My Walk with God and Evangelion: Chapter 1(((revised)))

2006,2007
Very depressing years



My personal walk to find myself started around 2006 and 2007, as I was getting into heated debates, discussions, and arguments with different people on IMDB. I had been a member of IMDB since 2005, always made regular comments there, and had many interesting discussions and arguments.

But 2007 was different; my discussions principally mainly involved "2001: A Space Odyssey", and it was also first time that I had ever heard of an anime called "Neon Genesis Evangelion."

One of the members named Eva Yojimbo, just constantly kept recommending to watch the anime "Neon Genesis Evangelion." I couldn't understand why he was so obsessed over it, or how he could compare a cartoon to great cinema like "2001: A Space Odyssey", "Blade Runner", "Seven Samurai", "Mulholland Drive", or "Vertigo." And not only did he rank them next to those films, he put it above them! I was shocked, and became curious with this obsessive love he had towards "Evangelion."

While I was through all these different discussions and debates in 2007, my life was in a constant state of depression. I kept feeling like I was going down a black hole, and couldn't find a way out. All four walls were crushing me and I didn't know what to do. My heart was filled with sorrow, and despair. I hated the fact that I couldn't get a girlfriend, and that I was a recluse. I would avoid the pain, by playing video games all day, or just expressing my anger towards my family and what few friends I had during that time. My depression didn't get any better, as my geek world seemed to be falling apart around me. Comic-books felt empty, shallow, and repetitive to me. I subjected myself to awful comic-book adaptations like "Ghost Rider", and "Spiderman 3." And even video games didn't seem to fill that emptiness within my heart.

So my geek life was in hades during that time. I had to endure the bloated and mindless "X-Men 3" one of the worst experiences of my life. I was disappointed in "Superman Returns" for having a boring story, and no action at all. It was basically a CGI version of Richard Donner's original movie, without a good story, more plot-holes, and a nonexistent interesting love story.
Then the very next year came the dreadful "Ghost Rider" flick, with Nicholas Cage. It made excellent money at the box office, but I felt as if I had completely wasted my time and money on one of the most empty experiences of my life. And then came "Spiderman 3", one of the biggest cinematic disappointments in recent memory.

It just felt like everything was crashing around me. My personal life was uninteresting, my geek life with comic-books wasn't that exciting, and superhero films were getting worse. In fact, the only great comic-book adaptations that I saw during that time, came out in 2005. And those films were "Batman Begins" and "Sin City."
Yet that year also had these dreadful flicks, "Elektra" and "Fantastic Four."
2005 wasn't a great year for comic book fans like me, yearning for just ONE great year at the cinemas for superhero films, and comic-book adaptations. No, 2005 was not the year, when my walk toward spiritualism really got started; it definitely began in late 2006, and the summer of 2007.

That summer was an intense time and anxious time in my life. I was 20 years old, and I had a crush on a girl named Addie, but we couldn't stop arguing. We almost began to fight each other at Barnes N Noble at Union Square, which is one of the biggest, and most beautiful Barnes N Nobles that I have ever seen.
Yes, we caused a scene that day in late June of 2007, and we haven't talked much since then. We reconciled for a bit, but she became very busy with her political campaign work and that took up most of her time.
She was so such a cute girl, with an incredible body and a spirited personality. She was always open about her sex life, political views, and many other things. I loved her so much, but I had to argue with her. I had to constantly debate her, and I had to win those debates. I wanted her to bow down, and acknowledge my intelligence and masculinity as a man. But that never happened.

I remember we got into a huge argument about George W. Bush. I claimed that he was a do nothing President. She became angry, and called my argument one of the most idiotic, and asinine things that she had ever heard spoken by anyone. Well, technically, she was right. George W. Bush was never a do nothing President. He fought a war in Afghanistan post 9/11/2001, he started an unnecessary war in Iraq, and cut taxes for the rich.
Yet I loved it when Addie got mad, because it turned me on. Seeing her get angry, her face turning red gave me immense satisfaction, and made me want her even more. Therefore, I didn't try to correct my statements and tell here that I did think Bush had performed and promoted legislation to assist people who were poor or in need of help."
That would of been the right thing to say, since it had merit. Emphasizing that Bush didn't do anything, was completely false on my part. He did do many things for all American citizens albeit more for the rich...his base...but he accomplished much in his administration, and that's an absolute fact!

