I just loved his anger towards God and that hypocrite named Eli Sunday. I hated Eli Sunday. He reminded me of those disgusting priests who were exposed that have abused children. And that the Catholic Church probably tried to cover it up, and even allowing them to get away with it. It was disgusting, and it revealed just how morally corrupt religion can be. So if you hate religion as much as I did back then, you might love "There Will Be Blood." It definitely spoke to me.
Because at that time, I was angry at God for not giving me the best father in the world, who actually picked on my faith when I was a little kid, and physically abused me as a child. I was angry at God, for not saving those 3,000+ lives that were taken during those terrorist attacks on September 11th of 2001. I was angry towards God for not saving those poor people who died in New Orleans in August of 2005. I was angry at him, for not giving me a girlfriend, or giving me the perfect life that my mother was hoping for in New York City. My mother and I moved from San Antonio Texas, to New York City, because she was scared for her life. My father hit her right arm, she locked herself in the bathroom, called the cops to get him thrown out, and that's basically why we moved. Because after the cops told him to move, we packed up his stuff, and left it outside for him to pick it up. I had a good friend named Rudy, who's mother helped us out during that time. She drove my mother to pick me up from another friends house, because my mother was so shocked by what my father did, that she couldn't even drive. And the reason that I didn't try to leave my friends house to beat down my father for hitting my mother, is because they were protecting me. My other friends name was Michael, and both he and his sister kept me from leaving the house that day, so that I wouldn't try to fight my father, get arrested, and go to prison. That's why I had to wait, and wonder if my mother was even alive. But when I look back at that moment, God wanted to protect me. He used Michael and his sister Chantel to shelter me, and keep out of harms way. Because if I had found a way to leave that house, and get to my house to confront my father, the situation would of been alot worse. And that entire event gave my mother PDSD, which stands for Post-Dramatic-Stress-Dissorder.
She was having nightmares about him, she couldn't sleep at night, and she even screamed for her life and attacked me, because I wanted to wake her up for breakfast or something. But the point is that my father had frightened her, and we had to move to New York City, because she was scared for her life, and she basically wanted to be with her family since the terrorist attacks happened on September 11th, 2001. While alot of the human population didn't want to be in New York City during that time, my mother NEEDED to come back to New York, because she wanted to be with her family. I don't know if she felt like her presence would keep the terrorists from doing anything else, or if that anything were to happen, she would be there to either die with our family, or help our family in need. I don't really know, she just had to come to New York City and live there. So we did, and it was not all what she hyped it up to be. It was a long struggle. I was very reclusive, and afraid to go outside sometimes. But I manage to get through it, and become a real New Yorker.
Of course, I had some great times. There were joyful moments that I spend with my friends. We would watch movies together, while I would buy the tickets, and never really allowed them to pay me back. We not only had superficial friendships, but we managed to connect a deeper and more emotional level, because of our different issues and personal problems that we related to each other on. So after many weeks of getting to know one another, we would hang out more, watch movies, and even went to a house party once, which was conducted by my old friend Addie. We usually but-heads alot, and never really got along, but I learned alot from her, and still glad that I knew her. Same goes for others like Antony, Janet, who were also close friends of mine and gave me some great advice, and actually cared about my well being.
But even with some of that joy, I still couldn't ignore the pain that I was going through. I had some crushes on the girls who were going to the group therapy sessions. And they either had a boyfriend, another boyfriend, or just weren't interested in me at all. Edie was one who I had a crush on the most, but she became more interested in Anthony, and they ended up being together for a couple years. That broke my heart at first, but I dealt with it, and continued to move forward. I had thoughts of suicide, but realized that wouldn't of been fair to my mother, who would of mourned me, and probably killed herself as well. So I continued on with my pain, and attempt to be content with it. I probably enjoyed being depressed, and looking at life from a bleak and empty existence. Which is why I appreciated the joyful moments, because I knew they wouldn't last.
But during all of these things that were happening during my personal life, Eva Yojimbo kept recommending me to watch "Neon Genesis Evangelion." He basically couldn't stop shutting up about it, and I guess God realized that I needed something to bring me out of the hole that I was sinking into. I remember having debates with different people online about "2001: A Space Odyssey", and how many chapters were actually in the film. I use to pay attention to the facts that are given to us within the film, and that are three chapters, not four. But people would argue that there are four, once Bowen starts going through his Stargate sequence. Whatever, I still say it's three chapters and nothing more or less. But when I would go outside and go shopping at Best Buy for whatever Dvd that I was going to kept when I'd have more money, I always come across the image of "Neon Genesis Evangelion." While I never felt the need to buy it and watch it, the cover looked so gorgeous. You see, it was the Platinum Edition that I was looking at. And on the cover was this silver looking paint on it, with a nice picture of Rei Ayanami, and it just really intrigued me.
When I would go home, I couldn't get the cover out of my read, nor the reviews on the back of it. On the back of the cover, there's a review by www.aintitcoolnews.com, that considered "Evangelion" to be anime's perfect storm. A phenomenon on par with "The Matrix", "Harry Potter", and "Star Wars." And that plenty of works will try to reproduce it, but ultimately it will stand alone.
That review really pegged my interest, because I love aintitcoolnews. Their geeks are just like me, and proud of it. They love films, anime, graphic novels, books, and comic-books. So after all of Yojimbo's recommendations, I decided to blind-buy "Evangelion", which is a scary thing to do. Because 1) I don't have alot of money, so paying 60 bucks for a 26 episode anime title that I didn't really know anything about, was very risky. And 2) I hadn't seriously watched an anime in a couple years during that time.
After awhile, I just got bored with anime. Naruto was uninteresting, I was tired of "Dragon Ball Z", "Death Note" seemed very dull, and "Bleach" just never caught my interest. So all the new animes kept me from getting back into anime. And looking at the cover and plot synopsis of "Evangelion", you would think it was just another story about kids who pilot mechas. And well, I was pleasantly surprised. "Evangelion" turned out to be the greatest blind-buy I would ever get, and something that I would never regret.
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