Our argument happened late 2006. It must of been in December, because two of my best friends Anthony and Edie became a couple around November, and were just getting closer to each other , and couldn't stop making out in public. I envied Anthony for having her, because I had a crush on her too. I envied Anthony, for being better looking then me. But then I started envying his relationship with Edie, and the connection they had, the love and compassion. It was all there, and I really needed that in my life. This was basically three years before God would find that special person who would fill that void in my life, and bring me back to him. So in 2006, I was an emotional wreck. Two of the girls that I wanted the most were with somebody else. One of them probably felt like I was an annoying little brat(Addie), while the other just liked me as a friend(Edie). And I felt like my life just SUCKED!

Still, 2006 wasn't an entirely bad year. I got to see some great films like "Babel" and "Pan's Labyrinth." "Pan's Labyrinth" one an incredible experience, and one of the most violent fantasy films ever written. And basically most fantasy tales are pretty violent, even the ones that are dumbed down by Disney movies. Therefore, "Pan's Labyrinth" hit the mark when it got made.
Guillermo Del Toro did an excellent job and I gained genuine faith in him as a filmmaker. Because while his other film "Blade 2" was an awesome spectacle, it had no substance, and it was basically emotionless screen drivel so I didn't really care about the journey.
I rooted more for the villain in that movie, than I rooted for "Blade." And I was a huge "Blade" fanboy during that time. I loved the comics, and read alot of them, and the original film was one of the greatest marvel adaptations to this day. Probably even better then "Spiderman 2" in some cases.
"The Descent" was a fantastic horror flick, that actually scared the crap out of me. One of the great modern horror films, in an era where torture porn still seems popular among so-called horror fans. I'm sorry, but "Saw" and "Hostel" are not horror films. They're snuff flicks, dressed up as horror films.

My personal favorite films that year were "Inland Empire", "Brick", and "Half Nelson." I saw "Brick" like 5 or 6 times in the theater. I would go to the Anjelika Theater, and it was always an incredible experience. It's one of the most absorbing, original, and perfectly acted film-noirs ever made. And it showed Joseph Gordon Levitt's incredible strength as an actor, and fascinating charisma. I saw "Inland Empire" around the fall of 2007. It was a blind-buy, but that didn't matter, because I was already well educated on David Lynch during that time and knew that I was going to love. And as far as I'm concerned, it's still the best film of 2006, and you can't really find a film to compare it too. It's just a three hour dream sequence.

The best performance of 2006 was "Half Nelson" starring Ryan Gosling, who showed an astounding range of emotions in every scene.
Forrest Whittaker's performance in "The Last King Of Scotland", was phenominal but the Oscar should of gone to Ryan Gosling, for giving one of the most convincing performances of a drug addict that I have ever seen. I also felt that Clint Eastwood deserved the Oscar that year for best director instead of Martin Scorsese, but I was happy Scorsese won, because of all the great work that he's done in his career so far. I'm sure he still has a more great films left in him.

There were other good or films that year. "Letters From Iwo Jima", "Children of Men", "The Prestige", "The Departed", "Volver", "Little Miss Sunshine", "The Queen", "The Pursuit of Happiness", "Little Children", "Notes on a Scandal", "United 93", "The Last King of Scotland", and many others. There were powerful documentaries like "When the Levees Broke", and "Jesus Camp." So overall, 2006 was a really good year for cinema. Much better then 2005 in my opinion, but none of this is really important. I'm just giving you a window into my love for cinema. This is barely the tip of the Ice Burg. But my main focus is on how God put together so many crazy things in line, in order for me to get back to him. And not just my geek life, but in my personal life as well.

By the end of 2006, I didn't feel like I had a purpose, I was obsessed with movies, obsessed with girls, and obsessed with Bragelina! When I would I see my therapist, I wouldn't really talk about myself, because I never felt like there was anything of interest to talk about. I was thinking about girls, masturbating alot, watching porn, playing video games, watching movies, thinking about whatever Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were doing. And that was it. I didn't feel like talking about the fact that I was yelling and arguing with my mother most of the time. I didn't want to talk about my depression, sadness, or my anger towards God. I didn't want to talk about the fact that I wanted to be with Addie, Eddie, or whatever girl that went past me.

I was pissed that Addie wasn't my girlfriend. She was beautiful, articulate, quirky, had a great body, and was very opinionated. And we were so opinionated, that it basically ruined whatever friendship that we could of had. I also use to feel bullied by her as well. She use to pick on me for being a virgin, and just poked fun at me for any reason. But when I finally lost my tempter and told her to "eff off", our friendship just ended. We didn't fight, or have a huge yelling match. But that episode was enough for us to realize that we couldn't be around each other anymore. Our falling out happened around June of 2007. Which made me sad, because she was a good friend of mine.

The last time I talked to her was during April or March of 2008. We just bumped into each other and caught on some of the things that we were doing. I told her that I was making new friends on meetup.com, and she told me that she was busy with all the campaigning and stuff. She was for Hillary, and I was for Obama. For all I know, we could of been married in another lifetime, with the amount of differences that we had. Because let's face it, opposites attract, but she definitely wasn't attracted to me, and she still had her boyfriend at that time.

So we basically got into a discussion about who was the better candidate, Barack Obama or Hilary Clinton. To me, she basically liked Hilary because she's a woman. That's basically all I got from her. And Addie was the perfect feminist, for the fact that she was open with her sexuality, her political views, and voicing her opinions. So the very fact that she was a Hilary supported did not surprise me.

And she knew who I was voting for, because she knew my stance on racism in politics, and how I use to feel that America was like the most racist state in the world. So I told her that I was voting for Obama, because he is Black. Or at least has alot of black in him. That was my whole reason for voting for him in 2008.

I didn't care about his political views, even though I agreed with alot of them, I didn't care about his life story, his nice family, or the fact that he grew up as a mix of different races and cultures in his blood, just like me. I'm part West Indian, Danish, Native American, and Indian. So while I loved his political views, and can relate to how he grew up, I didn't care about that. I only wanted to see a Black man as President. I wanted to grow up in a world where I could say, "My President is BLACK!" And be proud of it!

I told her that I wasn't going for Hilary, because I just couldn't deal with another potential president who simply didn't know what they were doing. Hilary has been in politics as long as her husband, Bill Clinton. And she didn't know that Texas had both a primary, and a coucas? How could she not know that? Obama had only been working in politics since 2002, which means 2008 was his sixth year in politics. He seemed to know enough about Texas, to beat Hilary Clinton. If I'm gonna vote for somebody, they have to very articulate, educated, and a leader. Obama seemed to have all of these traits, which Hilary seemed to lack.

Addie didn't know that Hilary could be that incompetent, nor did she hear about Hilary admitting to her incompetence and saying that she didn't know Texas had both a primary and a coucas. So Addie and I didn't have time to argue about this subject, because she was busy with something else. But I felt like I had finally won a discussion with her. I said to myself, "I won!"

I had some great times with my old friends, and some who I'm currently friends with. There were joyful moments that I spent with them. We would watch movies together, I would usually buy the tickets, and never really allowed them to pay me back. We not only had superficial friendships, but we managed to connect a deeper and more emotional level, because of our different issues and personal problems that we related to each other on. So after many weeks of getting to know one another, we would hang out more, watch movies, and even went to a house party once, which was conducted by my old friend Addie. We'd usually butt-heads alot, and never really got along, but I learned alot from her, and I'm still glad that she was my friend. Same goes for my other close friends like Antony, Janet, and Theo, also close friends of mine who gave me great advice, and cared about my well being.

But by April of 2007, I wasn't really thinking about Addie anymore. Granted, I was distracted with the awfulness of "Ghost Rider", the new homo erotic action flick called "300", and trying to actually hang out with Anthony and Edie without feeling like choking myself.
But my attention turned towards another girl. And boy, she was a Puerto Rican spite fire! By the early summer of 2007, I was falling in love with a gorgeous Puerto Rican girl named Cassie, who basically had no interest in me at all. But I loved her, I loved her alot! Actually, it wasn't love, it was lust! I lusted after her, and I think she knew it. Women know when men are looking at them and lusting after them, they have a sixth sense about that sort of thing. At that time, she might of been the most beautiful person that had ever spoken to me, much less look at me. I forget the color of her eyes, but she had these incredible looking eyes, and amazing curves. One of the best bodies I had ever seen. She said that she exercised alot, and took kick-boxing classes. I was like, "Kick me, kick me!" I just couldn't stop looking at her. She was my dream girl, she was a Latina, and she was hot! I obsessed over her, I wanted her, I couldn't stop thinking about her, and I was in lust with her all the time. Which is one of the seven deadly sins. She had this dangerous beauty about her that only the best poet could write about. She looked so pretty, and so hardcore at the same time. Like she could give you a sweet hug and kiss, and then tear you to pieces the next moment. I loved that! I wanted her to punch me, hurt me, or bite me. And she did bit my finger once, because I was annoying her, and it was painful, but I really liked it. It was a fond memory to remember her by. But sadly, she just wasn't that into me.

We flirted at times, but that's all it was. In the end, I wasn't her type, and my heart was broken. My crush on her started around April of 07, and it didn't stop until early 2008. But she broke my heart in October of 2007, and I was deeply depressed. I basically obsessed over women most of my life. I wanted a girlfriend, I wanted to move in with a woman, I wanted to get married, and maybe have kids. Personally, I really wanted women to worship me, and follow every word that I spoke, and every move that I made. I basically wanted to be Robert Pattison, Brad Pitt, and Johnny Depp all mixed into one. But it wasn't happening, and I was stuck with my pathetic little life.

To make things worse, I had a following out with an ex-girlfriend of mine named Nikki. We use to date back in San Antonio, and she was cute. Nothing special, but really cute. She had nice eyes, she had alot of meat on her bones, and pretty nice curves. She was part Black, and Mexican, so she was a really nice mix. At one point, she wanted to commit suicide. And with the help of others, I managed to keep her from killing herself, and that was back in 2002. We started dating around 2003, we broke up, got back together, broke up, and got back together. I remember we had one great date when we saw this terrible movie called "You Got Served." It absolutely sucked, but it was the perfect moment to make out with her for almost two hours. I loved kissing, she had so much passion, and pain behind her kisses. I could almost feel the yearning, and anguish within her soul every time we kissed. It actually wasn't that deep, but it certainly felt like it. And it worth buying two tickets for that awful movie. And if anybody else suffered through that flick, I just want to apologize for reminding you of it's existence.

Anyways, we had to break up, due to the fact that my mother and I were moving to New York City. And I wasn't gonna suffer through any long distance relationship crap, where you're wondering what your girl is doing in another state, while I would be trying to sleep with every girl in New York. I wasn't gonna play her like that, or lie to her. So after awhile, we just remained as friends. But in around the summer of 2007, she called me and wanted to visit me. She asked me if I had any girlfriends or if was interested in somebody. And I don't think I told her the amount of women that I was interested in, but I did tell her that I had some crushes, but that I could put them aside for her. See, I was so lonely, that I was willing to have my ex come up to New York for a while, so that I can finally lose my virginity, and have at least two or three weeks of sex. Then she would go home, we would go our separate ways, and I'd try to sleep with other women, with a bit more confidence, knowing that I was finally a man, and that I had finally slept with a woman.

Well that didn't happen. After Cassie broke my heart, Niki told me that she found a new guy, and they were getting close, because he got close to her mother, so he basically went from being a shoulder for her to cry on, to being an actual boyfriend. I was angry, and I basically cursed her out on Myspace. Called her all types of names, and said some things that shouldn't of been said. I think her older brother threatened to kill me, and so did her boyfriend. Mostly because they were Latin Kings, so they could of actually killed me, but I didn't care. I was too depressed to live, so I just kept cursing all three of them out until I finally got bored, removed her from my friends list on Myspace, and stopped talking to her for good. She was also a good friend of mine, and I wish things could of been different.


But 2007 wasn't all that bad of a year. Eva Yojimbo still couldn't shut up about recommending "Neon Genenesis Evangelion" to me. I was so lonely, that I almost had Jehovah Witnesses coming over to study the Bible with me, which my mother absolutely refused to allow me to do, and kept them away from our house. I think she probably told security about them, but whatever. I don't really have any ill feelings towards them, they were just trying to reach out, and the conversation helped me out alot during that time.

"Transformers" came out during that Summer, on July 3rd. And while it wasn't a good film, it was certainly better then "Spiderman 3", and "Pirates of the Caribbean 3." And the Coen Brothers came out with one of the few films that I'd call an absolute masterpiece, and actually a perfect film in just about every sense of the word. That movie is called "No Country For Old Men." It couldn't of come out at a more perfect time, because my heart was crushed by Cassie, I had a big falling out with my ex-girlfriend, and Addie. I still hated the fact that Anthony and Edie were dating each other, and that Jay was having a girlfriend too. And she was like one of my closest buddies, and we use to share our loneliness with each other, and deal with the fact that we were single, and didn't have anybody. And then when she began to see a girl, I basically just gave up on my life, and figured that I would never be with anybody.

I wasn't going to kill myself, but it was starting to get to that point again. I felt like dying when my grandmother passed away in November of 2004, exactly the day before Thanksgiving day. And I chose to be hospitalized in March of 2005, because I knew that I needed the help. So a lot of things were hitting me in 2007 that was just putting me in a state of depression, so "No Country For Old Men" was perfect. It was about despair, isolation, a world with no God, it was nihilistic, it was violent, depressing, angry, frightening, terrifying, and it showed me that my life meant absolutely nothing. That life means nothing, and that we're just living in a chaotic world, that has no real meaning. Sure, there are some coincidences, there might be some fate, but in the end, it's just all an illusion. We come, we live, we die, and that's it. There's no purpose, no reason, and no life after death. There's just this terrible life that I got for a short period of time, and then I will just wither away. Nobody would remember me, nobody would miss me, nobody would even talk about me. "No Country For Old Men" wasn't just literally about no country for old men, it was about a world with no hope, no God, and no salvation for anybody. I realized at that particular time in my life, that spirituality was just a figment of ones imagination, and that it really all came down to the survival of the fittest. Nobody really cared about each other, and I certainly didn't care about myself. It was all about me, me and me. And nothing more. The Coen Brothers did a masterful job with "No Country For Old Men", and it spoke to me, during a time when I was in great despair.

Then another great nihilistic film came out called "There Will Be Blood." If you haven't seen the film, it's extraordinary. Great performances, great aesthetics, brilliant direction, and probably the most unique musical score that I can remember within the last 5 or 10 years. And the ending basically shows what the title really means. That with the discovery of oil, there will be blood. When our greedy nature gets the best of us, there will be blood. Personally, I thought it was an attack on God in some cases. Daniel Plainview is one of the few characters in cinema to take on God, and basically survive, but with a major cost of his sanity, and the relationship that he had with his son. But the whole time, I just loved his anger towards God and that hypocrite named Eli Sunday. I hated Eli Sunday. He reminded me of those disgusting priests who were exposed that have abused children. And that the Catholic Church probably tried to cover it up, and even allowing them to get away with it. It was disgusting, and it revealed just how morally corrupt religion can be. So if you hate religion as much as I did back then, you might love "There Will Be Blood." It definitely spoke to me.

Because at that time, I was angry at God for not giving me the best father in the world, who actually picked on my faith when I was a little kid, and physically abused me as a child. I was angry at God, for not saving those 3,000+ lives that were taken during those terrorist attacks on September 11th of 2001. I was angry towards God for not saving those poor people who died in New Orleans in August of 2005. I was angry at him, for not giving me a girlfriend, or giving me the perfect life that my mother was hoping for in New York City. My mother and I moved from San Antonio Texas, to New York City, because she was scared for her life. My father hit her right arm, she locked herself in the bathroom, called the cops to get him thrown out, and that's basically why we moved. Because after the cops told him to move, we packed up his stuff, and left it outside for him to pick it up. I had a good friend named Rudy, who's mother helped us out during that time. She drove my mother to pick me up from another friends house, because my mother was so shocked by what my father did, that she couldn't even drive. And the reason that I didn't try to leave my friends house to beat down my father for hitting my mother, is because they were protecting me. My other friends name was Michael, and both he and his sister kept me from leaving the house that day, so that I wouldn't try to fight my father, get arrested, and go to prison. That's why I had to wait, and wonder if my mother was even alive. But when I look back at that moment, God wanted to protect me. He used Michael and his sister Chantel to shelter me, and keep out of harms way. Because if I had found a way to leave that house, and get to my house to confront my father, the situation would of been alot worse. And that entire event gave my mother PTSD, which stands for Post-Tramatic-Stress-Disorder.

She was having nightmares about him, she couldn't sleep at night, and she even screamed for her life and attacked me, because I wanted to wake her up for breakfast or something. But the point is that my father had frightened her, and we had to move to New York City, because she was scared for her life, and she basically wanted to be with her family ever since the terrorist attacks happened on September 11th, 2001. While a lot of the humans didn't want to be in New York City during that time, my mother NEEDED to come back to New York, because she wanted to be with her family. I don't know if she felt like her presence would keep the terrorists from doing anything else, or if that anything were to happen, she would be there to either die with our family, or help our family in need. I don't really know, she just had to come to New York City and live there. So we did, and it was not all what she hyped it up to be. It was a long struggle. I was very reclusive, and afraid to go outside sometimes. But I manage to get through it, and become a real New Yorker.

Of course, I had some great times. There were joyful moments that I spend with my friends. We would watch movies together, while I would buy the tickets, and never really allowed them to pay me back.

But even with some of that joy, I still couldn't ignore the pain that I was going through. I had some crushes on the girls who were going to the group therapy sessions. And they either had a boyfriend, another boyfriend, or just weren't interested in me at all. I had thoughts of suicide, but realized that wouldn't of been fair to my mother, who would've mourned me, and probably killed herself as well. So I continued on with my pain, and attempt to be content with it. I probably enjoyed being depressed, and looking at life from a bleak and empty existence. Which is why I appreciated the joyful moments, because I knew they wouldn't last.

But during all of these things that were happening during my personal life, Eva Yojimbo kept recommending me to watch "Neon Genesis Evangelion." He basically couldn't stop shutting up about it, and I guess God realized that I needed something to bring me out of the hole that I was sinking into. I remember having debates with different people online about "2001: A Space Odyssey", and how many chapters were actually in the film. I use to pay attention to the facts that are given to us within the film, and that are three chapters, not four. But people would argue that there are four, once Bowen starts going through his Stargate sequence. Whatever, I still say it's three chapters and nothing more or less. But when I would go outside and go shopping at Best Buy for whatever Dvd that I was going to kept when I'd have more money, I always come across the image of "Neon Genesis Evangelion." While I never felt the need to buy it and watch it, the cover looked so gorgeous. You see, it was the Platinum Edition that I was looking at. And on the cover was this silver looking paint on it, with a nice picture of Rei Ayanami, and it just really intrigued me.

When I would go home, I couldn't get the cover out of my read, nor the reviews on the back of it. On the back of the cover, there's a review by www.aintitcoolnews.com, that considered "Evangelion" to be anime's perfect storm. A phenomenon on par with "The Matrix", "Harry Potter", and "Star Wars." And that plenty of works will try to reproduce it, but ultimately it will stand alone.

That review really pegged my interest, because I love aintitcoolnews. Their geeks are just like me, and proud of it. They love films, anime, graphic novels, books, and comic-books. So after all of Yojimbo's recommendations, I decided to blind-buy "Evangelion", which is a scary thing to do. Because I don't have alot of money, so paying 60 bucks for a 26 episode anime title that I didn't really know anything about, was very risky and secondly I hadn't seriously watched an anime in a couple years.

After awhile, I just got bored with anime. Naruto was uninteresting, I was tired of "Dragon Ball Z", "Death Note" seemed very dull, and "Bleach" just never caught my interest. So all the new animes kept me from getting back into anime. And looking at the cover and plot synopsis of "Evangelion", you would think it was just another story about kids who pilot mechas. And well, I was pleasantly surprised. "Evangelion" turned out to be the greatest blind-buy I would ever get, and something that I would never regret.